Peace.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.  My wish for you all is Serenity, Courage and Wisdom...

and... I hope you can share this time with those you love.

Peace.

My son is 22 today...

Today is Tony's birthday, he is 22.  We saw him yesterday and took him his gifts.  He looks good, I guess. Different though.  He was quiet.  It's the end of the semester and he really has to focus for another couple of weeks, then he can relax.  We also got to see K.  She went out to lunch with us.  I felt uncomfortable, it seemed awkward... didn't seem right to me.  But, we let them lead the way, if they want to continue to be room mates, they will have to get along, and they seem to be.  K was animated, excited about graduation (she will graduate with honors next week), and catching us up on all her news.  She even engaged Tony in the conversation and it turned out to be a very nice visit.  They were acting like good friends and room mates, not estranged lovers.  If what we saw yesterday was really true, they have been one of the only couples I have ever known that could really go from being in a deeply involved relationship, to "just friends".  She gave Tony a birthday present, and we are exchanging Christmas gifts with her and will include her in our holiday.  Both of them are going to celebrate New Year's with us in Florida.   We made sure it was ok with Tony, and were surprised when she accepted the invitation.

So, I don't know for sure what is going on between them... it's none of my business, really.  But I can speculate that neither one of them wants the other one out of their life.  They've been through a lot together, and it's been quite a journey.  They are tied to each other.  I hope they will maintain this connection always, but of course I have a personal relationship with both of them, so that's selfish on my part.

Where it gets weirder, is that Tony is interested in another girl and K knows it.  I don't know very much about it except that he met her at work.  I think he is trying to date her, but not sure he is being successful.  I have no idea if she knows he's a recovering addict.  I haven't had a chance to ask him about her, and frankly, I'm still dealing with the break up and I'm not ready for this.

So, it continues to be a challenge to be Tony's mom.  I have a few friends and acquaintances that are expecting and often those of us with older kids give advice.  I don't even know what to say anymore, except kids will surprise you, and you can't plan out their lives, because they have their own minds.  And you certainly can't control who they will love.  Love your kids, and make sure they know it.

BTW, Tony started up step work again.  I think he is on Step 5 now... "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

And also,  the high school principal got in touch with us. He had seen Tony's piece on tv and wanted to  get in touch with him about coming and talking to a small group of students. Tony said he was interested but I don't know if they have arranged it yet.  This will be hard for him.  He doesn't have good memories of that place, but this could be a real opportunity to make a difference.  At risk kids are a tough crowd, but it seems like someone who has been in their shoes may be able to get through.  Ron: I would love to hear your thoughts...

blues...

It's Saturday... I don't have to work, it's rainy, cold, chance of snow later, I have things to do, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Another craft sale, christmas shopping, holiday party... I am just not in the mood.  I am boycotting my favorite oldies radio station because they started playing christmas music a month ago. It's dark when I get up in the morning and dark when I drive home from work.    So many ads to buy buy buy... stuff we don't need and can't afford.

Yup, it's depressing. That's early December for ya.

Tony seems to be pulling away... I guess he's really busy, getting towards the end of the semester, projects due, exams, plus he's trying to work every weekend.  I don't know what's going on with K, he says they haven't had time to talk.

So, it's been three years... and he is acting independent... finally.  I guess.  Not coming home as much, not texting as often, not quite as talkative when he's home.  I gotta tell you, it feels weird, uncomfortable.  Three years of intensity surrounding him, it's hard to let go of that.  It gave me purpose, you know?  I know in my head that this is what we strive for as parents, for our little birds to fly solo, but it feels funny to not be needed so much.  Not to be included in every detail of his life anymore. Yeah, it hurts a little.

It's hard to admit that...  I get accused (behind my back they think) of being an overly involved and overly protective parent.  Guilty, I guess.  I've seen worse.  I'd like to think I know when to back off.  And maybe now is the time for Tony.  He has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks, he will be 22.

So, interestingly enough... we have seen my older son and his wife twice this week.  That's nice. We have a much different relationship, more mature.  They only live 20 minutes away but we go sometimes a couple weeks without connecting.  They have their own lives.

ok, on to the shopping season...

Peace.

Three Years ago...

Lately I've been distant from blogs.  Been busy, you know... and stuff...

Three years ago on Thanksgiving our nightmare began, our son told us he was a heroin addict.  A lot of water under the bridge since then, now he's been clean for a couple of years, since July he's off all medication and we're all trying to get used to "New Tony".

Most everyone was home for Thanksgiving, it was great to see all the family.  Tony was distant and quiet.  He's been so busy, and now his relationship with K is up in the air. (He is having second thoughts about the break up.) He's been working and taking a full load of classes, and he is passing all his classes, and for the first time it looks like he will get through the semester without dropping or flunking a class.  He is focused and intense, serious.

So... I don't know if this is normal.  Something didn't feel right to me... but then, I don't know what right feels like anymore.  I told H yesterday, I don't know if I will every get over this.  I still feel like I'm on alert, like I'm afraid to relax, afraid to be happy.

We bought a condo in Florida, a vacation home. I love it there, it's peaceful, warm and sunny.  A nice retreat for us to escape to.  I am uncomfortable telling our friends and family about it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Why?  We worked hard for it.  But, don't feel deserving, and I certainly don't want to flaunt it.

Yeah, this journey is not over, I have a long ways to go.  Blogging helps, I should have remembered that sooner.  Thanks to all.

A couple of sad things...

Last week my grandma passed away. She was 98.  This was a tough loss, we were close and she lived such a long life, I was starting to think she was going to live forever.  It seemed an easy passing... she just gradually started sleeping more and more, until she finally didn't wake up... and then after a couple of days, just slipped away.   I helped my mom some, she had a lot on her plate, and I was worried about her handling all of it.  But she really obsessed over all the details, wanted everything done right, and the funeral was beautiful.  Imagine a cemetery in the heart of Wisconsin farmland, up on a hill, overlooking the fields, on a windy but sunny autumn day, with leaves falling and quiet rustling, sun shimmering through the trees.  It gave me peace.

Yesterday Tony broke up with K.  She was devastated.  I guess I wasn't completely surprised. He talked a little last week like he wasn't feeling the same about her, things had changed and he felt he was wanting to move on.  I am crushed, I love that girl.

So, this is the new Tony.  Tony free of all drugs and medication.  He is focused and no longer paralyzed by indecision.  He's organized and staying busy.  Keeping track of his time, working and going to school.

