tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57726328382106995632023-11-16T13:06:39.243-06:00My son is an addictIn the Fall of 2008 my son admitted he was a heroin addict. This is my storyMommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-40991954695419595192014-02-06T15:25:00.000-06:002014-02-06T15:25:33.476-06:00Death of Philip Seymour HoffmanI was saddened to learn of the death of PSH. Yes, it is very tragic. Yes, I wish that heroin use and overdose deaths of regular people would get this much attention. Our kids, our neighbors, our loved ones, our friends... It would be great if we could all speak up and say, yes this happened to someone I loved, I knew him/her, I knew his/her parents....<br />
<br />
I am getting to the age where I read the local obits. Every time I see a young person around my sons ages that "died suddenly" or "unexpectedly" I wonder if it was an overdose. According to my brother, a local law enforcement officer, it happens often. I don't know that I've ever seen any mention of drugs or addiction in an obituary. There is so much shame attached. <br />
<br />
Tragic and sad yes, but it seems a much respected actor's death of an (apparent) heroin overdose has caused a lot of discussion of addiction this week. The messages I'm starting to hear are 1) this happens, it can happen to anyone, young, middle-aged, old, rich, poor, famous or unknown and 2) addiction is a disease that has to be fought, not only by the addict, but by those around him/her and 3) we can be open with each other and hopefully gain support for the addicts in our lives, and ourselves.<br />
<br />
I hope the discussion continues.<br />
<br />
Peace.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-76792271699762838512014-01-02T15:11:00.000-06:002014-01-02T15:11:09.129-06:00A New YearI have many things to look forward to this coming year...<br />
<br />
Hopefully a new job. I have been job hunting, although not much happening over the holidays. It's weird being unemployed, but restful. It's only January, and I am already sick of this winter. I have been stuck inside a lot, don't want to spend money, and of course I'm not leaving the house for a job. Did I mention that it's been very cold here? yeah, like 11 degrees today, and single digits several days over the past week. We're expecting below zero temps this weekend. ok, sorry that went from looking for a job to some whining about the winter.<br />
<br />
Assuming I start a new job in the next month or so, we want to go back down to Florida yet this winter for a week or so. <br />
<br />
Son2 will hopefully be starting a new job next week. That will be so great for them, they really need to get a better car. He had a car accident with the icy/wintry roads yesterday. The car was totaled and so now they need to get something to drive before he starts his new job. His wife, C and their new dog were in the car, I'm just glad no one was hurt. Life is not easy for those two, but all in all, they are happy and I'm anxious to meet the new puppy.<br />
<br />
Son1 and his wife just told us they are expecting, but sshhhhhhhh, it's a secret from the rest of the family for a couple months since she is not very far along. I am so excited!!!!!<br />
<br />
I leave you with this pic, taken on a warm day last week after cross country skiing. It's been a lot colder since ;)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3lQuNUT-qkjQzjFMXzdaD5WYte9_JVdboCHETXrBFQHW2frDWJILurJC5QOL5i0PkBsB2dN3gcaJ8x1rVMMjGJwma2OdxcBrfmcLOspAmc_jIQ96uPvQq3qF5Aiwd3IBcWdEPLmMvQr8/s1600/2013-12-28+14.16.38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3lQuNUT-qkjQzjFMXzdaD5WYte9_JVdboCHETXrBFQHW2frDWJILurJC5QOL5i0PkBsB2dN3gcaJ8x1rVMMjGJwma2OdxcBrfmcLOspAmc_jIQ96uPvQq3qF5Aiwd3IBcWdEPLmMvQr8/s320/2013-12-28+14.16.38.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-81863078803259787302013-12-19T10:28:00.000-06:002013-12-19T10:28:35.964-06:00Birthday boyLast week was Son2's 24th birthday. Yes, he is 24. We were invited over to their apartment for his birthday party with his friends. We picked up Son1 and he went with us. <br />
<br />
As is in recent history, it was all done in Son2's way. His friends are not mainstream, certainly not preppy, a mix of what some call hippy, edgy, punk and working class. He did not provide alcohol, guests brought their own, but I didn't see hardly any, except the six that his dad brought. C had spent hours cleaning the apartment, the first floor of an old craftsman style house. She made food, and I brought food as well. The have old furniture, couch covered with graffiti, a mix of edgy art on the walls, some his some hers. They have really made the place their own. Some people were there that came to the wedding, so we got reacquainted. We were the only older folks, but everyone seemed comfortable, and Son2 wanted us there. No drugs, no pot, little alcohol. The only thing was that most everyone smoked, so the place really reeked. He even had a small punk band playing in the basement, we left soon after (ha-ha, a little loud).<br />
<br />
