well, here goes...
I was in a text conversation yesterday with Son2, and he said he was feeling down because a friend was having a hard time and couldn't stay clean. This is just one of many little curves he will have to figure out how to deal with without heroin. Every time something, anything, comes along to challenge him, I worry if it will be the thing that triggers a relapse. I know it's up to him and it's out of my control, and I hope he has the strength, the support and the tools to deal with whatever life throws at him. But it's very difficult for me. I can't just sit back and do nothing, I can't help feeling like I should do something, and what?
I managed to get to the point where I could turn Son1's own life over to him. I'm hoping I can get there some day for Son2, although it seems so much more difficult because of his addiction. What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother do I want to be? What is my role to my kids now that they are adults?
Son2 has started weaning off his medication (Suboxone). It will take another year probably to taper down to nothing. That is something else I worry about. He made the decision alone with his doctor, without even talking to us first, which I think is good.
So, that is what 2011 looks like for me. I want to learn this year, how to deal with all of this. "Let go...", "Detach with love", the Serenity Prayer, Acceptance... etc, etc, etc. How can I live all of these things and still provide parental support? Still be "Mom"? That's what I hope to figure out.