Gone is the little boy, blond and chubby cheeked, happy and carefree.

Gone is the drug addict, depressed and desperate.

Gone is the dependent, unsure, drifter.

Now that those Tony's are gone, I'm not sure who is the new Tony.... someone I want to get to know better.  He is someone new, someone different.  Maybe he is someone who can actually look ahead and figure out what he wants.  His past has shaped this new Tony, in ways that I don't always understand.  I'm not sure what to make of new Tony yet.  He buys guns, breaks up with his girlfriend, talks about joining the military, not sure who his friends are...  don't know what to think.

I am sad because I love K.

But I feel this is another milestone. He is leaving that old Tony behind with K I think.  He needs to move forward... I guess there was just too much SH*^%)&*T in their shared past.

Tread carefully, my boy...

Catching up

Ok, it's been a while, and I just was trying to catch up on the blogs I usually follow.  I realize I've missed you guys... my fellow bloggers...

I've been busy... at work, and with more trips to Florida.  It was a lot of work, but we're glad we now have a vacation home!!  We are so happy with our new place and looking forward to a lot of future leisure time there.

Tony is doing very well I think.  The semester is well under way, and in spite of taking more credits than usual and working more than usual, he is doing better than usual.  In fact he had a couple of exams yesterday and said he did very well.  K says she'll believe it when she sees the grade... I don't blame her for that, he doesn't have a stellar track record.  But, he sounds good, he says he is doing well managing his time, and in spite of being super busy, doesn't sound that stressed.  He's tired, but in a normal, every day life, has too much to do way, not in a side effects from medication or drug use way.

Of course I worry and I am wary.  He's off Suboxone, and I keep thinking without that safety net, how much "life" can he take before that one more thing happens that pushes him over the edge.  He's pushing himself... that's unusual.  He's managing his time... that is also unusual... he's never been good at that.  He's been making his own decisions, despite our advice, the gun, and now a new kitten.  Both items he thought about for a long time before deciding.  Is it possible that... now that he is really healthy... he is starting to mature??  I know he is technically an adult, but I think he is actually starting to act like one.  I can only hope he continues down this path.

My other son....

Just been catching up on blogs after a couple weeks off... This has been on my mind...

My older son is 25 now... He just bought a new car, with his own money, got the loan on his own, picked it out with his wife.  He's got a good job and a condo for him and his wife. We are still helping them pay for their first car (a wedding gift), but that will end within 6 months, and they will be completely independent financially.  Very proud of him.

I can't tell you how hard it is NOT to compare him to my younger son, Tony.  Even without addiction in the family, that's a difficult thing, not to compare children.  I've tried NOT to for the last 21 years.  They are each individuals, with their own personality, own path, own choices.

Tony was the youngest, always following his older brother, B.  He heard all about his brother, his successes with his grades, sports, etc.  B was charming, he was popular, a "good" kid. Tony was very young when we had to juggle our own kids and my husband's failing parents, through their passings.  Tony was entering high school, when B decided to marry at 19, so Tony had to listen to all the fuss over that for quite a while.  I was on a huge project at work during Tony's junior and senior year of high school.  All of these things distracted us as parents from him. He experimented with alcohol and drugs, pushed boundaries, tested limits, things that B never did.

All kinds of things run through my mind, excuses, reasons... still... even after all of these months working on my own recovery.

Compare my two sons?  Sure, I can't help it.  They are different, but you know... I kind of like that.  Each of them can be happy and successful in life in their own way.

This photo horrified me when I first saw it, Tony lighting B's birthday cake candle with his heroin tattoo in full view.  Yup, they are different alright!

Milestone, and another new day

Today is the first day of the rest of Tony's life.  And it marks TWO years of sobriety.

Seems like a big milestone to me.  Two years represents a long time, struggles, hard work, ups and downs. We're proud of him.  I think if he can stay clean for two years, he can stay clean for the rest of his life.

But, I think most of us know that it isn't that easy.  He has a lot of challenges ahead, hopefully finishing college, and figuring out how to make a living, to name a couple.  All of this is hard enough for most people, but for him and all recovering addicts, life has taken a detour and is difficult to get back on, and stay on the right track.

BTW, he is celebrating this milestone by going target shooting with his new gun.  GRRRRR.

I did talk to him about the gun purchase.  I told him he would be contributing more financially than he had in the past.  I won't be protecting his Savings anymore, he will have to use it until it's gone, and work more hours if necessary.  I know this is going to be difficult with school, but I think he can do it, and I know I can't baby him.

He surprised me (again), by telling me he's been contemplating joining the military (Marines).  I think the  Marines would crush his gentle soul, and I told him that, after asking politely if I could offer my opinion. I'm not sure if he's serious, we'll see.  Again, this is way out of my comfort zone.  Of course it is NOT my life, and these are his choices... (sigh...)

Note to self: Momma knows all...

So, just cuz the kid is clean, doesn't mean he's not stupid.

Ok, that was pretty harsh, but I'm still pretty mad.  Yesterday I discovered that Son2, aka Tony, bought himself a gun, of all things. I know he's wanted one for a long time. He's known since a small child, that I detest guns, and that I would never approve.  So, on top of that, he doesn't have that kind of money.  We've been helping him with school, rent, gas, groceries, and he's been chipping in this summer since he's been working part time.  He's not making enough to buy a gun, so he took 2/3 of his savings to buy it. The Savings, that I have been protecting for him... guess that was stupid of me, should have taken it long ago in return for all the cash he stole, wasted tuition for classes he flunked, etc, etc, etc.

He must have forgotten that I still have access to his accounts online, or else he didn't care if I found out, or maybe he thought I wouldn't notice right away, and he would have a chance to tell me.  Regardless, I blasted him with texts when I was very angry, probably shouldn't have done that.  After a few minutes, I texted him that we would talk when I calmed down, I think that will be tomorrow night.

I think we will have to ask him to contribute a set amount every month financially.  I haven't discussed it all through with H, but think there must be consequences of some kind for this.  So, he will have to work, more hours if necessary. And if he can't come up with it, maybe we will have to confiscate the gun or something.  Just thoughts at this point...