5 years ago I could never have conceived of this birthday, 24 years old, a college graduate and a wife. A mohawk, piercings, tattoos, combat boots... living on his own, getting a job, getting parts and fixing C's car himself, troubleshooting his problems, figuring out how to live. They are struggling financially, but keeping their heads above water. <br />
<br />
Is he totally independent? Almost. We still pay car insurance and cell phone. I just gave him some cash to buy a car battery, but haven't given him rent money in about 6 months. He is about to start a new job and then they want to start paying their own insurance. C is fiercely independent.<br />
<br />
A couple years ago, Son2 and I had a conversation about forgiveness. I'm not sure if I got my point across, but I tried to tell him that saying he was sorry was not enough, and it wasn't going to happen all at once, but over time. How he lived his life was the key. I wanted to see him happy, healthy, and self sufficient. And yes, time heals all wounds.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-21301599816513100222013-11-29T16:57:00.002-06:002013-11-29T17:02:55.560-06:005 yearsWell, 5 years ago on Thanksgiving Day, Son2 told us he was addicted to heroin. I thought of that a couple of times last week, and just remembered it today.... but yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, I did not think of it at all, not even once. <br />
<br />
Isn't that wonderful?<br />
<br />
Lots to be thankful for...<br />
<br />
Peace.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-50380866879300141472013-11-15T15:09:00.001-06:002013-11-15T15:09:07.526-06:00Update on me...I've been unemployed now for a little more than a month. It was weird at first, then we spent 10 days in Florida which was great. I've interviewed for one job, applied for another, and have a couple more that I am considering going after. I don't know if I'm completely ready to go back to work, but I could if I had to now. I'm starting to feel better, I am starting to recover from the burn out.<br />
<br />
So, this week I decided it was time to tackle Son2's room. We've talked about it since he got married, and I got his agreement that it had to happen, couldn't avoid it forever, I mean we can't leave it shut off from the rest of the house indefinitely. For a long time, years, Son2 didn't want me to touch it, and in fact he would still sleep there when he came home. He and his ex (K) used to sleep in there together when they visited. But since he has been with C, he hasn't, they haven't. So, I figured he was ready to let go. I haven't done very much so far, picked up obvious trash, and picked up and sorted (and washed) clothing. That in itself, took several hours. It's dirty, stuff written on the walls, trash, etc all over, even food and half bottles of soda. Disgusting? Well, yes. For those of you with teens or 20-somethings, I'm sure some of you can relate. I found empty prescription bottles, some with names of friends, one with my name, and one for the dog.... that was sad. I knew it would be hard, but was still taken surprise by the feelings and the memories. That was Monday, I think, and I haven't been back to it since. Maybe today or tomorrow. I know there are other things in there I don't want to see... not only reminders of the drug use, but childhood stuffed animals, favorite hat, track and soccer gear, downhill ski equipment, sketch books, etc. Reminders of things he used to love, but has since moved away from.<br />
<br />
So, why on earth aren't you making him do this himself, you ask? Well, I could. I have tried. For one thing, he is rarely here anymore, he has moved out and moved on. Also, I kind of think it is therapeutic for me, a review I guess, a goodbye. Does that make sense? I plan on boxing up all his stuff for him to go through, stashing it all in the closet for now, clean, paint, and turn it into a craft/music/guest room. I know it meant a lot to him at the time to have a place he could call his own and he didn't have to share with his brother. H says be sure to take pics of the "before" room. <br />
<br />
Otherwise, it's been kind of quiet around the house. I have a few other little house-cleaning projects that I've started. Been spending some time job hunting, walking, resting, and I have to admit to watching a lot of TV. I do feel rested now, for the first time in a long time.<br />
<br />
In my previous post I said I would post about H's drinking, but I'm not really ready for that yet. I will say he is a social drinker, and he's very sociable. When H is "emotionally challenged", he drinks more. After his parents passed away he drank a lot for a few months. When I said I was leaving my job, he got stressed out and was drinking a lot. What is "a lot"? Well, more than usual. He seems to have calmed down in the last few weeks. I will be posting more about this in a future post.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-89983850110031148802013-10-16T12:05:00.001-05:002013-10-16T12:05:21.389-05:00Time for a changeI did something radical. I quit my job, I took early retirement. Too much pressure, and I was just plain burned out. With both sons out of the house, out of college and married, seemed like a good time. It was time... it was time...<br />