And another thing, technically this is a lie... a lie of omission... after I calm down about the gun, then I will get mad about that too.

ok, I'm really mad, but .... it's kind of nice to be mad about something that has nothing to do with drugs, at least I hope it doesn't.  I mean, I'm hoping this is what it is, and doesn't have anything to do with him going off of Suboxone.  It's kind of hard to explain, but I almost think this is a new version of Tony, or is it old Tony, using Tony, or just Tony off of Suboxone?

On a lighter note, the kid can still make me chuckle.  He posted this on his FB wall after my text blast, "Note to self: Momma knows all"

Husbands will surprise you too

Yesterday I got an email from my husband while at work.  A co worker of his was bragging about not needing all of her pain medication after oral surgery.  H was very concerned about the leftovers, and was explaining to her that she should dispose of them properly so they would not fall into the wrong hands. He emailed to ask me where that drop off location was.

I haven't posted much about my husband.  He has his own way of dealing with our son's addiction and recovery.  He went to one or two Al-anon meetings with me a couple of years ago, will read a link to an interesting article or post if I send it to him.  I have books laying around on addiction and recovery, but I have never seen him even pick one up.

He will always listen when I talk, and will engage in discussion if I ask him what he thinks.  He is supportive to Tony, and has always been a wonderful father.  But,I get the impression he thinks he can get through this by himself, doesn't need any help...

So, just when I'm wondering if he really is listening, or will ever take a stand on this, he does this. He did his own little part to keep a narcotic off the street.  Guess he was paying attention.  :)

Feeling better...

Although he says he is not 100%, Tony says he is feeling much better.  Still having trouble sleeping, but even that is better, as well as the aches and pains and stomach trouble.

Spent some time with K this morning while Tony was in Group.  It's always good to get her perspective or interpretation of how things are going.  So, if I ask Tony about his mood, I always want to ask her too, since she is up close and personal.  Sounds better, but moods are still up and down.  Too bad she couldn't be with him for the worst of it, he had to spend one or two nights alone. But maybe that's ok, he fought that fight alone, and won the battle.  Gotta make him feel good about himself.

OFF OF SUBOXONE!

Tony has been off now since Wednesday, so, it's been 5 days.  My husband and I were gone for the weekend, which made me uncomfortable, but... Tony convinced me to go, and I realized he had to do this alone.  I was in touch by text, and I think the weekend was kind of rough.  I won't go into all the gory details, but it sounded like the flu, and he had a couple bad nights.  So yesterday, he texted me how he was feeling and I suggested maybe things were improving.  He said he was on the downhill... so it sounds like the worst is over.

So, there he is now, no more safety net, exposed and naked.  I will see him in a couple of days.  It's scary... for me... I am feeling uneasy... hopeful... but very uneasy.

And something else... I was in touch with K... who left Tony alone one of those bad nights... she said he was acting so lethargic, and I suppose he was crabby too and not feeling well.  She said it reminded her of how he was when he was using, and she found it very difficult to be around him.  I felt bad about that, how much she has been hurt in all of this.  I love her, and I know Tony does too.

He did have some medication to help with the symptoms.  One of the drugs is a narcotic.  I'm not sure whose idea it was, but K was in charge of that one.  She decided the when and where and the dose and sounded like she kept it in her possession.  I'm guessing that he was only prescribed enough to get through these symptoms and then that's done too.

So, I have time off this week, and I do so want to drive to see him, check up on him.  He will be here in a couple of days, so I suppose I can wait.

Cold turkey it is...

Tony (aka Son2) told us this week he has decided next Wednesday will be his last dose of Suboxone.  He talked to his doctor today, and has an appointment with him next Thursday where they will decide what medicine to use for the withdrawal symptoms.

From what I understand the worst of it should be over in a couple of weeks, but it's hard to say.  Everyone is different.  He wants to do it this summer, while he is not in school.

This was totally his decision.  Of course I'm concerned, I just was reading a blog about this very thing, and it doesn't sound fun, although it sounds much better than withdrawing from heroin.  The blog's author also said he didn't really feel normal for 3-4 months or so.

Normal.  What is that?  I'm not sure I know what that looks like.  Will he be happy?  Will he be depressed?  Will he use?  Will he drink? Will he be an asshole?  (excuse my language)

I'll be doing some more reading on this...

and he plans on staying in the apt with K during all of this, although I suggested that he come home for a few days if he wants to or needs to.

we're out in the open, and life goes on...

The first part of this post is about Son2 (Tony) and his wean off of Suboxone.  He told me this week that at last week's dr appointment, they talked about how to handle the last part of the wean.  First choice is 6 more months of going down 1 mg at a time, it gets harder each month and he's gotta go through a few days of feeling sick each month, which he's already been doing.  Second choice is cold turkey, which at the point the doctor says, would be comparable to dragging it out for 6 months.  He said it's hard to say just how bad it would be or how long the symptoms would last.  Before I could even say anything, Tony said that the second option made him very uncomfortable.  No quick decision here, both options sound rough.  I can't even give him any advice on this one, except that the cold turkey also scares me.  Frankly, I'm scared to death of him going off at all, it feels like a safety net I'm afraid to cut away.  But it's not my decision, and he sounds like he is considering carefully.  It was his choice to to begin the wean in the first place, but of course I worry.

The second part of this post, is about reactions.  I really didn't know what to expect for reactions to Tony going on tv and announcing he is a recovering heroin addict.  Good thing I didn't have very long to worry about that.  I'll start with my own reaction.  I was quite disturbed about the way they opened the interview, with a shot of drug spoon, foil, syringe.  I realize that was an eye catcher for their audience, but to me it just felt like a shot to the gut. Tony was amazing, serious, clear eyed.  I was so proud of him.  I haven't been able to watch the video again, not ready for that. Some day I will.

I had let a few people know about the interview before hand so they could watch, but most of them knew about Tony's addiction already.

When I think about all the people we know in this area, it's staggering.  My husband grew up here, and has lots of friends, lots of hobbies and avenues for contacts in various ways, work, school, etc.  We've lived here together for 25 years, so I have a lot of contacts through work, etc. as well.  Plus, I have quite a bit of family up here, aunts and uncles, and lots and lots of cousins.  So, with all of that, only a handful of people have reached out to us.  Some old friends, parents of my older son's best friend as a child, wrote us a very nice note.  A good friend of mine from work, a middle aged family guy with a daughter about Tony's age, came to me a couple of days ago and we had a nice talk.  That was a difficult but much needed conversation, he left my cubicle with tears in his eyes.  Well, that's it so far... I suspect a lot of people saw it, but maybe don't want to say anything.

I feel relieved that this has come out. And I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore.  If there is one thing I learned in the past two and a half years, it's that I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.  

that's my boy

Son2 did an amazing thing this week.  He went on tv and told his story.  Kid's got guts, that's for sure.

Link------> Son2 on the news

I surely hope this will make a difference in our community.

So, the cat's out of the bag.  Time for me to come clean now with people in my life.  No more hiding from this.

My name is Lu Ann, aka Momma, and my son is an addict.  My son's name is Tony.

I made a new friend...

She is the new SO of a very old friend of my husband.  They've been around a lot this summer, and she's not from around here, so it's been fun to show her our midwestern ways.  She's from out east, has traveled a lot and is a very interesting person.  I'll call her R.

This is significant because... well... I'm kind of a natural home body. My choice, I'd rather stay home then go out and party, and it's not exactly my thing to go out with the girls... in other words, I guess I don't have many close friends that I hang out with.

I mentioned to her a while back that I had a chair in the basement that I had been meaning to recover for about 15 years.  She jumped on it and offered to help, pick out fabric, etc.  She brought me swatches, evaluated the chair, helped me take it apart and measure the old fabric.  Then we went to find new fabric and spent last weekend recovering. I don't imagine I'm the kind of girlfriend she's used to, I'm not cosmopolitan or sophisticated, don't wear a lot of jewelry or low cut outfits.  I wear jeans whenever I can, and shorts.  I sweat when I'm hot... well, you get the picture.  But R is a very down to earth woman, she's real, and she's sweet, with a great sense of humor.  Plus she is a woman's woman.  She sticks up for herself and is self-assured.

I always loved this rocking chair... it was my grandma's (the one who is 97), I remember it from when I was a kid, then she gave it to me and I rocked my own babies.  When we moved to the lake, it was all ripped and worn and went straight to the basement.  The transformation absolutely thrilled me.  There is something so rewarding about making something old new again.  And it delights me how comfortable it is for me, no wonder I spent so much time rocking the boys in it.  Long story short, it made me so happy.

So, last night I finished putting all the finishing tacks on the chair, wanted to show R before we went out shopping again today.  I enjoy hanging out with her.  It's amazing how fascinating Wisconsin can be to someone not from here.  We always see ourselves as so normal and un-amazing.

I have a friend, someone to be myself with, where I'm not a mom, a wife, a daughter.  I think this will be a nice summer.

My boys

So, I couldn't resist because this pic is so great.  This captures the essence of each of them, this is how I think of them, happy, joking around, having fun.  The adults that they are today with a flash of "kid" still in them.  I just love this.

That is Son2 on the left, and Son1 on the right.  We were celebrating their dad's birthday, ice cream parlor after going out to dinner.  It was a fun evening, and I was delighted that we were all together.

parental criticism...

My folks came to visit yesterday... nice and quiet visit, steak on the grill, lots of time to catch up, sit outside and relax.

Of course the subject came up of Son2. I told them how well I thought he was doing, and that his grades came out pretty good.  So, my dad had to say something... He said that if we cut him off from financial support for college, that would teach him to get good grades (or something like that).  Why does that man make me so darn defensive!?!  So, of course, he doesn't really get it, comes from a different generation, where threats were used often.  And, I know my husband and I are proud of Son2... he managed to succeed in college despite his struggles.  And, duh... I would NOT have continued to support that if he was still using, I am NOT (despite past history) a complete idiot.

I haven't told my parents much of anything about Son2 and K's relationship troubles.  They adore (as do I) K and have taken the stance that if anything happens between them, it would be all Son2's fault.  We had been talking about my nephew's recent engagement, and my dad doesn't think much of the kid, and never will give him the benefit of the doubt.  I myself have been critical of my nephew, because I was never sure how much he knew and didn't say about Son2's drug use.  But I don't know the facts, so I feel I must keep an open mind.  My dad is judgemental, it's black or white with him.

My dad couldn't even (has not yet) congratulate or tell me he was proud of me for getting the promotion.  All he could say was how come you have to work harder and not get any extra compensation.

Ok, so basically this post is about my dad and how he makes me feel.  I will never live up... neither will Son2. What can I do?  It's hard not to take all of it to heart.

milestones...

I was going to post that it was my birthday this week, a year older, a year wiser, etc... It was a nice birthday, nice gifts, also my 15 year service anniversary at work, nice recognition for that.

The milestone I really want to mention, is that Son2 got his grades and he got all B's or better.  Ok, so he only ended up with 3 classes this semester, but I can't even think how long it's been since he did this well in school.  I don't even remember him getting grades like this in high school (or maybe I can't remember that far back).  He certainly hasn't worked this hard, truly actually tried to do well, in several years.  This is significant, and I am very proud of him.

He also started his new job, serving at a fancy place where they hold weddings and other events.  He said it was best first day ever.  He even spilled a glass of water and had to totally reset an entire table, and said he didn't even get upset, just asked "just tell me how to fix this" and did it.

He continues to do his step work, he is just starting step 5, please someone remind me what that is.  He has now an additional sponsor, in addition to Angel.  He has asked a family friend of K's, a pastor, to be his spiritual sponsor.  I am glad to hear that.  I respect this man, and I think this will be a good thing.  Son2 also has been working on the first step with his sponsee.  He says he's doing the first step along WITH his sponsee, so he's going through that again too.

He also goes to Group (after care) once a week, and meets with the addiction counselor one on one once in a while too.  He sees the addiction doctor once every couple of months, he continues to wean off of Suboxone.  It's kinda weird, he says it's like having a monthly period.  Every month he gets crabby for a few days after he changes his dose.

I'm not sure how often, but it sounds like he attends NA meetings maybe two or three times a week.

He works hard at his recovery.  It's part of life for him.  He will mostly work his new job on the weekends, so I think he is planning on spending time this summer working with his sponsors and sponsee. He's trying to be more independent, K has not moved back in yet... not sure what's going on there.

It should be an interesting summer...

the semester is over...

So, it's over.  Son2 withdrew from the problem class, and managed to get B or better in his other classes, all studios. I'm proud of him, so proud... this is his best college semester yet... a couple years ago, I didn't know if he should even BE in college.  He should be proud too, he worked really hard for this.

I think he is satisfied with himself for that.  But, he is distracted again, with his relationship with K.  It doesn't sound like she wants to move back in with him.  They have been dating, but living apart.  He doesn't like it.  I think she doesn't want to move back in because she is afraid it will be like it was before, the same codependent thing.  Of course, he promises it won't be, but can I really blame her for not believing him?  I'm guessing she feels responsible, and doesn't think that it's fair.  Well, of course it's not fair.  She is not responsible for his sobriety, and we all know that, but saying it and believing it are different things.  He is losing patience with her, she can't commit, doesn't want to move in, can't even say if she wants to be with him.  I told him, he needs to prove to himself and to her, that he can live his recovery without her, and I don't know how long that will take.  Sad, sad, sad, but he's working on it, and only time will tell.

On a different note, I miss my other son.  Us bloggers, we don't often talk much about our other kids. I saw Son1 on Mother's Day, he brought me flowers and hung out with us and Son2 and K.  We don't see Son1 much, he is busy with his life, his wife, job, friends, etc.  He lives 20 minutes away.  He is independent, isn't that a good thing?  He also doesn't see his brother much, in fact I think they only see each other at family events.  I don't want to think he is ashamed of his brother, but the thought has crossed my mind.

And finally, I'm tired and sick.  I've been putting in some long hours at work on a big project with a lot of stress.  It's finally taken it's toll, and I got sick, sinus infection.  Forced me to stay home today, where I still managed to put a half day's work in.  So, I'm a little whiny, and it's times like this when it's hard to be hopeful about anything.

Actually, I got nothin' to complain about.  Both my boys are doing fine... it's just ME having a bad day.

Stuff happens

Ron's posts often hit me right at home.  Son2 is really experiencing life... and all the problems and day to day "stuff" that we all have to deal with.

He is not doing well in one of his classes. In the past, when this has happened, he basically ignored the issue until it was too late to drop and then ended up failing.  This of course, has damaged his gpa almost beyond repair, but he has avoided getting kicked out, finally got off of probation, and this time, is actually trying to figure out what to do.  He told me the other day he has to figure out if he should drop or if he can salvage his grade by studying like crazy.  hmmmm... sounds like a plan to me.  He actually told me he had to make this decision himself, and act like a human, actually act like a grown up.

The other life lesson, that just happened today, was that he cut his hand in art class today, working on a project, his metals class, I'm guessing.  I've been extremely busy at work, long hours, lots of meetings, etc, etc.  Anyway, when he called, I was going into a meeting and so couldn't answer, but texted him to ask what was up. He was already on his way to health service.  I couldn't really do anything anyway, but we spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, me in several meetings, and him at health service, then HIM calling the insurance company, then to the ER, then to get a stitch and a tetanus shot.  He sure seemed to have it all under control, but I asked for a text pic anyway.  Just one stitch, but the wound did look pretty deep.  So now, he has to spend the next week keeping it dry and not over extending it.  Not easy when he has art project work to finish by the end of the semester.  I told him to do his best.  He told me not to worry, he would do what he had to do.

Good Friday

Son2 gave me permission to post some of his art work.  I don't know if I mentioned, he is an art major in college.  A lot of his work has to do with his recovery.  Above is a hand made book of his which he was proud to say was recently included in a show.  The cover came from a print he made from the early days, it's pretty dark, I don't know if you can see it's a guy without a head.  Yeah, much of his early work is dark, those were black days for him.  Anyway, the rest of the pages contain print images of "drug" stuff, representing the lost years.  It's powerful, and hard for his dad and I to look at, really.

Son2 was here this week again for Group on Friday and a one-on-one appointment with his drug counselor.  I was off work for the holiday so I tagged along to check with the Center regarding insurance.  I met a few of his group members, and then he invited me to sit in on his one-on-one.  I wasn't expecting that, after all that was "his" time and I knew he needed to talk through some stuff.  I'm so glad I had that opportunity.  I have to say I am so thankful for this counselor, I'll call him "D".  30 years of experience, and the guy surely knows how to get to the meat of it.  He doesn't let my son get away with anything.  He cuts to the chase, and puts reality right in front of him.  The greatest thing is that Son2 is receiving all of that very well.  He is open to change, and advice and has a great deal of respect for D.  He says he can't BS D, can't fool him, and he likes that.  WOW, I think he is growing up... growing... evolving...

Kids... they WILL surprise you

I had a long phone conversation with Son2 a few days ago, and he said that he and K were working through some things.  They sat down and each made a list of what they want, and came to find out that they had so much more in common on their lists than not.  They still love each other, and still want to maintain the relationship.  So, what is the problem then?  Well... it sounds like they are realizing that they jumped into things a bit too quickly a couple years back, and missed that normal relationship building, dating, etc.  Uhhhh... when I told my husband, he actually burst out laughing.  This would be in the "I tried to tell you" category.  We certainly felt that at the time.  When they first got together, I felt so uneasy about it.  It was a terrible time in his life, confessing his addiction to us, and then starting a relationship with someone at the same time?

So, they are trying to back up, not an easy thing to do, and it will take a lot of work and commitment from both of them.  She is going to move out for a month, they will "date", they will keep the apartment, the third roommate will move out for good, and K will move back in after a month.  At that time, they plan to each have their own "space" in the apartment.  They will each have the opportunity to have their own room, so that is probably a good thing.

They seem to think it is worth all of this, and I have to give them credit for trying.  I suggested counseling, and Son2 liked the idea.  He is a little skeptical about how things will be when she comes back, but I told him there are never any guarantees, and to take it as it comes.

So... K is NOT out of the picture.  Personally, I am glad.  I hope things work out.

Heartbroken...

Well, Son2 took the engagement ring back.  Just happened on Saturday, and then he came home to stay with us overnight.  He went back Sunday to talk to K... thought they should decide what to do.  Their lease is up in a few weeks, so now is the time to make some hard choices.

I had a brief text exchange with him today... he said he was ok, but no decisions had been made yet.

I am so sad... for Son2, and for our family.

Something is going on with K...

Son2 made his weekly trip home last night for Group.  He talked a lot about how frustrated he is with how things are going with K.  He is angry, and doesn't think he is being treated very well.

I'm not sure, but I suspect K wants her old life back.  She says she is trying to re-establish friendships that she has let flounder during the last couple of years she has been with Son2.  She misses her old friends, and  wants to spend time with them.  Yes, she has started partying again.  I'm not sure how much, but she is drinking.  So... she's been spending a lot of time with friends, and excluding Son2.

Son2 is a bit of a loner.  He needs to have his own friends.  Needs to make new friends.  He needs to have some kind of a life apart from her.  I suspect that's maybe what she is trying to pursue... but Son2 is having a hard time, and he's pretty upset with her.  I don't know if they can overcome this.

Yes, I know it is their problem to solve, it's really between them to figure this out.  But, I can't help but feel bad.  I adore her, I love her like the daughter I never had.  She is a wonderful person and has so many endearing qualities.  I just don't know what she is thinking, and I am so afraid she wants out.  It's personal for me.  Of course, there is that underlying fear of how will Son2 react if they break up.  You all know what I'm thinking...

Why did she do it?  Why did she even start to date him more than two years ago when she knew he was using heroin?  Why did she stay with him when he relapsed?  Why didn't she dump him when she had so many opportunities in the past?  Why now, when he has made so much good progress, does she well..., change?   Hmmmmmm.... this girl is a complex cookie.

How I've changed...

Ron, your post was amazing, made me think a lot.

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  My body, and my mind are restless.  Feels like something is going to happen, with my dad, my grandma, Son2, or something...

I have to tell you about my mother, my role model, in order to explain how Son2's addiction has changed me.  Mom married my dad at 19, they started having kids right away.  She never worked except for 1 year as an accounting assistant after we were all out of the house.  Her job was, and still is, to take care of her family.  She always has been a worrier.  She has fussed over every drama, big and small, in my dad's family, our family, her kids, and now her grand kids.  I think over the years she has seen her role to worry about everyone in the family.  She also is the caretaker.  She feels responsible for the health of my dad, her mother, and of course herself.  My mother was my model for being a wife and mother.  I always felt if I could be half the woman she was, I would be successful.

When we found out about Son2's addiction, I didn't want to tell my parents.  They had already been through a lot with my niece and nephew.  Sometimes that was all Mom could talk about.  I did finally tell them after a couple of months.  I finally decided in their shoes, I would want to know.  Anyway, I tried to be "Mom", I reacted the only way I knew how... but it wasn't enough.

So, how have I changed?

I am not nearly as hard on other parents.  I was raised to believe kids are an extension of their parents.  I don't know how many times I heard my parents be very critical of the parents when their kids messed up.  They are probably doing that right now.

I can't fix this.  This has been a slow realization, but I am finally coming to terms with it.  Early on, I used to say I'm going to do everything I can, if it doesn't work it's not going to be for "my" lack of trying.  It's been hard to let go of the idea that Son2's recovery is my responsibility.  Now, I know I can't do it for him, but I can offer him support in his recovery.

Worrying doesn't help.  It certainly doesn't help my son, and it just makes me crazy, so why do it?  It's very difficult for me, hence the tossing and turning at night... but I'm trying.

Other things like it's not my fault, Addiction is a disease, I'm trying to embrace.  Logically these things make sense, but emotionally... I don't know.

I'm a stronger person than I was.  Maybe a bit more hardened, maybe a bit frustrated with parents who worry because their 23 year old just got a lip ring, or had a beer.

And sad... of course.  Sad that this has happened, that loss of a couple years he'll never get back. A changed person.

Generations...

Two posts in one day!  Well, I can't help it if stuff is happening...

Son2:  well, you all know from previous posts what's been going on.  Hopefully he'll be successful with his new job.  He went to the doctor this week, and is continuing to wean off the Suboxone.

Dad:  just found out this morning he was having chest pains and he will have to have some sort of heart procedure (a catheterization?).  He has a history of heart problems, he had bypass surgery a two years ago.  Dr. said not to strain himself until they could get it set up.  Mom said she was giving me a heads up because someone will have to drive them around probably when it happens.  I imagine that will be pretty soon.

Grandma:  She's still hanging in there. Hospice has started coming in daily for about a week now.  I saw her last weekend, first time in maybe 6 months.  She has declined quite a bit.  She falls asleep a lot, in fact can't hardly stay awake to hold much of a conversation.  But, she did recognize me, called me by name and was very happy to see me.  I'm glad I went and made her smile.  I don't know how much longer she will be able to "know" people.  She's 97.

My job is going well, although I am very busy with the current project and it is taking every ounce of brain power I have when I am there to focus in and maintain progress.

I try not to worry about all of this... I guess I do worry, but at least I try not to let it take over.  What ever happens, I will just have to take it as it comes, as I have done so many times in the past.  Because that is what I do, that is what I HAVE to do...

Clueless...

My best friend is in her mid forties, never had kids, been divorced twice, and has had many failed relationships.  I'm going to call her Clueless... and although that is somewhat derogatory, I am very fond of her and we have been good friends for many years.  She has always been there for me.  She is generous and caring, to a fault...

She is a good gauge for me... It's interesting to see her reaction to things in my life... she always tries to help... which I appreciate, but really... I just need her to listen.

Yesterday, she again recommended that Son2 read this book called "Heroin Diaries" about some ex rocker who did drugs.  I do NOT want him to read that, and I don't think he would anyway.  I can't read that myself.  I can't seem to explain to her why.  Once in a while I watch that show "Intervention" and I really have a hard time with that.  Too painful... too close to home.

She is the kind of person who loves books.  Got a problem, read a book.  I love books too, but I'd like to think I'm not so naive to think that reading a self-help book will give me all the answers and solve everything.  Clueless has read many diet, self-help, how-to, and meaning-of-life books.  Each time, she makes a half-hearted attempt to follow whatever guru's advice for a short time, and then is on to the next thing.  She is content to isolate herself with her beloved pets (horse, dog, etc) and books and not deal with real people in the real world.

I can't make her understand what being a parent is, and what it means to me.  How hard-hearted I must seem to her when I say things like Son2's relationship with K is not my problem and I can't really do anything about it.  How can I explain to her that I can't solve a problem that is not mine to solve, and I can love someone more than anything, but that is not enough to "fix" them.

Having said all of that, I love her dearly.  I know I can count on her. She is one of the steady rocks in my life.

Thank you, Clueless.

Son2 got a job!

Without mohawk, Son2 went to apply for a job at a catering company and was successful!

So... with a crewcut, lip ring removed, long sleeved white shirt, black dress pants and shoes and a shave he will look like a regular guy with a job.

This will be a good thing, a good life lesson for him.  Good for him.

Pink Mohawk is gone

Son2 sent me a picture message today, of himself WITHOUT the pink mohawk.  And no pink, either.  I was a little surprised he got rid of it so quickly... but I am happy.

I'd like to think something so superficial does not mean anything to me, but I really am glad its gone.  I have to rejoice today... because I don't think I should be quite so happy about it when I see him tomorrow.

I'll see how he's taking it before I get too excited.  Last time he got rid of it (for a job), he actually cried... but I think that was when he was using.

I had a talk with K

I read a post from a fellow blogger recently about their addict son's life stress being preferable to drug stress.  What a timely post for me!

Son2 and K came for a visit for a couple days and I had a nice talk with K (Son2's finance).  Yes, they have been fighting lately... about what, I was very curious, even though it was really none of my business.  Well, it's really normal relationship stuff.  Of course this is maybe a little more intense given the history of drug abuse in their relationship... but really it's kind of normal stuff.  I think Son2's maturity was stifled, delayed if you will during his using days... so.... he is kind of behind in that department.

I think that if they give each other some room, have a lot of patience, and remain committed, they can work through this.  Good thing they have enough sense to have a long engagement.

K goes to Al Anon, has a sponsor and is working through the 12-step program.  She is also the daughter of an alcoholic.  Son2 goes to NA meetings, also works the 12 steps,  and continues to go to "after care" group once a week.  He has started seeing the drug counselor one on one once a week as well since some of this relationship stuff has come up recently.  They know what to do.  They are doing it.  They have support.  It's up to them now.  A lot of it is up to Son2.

On a side note, I suspect the mohawk will be gone soon.  Son2 is actively looking for a summer job, and the jobs he is looking at will require more of a "clean cut" appearance.  I think the lip ring will have to come out too.  He will come to this decision on his own... I will not influence.  I think I will not miss the stares he gets in public.  It always takes me a few seconds to realize they are not admiring his good looks, hey... that guy thinks my kid is a freak.  But, on the other hand, I might actually miss it a little... it makes him special and unique and an individual, a rebel, anti establishment.  ok, maybe I won't miss it.... but it will be a change though to get used to... we kinda have gotten used to him the way he is, you know?

Thanks to you all for your posts, it means a lot.  And in case you're wondering if it makes a difference... it does... to me.

Quick update...it's all about me

This post is about me... all about me...  Seems selfish, but I'm going to try.

I was offered and accepted the position at work, so I will be promoted next month.  YAY for me!  I already have been moved to a new bigger cubicle which is pretty sweet.

I am disappointed with the recent events here in my state of Wisconsin.  Lots of tension around here lately, and the protests get bigger and more elaborate. I did protest at the Capitol a couple of weeks ago along with about 75,000 others.

I decided to go on a diet, change my eating habits, try to self-improve and take better care of myself.  This has been going on about 3 weeks or so.  Guess what?  I feel better!

It is spring, and I love spring.  We had some nice warm days this week where, along with Daylight Savings Time, I was able to get outside after work, first to cross country ski one last time, and then to go for a nice walk.

I got my hair cut today... something about that always renews me.

So, I managed to get through this without mentioning one other person (ok, except the other protesters).  It's kind of a challenge to completely focus on yourself even if just for a few minutes.

Try it...

I'm back!

I had such a nice time on vacation, I have to admit I couldn't face the blogging right away.  I really just wanted to day dream about the beach and ocean...  It was a great time to recharge. One of my favorite memories is standing on the beach at sunset.  It was so beautiful, the sky and the ocean were SO BIG, and I felt so small.  It was truly amazing.

Several things brought me back to reality, besides the airplane.  The weather was so warm, 50's when we got back.  There was mud everywhere and the snow was all dirty, it was depressing.  It has snowed since, and we are back to normal winter weather.  I am very busy at work now, in fact I am applying for a new position, which means I have to promote myself, something I'm not good at.  And then there is the budget repair bill causing a lot of turmoil here in Wisconsin.  The protests are big and practically in our back yard, about 20 minutes away, something else that makes me feel small.

Son2 hit the 18 month mark and proudly showed me his 18 month coin.  He keeps it in his wallet along with another milestone coin.  He also announced he has become a sponsor.  His sponsee is a couple years older than he is, and so far has been calling to touch base daily.  It's only been a week or so, and his sponsee is just beginning his recovery road, but Son2 seems positive.  He is a part of a sponsor family, his sponsor's name is Angel (no, I am not kidding).  He has sponsee brothers (other guys who Angel sponsors), and now he has a sponsee himself.  Sounds like they get together about once a week to do step work.

There is still something going on with Son2 and K.  She confided that they fight a lot, but she won't say about what.  I think she is under a lot of stress with school, but otherwise, I don't know what the heck is going on.  I know it is up to them to figure out.  She goes to Al Anon, and has a sponsor.  So, I know they both have support.  They know we are here too, to talk if need be.  So, I guess they will either work it out....or not.

Uneasy feeling

Well, I feel stupid now after that I feel lucky post.  Son2 had a fight with K at 5am yesterday.  Guess he had been up all night working on a school project, and then ended up having the fight.  He won't say what it was about or what's going on to me or to his dad.  He sounded funny on the phone last night.  Didn't give me any details today either via text, and didn't answer when I tried to call.  He did say he thinks things are alright. K hasn't answered my text either asking how she was doing.  Something is going on and I don't know what.  I think they don't want to say because we are leaving for our trip tomorrow night.

As you all know, this is the kind of thing that could trigger a relapse, I'm not going to kid myself about that.  I even went online and did a little snooping at his bank account to see if it looked like his spending had changed (don't think so).

I know I should stay out of it...I tried to do that today, I really did.  He can handle this, whatever it is, but will he?  I just want him to tell me everything is ok, he stayed sober, they are still engaged, and they got through it.  I wish I could talk to him face to face, but I don't think that will be possible until we get back from our trip.

So, I feel like I'm on alert.  I know I should relax, let go and hop on the plane.  It's his problem to solve.  I know that's what I need to do, but I will probably try to talk to him again tomorrow and see if I can get any reassurances... isn't that a rather selfish thing?  I really don't want to worry about this on our trip.

Hope I'm getting all worked up for nothing...

I think we are lucky

Son2 will be clean and sober for 18 months in a few days, but who's counting.

I can't help but feel lucky, and I'm not sure I am, or that I should be.  We are lucky to have health insurance, we are fortunate to have good jobs, we are fortunate that we didn't have to pay for inpatient care (Son2's has all been outpatient).  We are lucky that the black days of heroin were only a matter of months, not years. I mean is this even normal?  It almost feels like we are in for a train wreck.  I feel uneasy, I really do.  We are all stable for now, but you know, he can't stay in college forever.

Spring is coming, so naturally we start thinking of growth, change, etc.  He mentioned he might have normal hair by the summer (right now he has a pink mohawk). We've also been talking about looking for a summer job.  He is 5 months into his Suboxone wean.  Things are changing.  I think he is growing up...

We had an interesting funny little conversation a few days ago.  He told me that his Suboxone has a side effect of insomnia, something he has been struggling with for the past 2 years.  I said I know, I read the literature.  I told him I had given him all the information 2 years ago, but I guessed he wasn't in the right frame of mind to look at it.  He nodded knowingly.

My husband and I will be leaving on our trip in a few days.  Son2 has made us promise to let him know when we get there, check in regularly, etc.  Kinda funny to have the shoe on the other foot, but it feels very good to have some one worry about us for a change.

What we don't want to see

This past fall (before I started my blog) my husband and I did an anonymous tv interview as parents of an addict.  The gist of it was prescription drug use escalating to hard drugs, i.e. heroin.  So, we told our story, 3 minutes of it was broadcast and it was also posted on the station's website.  I was horrified by one of the comments on the website in response.  A woman had posted something to the effect of how she couldn't believe how stupid could parents be not to notice their kid was on drugs.  It felt like a cold slap in the face and it bothered me a lot for days, so much I couldn't concentrate at work.  A couple days later I ventured on the site again and was surprised to find that a number of people had come to our defense online.

I thought of that this week with the recent perceived attacks involving blogs I follow.  There are all kinds of content on these blogs, some we don't want to see, some make sense, some don't, some are good and some not so much.  It's overwhelming at first, that's for sure.  Yeah, some of it bothers me, a lot.  But, the thing is, it all gives me a lot to think about, and I appreciate all the different points of view, and the very different approaches and styles.

I hate to see anyone get offended, and I am surely one to avoid confrontation.  But I really hope this is a free exchange, free to speak, and free to ignore.  Take what you need, leave the rest...

A little drama this week

Son2 and K just realized this week that classes begin for second semester on Monday, a week earlier than they thought, so there was a little bit of scrambling around for them.  I just kind of chuckled, glad they had figured it out in time, and glad I turned that responsibility over to him.  It's a relief to know I don't have to keep track of when school starts, whether he signed up for classes in time, if he bought his books, and all the other details.  Hey, I already did all of that 30-some years ago for myself.

Son2 got a call this week saying he would be dropped from a few of his classes because he didn't have the necessary GPA.  He and K were pretty upset. I was sympathetic, but didn't step in to handle it, didn't offer to make any calls or anything.  Well, he did handle it, and I'm glad that he did.  He talked to advisors, counselors, and I don't know who all, and decided to apply to the SAC (Student Accessibility Center) to be categorized as disabled so he could get a little consideration.  He is looking for a little help with his GPA requirements, and also maybe some extended deadlines in course work.

I'm not sure I agree with this approach.  It feels like another excuse, a crutch.  But I keep thinking about the posts of all of you parent bloggers.  He has a disease.  I mean, if he can get a doctor to fill out the paperwork saying he is disabled, I should be able to accept the fact that he is.  I know he is, but it's still hard for me to process... I'm working on it.

So, he managed to avoid getting booted out of any classes for now, and the paperwork is in the works.  As I said, school starts Monday...

Our other little drama involved Son1, go figure...  He texted Friday to ask if we would be home (a bit unusual), and said he wanted to stop over and maybe stay over night (extremely unusual).  Turns out he had a big fight with his wife and needed some time away.  We didn't get many details, but he assured me everything was fine.  So, he stayed over, we had a nice visit, and then went to meet his wife for breakfast.  He texted he thinks they got things straightened out.  WHATEVER!  He's a grown up now, but they got married very young which is coming back to bite them now.  That's speculation on my part, since I don't know anything.  Anyway, they will figure it out... I guess.

Planning a trip

We got more snow last night.  Made for some messy driving, but I woke up to the sound of the snow plow this morning and looked outside to fairly clear skies.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Florida for next month. It will be our 25th anniversary trip.  It feels like a big milestone to me as a wife and also a parent.  We've had our share of rough times, but also a wealth of happiness.  Sometimes its hard to see the good in a situation, and tough to handle the challenges. Someone told me once (at work) when I was fussing and worrying over a project, to take one thing at a time, and really think through it.  What's the worst that could happen?  What would you do about it, really (besides worry)?  So, at work anyway, that helped to overcome a lot of apprehension.  At home, though, you can't always plan for everything. But having lived through some of the bad times, gives me more confidence going forward.  I can get through this.  And I still try to plan for everything.

Which leads me to my next point.  I could never have gone on a trip like this two years ago and leave Son2.  I think he will be ok though, and if he's not, then we'll (he will) have to deal with it.  So, I will go on our trip, celebrate our married life together and give myself a break.

Hoping for a lot of sunshine...

First post of the new year...

well, here goes...

I was in a text conversation yesterday with Son2, and he said he was feeling down because a friend was having a hard time and couldn't stay clean.  This is just one of many little curves he will have to figure out how to deal with without heroin.  Every time something, anything, comes along to challenge him, I worry if it will be the thing that triggers a relapse.  I know it's up to him and it's out of my control, and I hope he has the strength, the support and the tools to deal with whatever life throws at him.  But it's very difficult for me.  I can't just sit back and do nothing, I can't help feeling like I should do something, and what?

I managed to get to the point where I could turn Son1's own life over to him.  I'm hoping I can get there some day for Son2, although it seems so much more difficult because of his addiction.  What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother do I want to be?  What is my role to my kids now that they are adults?

Son2 has started weaning off his medication (Suboxone).  It will take another year probably to taper down to nothing.  That is something else I worry about.  He made the decision alone with his doctor, without even talking to us first, which I think is good.

So, that is what 2011 looks like for me.  I want to learn this year, how to deal with all of this.  "Let go...",   "Detach with love", the Serenity Prayer, Acceptance... etc, etc, etc.   How can I live all of these things and still provide parental support?  Still be "Mom"?   That's what I hope to figure out.