<br />
But, I feel guilty. H, my husband, is not happy about this. He is very worried about our finances. Not only does he think I need to work for a few more years, but he thinks I need to continue to make the kind of money I was making. <br />
<br />
Well, the truth is, I don't know what I want to do. But, I do know what I don't want to do. I don't want to go back to the kind of job I had. I am afraid that the kind of things I'm good at, are the very things I don't want to do, the stuff that burned me out. Somehow, I have to figure out how to turn my skills into something I will enjoy doing, when all I am is tired of it all. I need some time to think, which is what I'm trying to do this week. Self evaluation, examination, quiet time, and rest, you know? But, I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now from H. <br />
<br />
Some of the things that I am thinking about are these<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I don't really enjoy any hobbies anymore</li>
<li>It feels like H has been driving my life. For example, our social life is mostly about him, his friends, his hobbies. Lucky I like many of the same things he does, right?</li>
<li>My only friends are from my job, yeah, the job I just quit</li>
<li>I am pretty wishy washy. It's easier to let H be the driver, than to drive myself</li>
<li>What does all of this have to do with my son's addiction? Contributed to the burn out, yes. Also, since he is doing well and standing on his own two feet, I don't have to focus so much on him. It's been 5 years since he announced his addiction, time to move on, I guess.</li>
<li>I think H is drinking too much. There, I said it. That will be the subject of a post in the very near future.</li>
</ul>
<br />
I know I have options: working part time, finding a more meaningful job, etc, etc, etc. There are always options. Just have to figure out what all they are.<br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-39515228575112789612013-08-05T11:17:00.000-05:002013-08-05T11:17:27.956-05:00A Joyful DaySon2 is now a married man. It was an amazing day, a day of joy for them and for our family and friends.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlYKHTiRsqHUxfGZR30dBOFYQrXocY9vzTdQzgzAqhJE_NxaIhIKtLiHC5-jwxgwN0BrPz_NpAmv7TkOzHfjGrlbWAzywOHtEOahcg4vpHi52FqUWXbGFSHDg85uROludARRvQFZgqQKE/s1600/IMG_2019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlYKHTiRsqHUxfGZR30dBOFYQrXocY9vzTdQzgzAqhJE_NxaIhIKtLiHC5-jwxgwN0BrPz_NpAmv7TkOzHfjGrlbWAzywOHtEOahcg4vpHi52FqUWXbGFSHDg85uROludARRvQFZgqQKE/s320/IMG_2019.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Son2 and his bride, C</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I am so thankful, for all he has overcome, to see him so happy, and for a wonderful new addition to our family.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-27890881041624635862013-07-21T09:59:00.000-05:002013-07-21T10:07:52.987-05:00summer newsWe have a wedding coming up very soon! About a month ago, Son2 said they were changing the date of the wedding, and wanted to get married this August, at our house. It is supposed to be very small and very casual. So, now it is two weeks away, and although it is small, there are still of things to arrange. I am helping as much as I can, and although it is stressful, it is fun and exciting. It will be very non-traditional, and Son2 says the mohawk is coming back for the occasion. The bride and groom will be all decked out in full punk attire. My husband and I will be getting in the spirit by getting temporary tattoos.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We spent the 4th of July holiday at our place in Florida. It was hot of course, but fun and a nice little getaway. My sister-in-law, M from California, met us there for a visit. Hadn't seen her for three years, and although Son2 had told her about his addiction back then, I don't know what he told her exactly, and H and I didn't talk to her in great detail about it back then. Anyway, we were having a nice visit, catching up on our lives, etc. H mentioned some hobby that he kind of lost interest in, around the time of active addiction, and how difficult those times had been. M's reaction bothered me. She said that was over, and isn't everything ok now? Good for H, he told her that we would never "get over" that. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Interesting, isn't it? For all the moving forward our family has done, that episode of our lives still lingers. Son2 has come such a long way, treatment, counseling, graduating from college, and now getting married. But, if anyone thinks we can forget what happened, they are nuts. We are all different people now. Growing in different directions than we were before.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last week we had to put our little weiner dog down. She was very sick, 12 years old, had a good life. It was surprising to me how sad that made me. The house is not the same without her.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So that's my summer. I'm very excited about the wedding. It's going to be great!</div>
Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-5913770709964247232013-06-08T08:18:00.000-05:002013-06-08T08:18:25.335-05:00Sharing the milestoneA couple of weeks ago, Son2 graduated from college. He achieved a BFA in the Peck School of the Arts from UW-Milwaukee. That Saturday we attended the Senior Art Show and then the PSOA Convocation. Then Sunday we hosted a party at our house.<br />
<br />
I didn't share this right away, I guess I wanted to hold on and savor this as long as possible.<br />
<br />
That's Son2 below, far left. Next to him, his NA sponsor, and two of his sponsee brothers, and the baby daughter of blue shirt.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh16wWw_ZwoGH6-B6xsUE0ECembofPpicSEYf83YISC4ZUzVnoY1iSY_eHPIRDdtco96JhVCaF3U53pXy-DqZgEG8O-uh8Bb3TpEGF3RYJDxCTHPBOG292rdOBLZhJwQJyc0cFI2-QHyIc/s1600/2013-05-18+17.34.12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh16wWw_ZwoGH6-B6xsUE0ECembofPpicSEYf83YISC4ZUzVnoY1iSY_eHPIRDdtco96JhVCaF3U53pXy-DqZgEG8O-uh8Bb3TpEGF3RYJDxCTHPBOG292rdOBLZhJwQJyc0cFI2-QHyIc/s320/2013-05-18+17.34.12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
And this is his senior capstone project from the show. It is a collection of prints that reflect his journey over the last few years, through addiction, recovery and artistic growth. He gave us a copy, a gift to us for graduation.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dg5XprQwFa0siHDNnqemImhOYGb2eSolITTY4Rzu8p7iT6Z2JTWTxzOPi5G_7vyB1vMlEaXEA7qVgXld-YIeaF3Y1EexuEWVaaKYw_mdQr0AM0YTR8doN9VSxzb_de6OEffcpRvWjsE/s1600/2013-05-18+17.59.24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-dg5XprQwFa0siHDNnqemImhOYGb2eSolITTY4Rzu8p7iT6Z2JTWTxzOPi5G_7vyB1vMlEaXEA7qVgXld-YIeaF3Y1EexuEWVaaKYw_mdQr0AM0YTR8doN9VSxzb_de6OEffcpRvWjsE/s320/2013-05-18+17.59.24.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Life moves on. We spent a few days in Florida, Son2 is looking for a full time job, summer is here, busy at work.<br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-19255579849073336572013-05-12T09:13:00.000-05:002013-05-12T09:13:38.251-05:00This is Mother's DayOn this Mother's Day I have something to say to families struggling with Addiction: <br />
<br />
My son is graduating from college. His first semester in college, he dove deep into heroin addiction. It was a horrible experience, and I won't go into all the details now. Five years of college, and he pulled himself together and is now graduating.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying this to brag, to throw this in your face, or make any of you feel bad. I'm tell you this, to let you know there is hope. Everyone has a different story, every one of us has felt pain, and many continue to struggle. So, I'm not going to blab on and on about how life is grand. <br />
<br />
Just know, there is hope. Don't give up.<br />
<br />
And to all you mothers... Happy Mother's Day. Your kids love you.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-85871154845126071062013-05-07T06:37:00.000-05:002013-05-07T06:37:34.164-05:00it's finally springI am pleased that spring has finally come to Wisconsin.<br />
<br />
I am so excited to say that Son2 is graduating from college in a couple of weeks!<br />
<br />
I don't know what the future will bring for him. I don't want to look back at all the crap that happened, I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to think about other "stuff" going on in my life right now, I just want to be happy.<br />
<br />
Congratulations to my son. I am so proud of him.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-75972899680428328222013-03-06T20:11:00.001-06:002013-03-06T20:11:38.921-06:00Where I want to be...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd5OQDem6xRjx09MU7dXQ6S0kmiWJFy83CgLh7MdpK-11uDyy_HUErJ3x72jPyQQJx2AKl1ZB2VdTQBtW_96CTt5F77YTZYqEODqQ_2fJ5WOV-5lf25CQsxHSZCpzZOmKfKrmqlkVbF5o/s1600/IMG_0110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd5OQDem6xRjx09MU7dXQ6S0kmiWJFy83CgLh7MdpK-11uDyy_HUErJ3x72jPyQQJx2AKl1ZB2VdTQBtW_96CTt5F77YTZYqEODqQ_2fJ5WOV-5lf25CQsxHSZCpzZOmKfKrmqlkVbF5o/s320/IMG_0110.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This is where I want to be... Florida. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But where I am is Wisconsin, big snowstorm yesterday, roads were a mess, a foot of snow in the driveway when we got home from work, and now today, piles as tall as me along the side....</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I am really sick of winter. I think a lot of us are here. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
A couple more weeks and my husband I will be down in Florida for vacation. I can hardly wait. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
On a side note, we saw Son2 and his fiance at my cousin's wedding last weekend. It was nice to see her again, starting to get to know her. It's good.</div>
Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-40700808385317477032013-02-08T08:57:00.000-06:002013-02-08T08:57:43.801-06:00Didn't see that coming...Just when I think there are no more surprises, Son2 comes up with another one... keep reading, it's not what you think...<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So he texted me a couple days ago and wanted to know if we were home from work, sounding like he wanted to talk. In my mind, red alerts are going off, but I talked to him and he seemed fine, although a little mysterious. At first I was afraid he was going to say he was using again, maybe some day that will NOT be the first thought in my head... Anyway, he wanted to get together so we could meet his new girlfriend. Yeah, ok, we hadn't met her yet, he talks about her a lot, even though they've only been going out for about a month.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last night, we meet for dinner, met his new girlfriend, C. She seems very nice, quiet, pretty, kind of artistic and "punk" like him. We had dinner, talked, she is an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant, works a lot of hours, seems ok, from what I could tell. So, then Son2 says they are engaged and they want to get married next year.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. I don't even know what to say, we just met her, I wish I knew her better, because I don't even know what to think. We of course, gave our congratulations, lots of hugs and kisses and plans to meet family, etc. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He seems happy, he seems sure. But I can't help but think of the other times he was head over heels in love, and then everything fell apart. I do not want to see that again. But, I will wipe that doubt off of my face, and be happy for them. He is older, wiser, and more mature. He is making this choice.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I wish them all of my best wishes and happiness. And, I welcome her to our family with open arms. HIGH HOPES, that what I have. And, remember, he is very happy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Looks like I will have a new daughter-in-law! Very exciting!</div>
Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-35393688976249186182013-02-03T09:54:00.000-06:002013-02-03T09:54:39.740-06:00Starting to feel better...I haven't been blogging as often as I used to. I try to keep up and read some of my favorites, but don't post often. I guess I'm not sure what to write, not sure what my blog is about anymore. This post, I guess is about me, not my son.<br />
<br />
This winter has been tough on me. Today is cold, but at least it's sunny. I have had a low level virus of some kind since the holidays, and on top of that, I'm not happy at my job. The stress weighs heavy on me, aches and pains, headaches, nausea on and off, lethargic. ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.<br />
<br />
You know it's easy to see what to do when it's someone else, things make so much more sense when you're looking from a distance. I think I have finally decided what action to take. I'm going to try to transfer to another department at work. I've been in the same area for 15 years, and I'm burned out. Time for a change. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But it took me a long time to get to that. Being miserable is comfortable in a weird way, it's a Known state. Making a big change is Unknown, and that's scary.<br />
<br />
BTW, I do believe that the addiction experience contributed to my burnout, even though the thick of it occurred a few years ago. <br />
<br />
Another of my husband's friends passed away this past week. I'd already made up my mind, but thinking about that, really cemented my decision. The guy was in his mid 60's, not yet retired, and wasn't really sick. It was unexpected. This is the 4th friend that my husband has lost in the past year, all somewhere in their 60's. All guys who didn't get to enjoy their retirement, enjoy their grandchildren, even watch their children get married.<br />
<br />
Life is too short and full of uncertainty. I do not want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. I don't want to dread going to work. I don't want my job to take over my life. I want to go home every night and leave work behind. I want to enjoy hobbies, I want to take care of my body and my soul, and I want to enjoy my family. You know what I really want? I want to retire. Kind of drastic though, maybe just a change first.<br />
<br />
So, I'll make a change, go for it, right? Take control of my life, can't rely on others to do that. Can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results, right? Like I said, sounds so much easier when you're talking about someone else.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-91849496229472690712013-01-13T13:21:00.000-06:002013-01-13T13:21:56.571-06:00Happy guy<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdgPfjRXrGPWbwomjFGF3bKC6pdCAwhmctk6WQsvS5FvkA5yX3PXuCgf8Msh6zcQ19TfoOn_b3iOX7wMNmZx-jLYLEZI8GLbqSZ61yFTifOBYuNBARQLfYnD6LNPL2kK_N7PIRkCPle7s/s1600/IMG_1499.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdgPfjRXrGPWbwomjFGF3bKC6pdCAwhmctk6WQsvS5FvkA5yX3PXuCgf8Msh6zcQ19TfoOn_b3iOX7wMNmZx-jLYLEZI8GLbqSZ61yFTifOBYuNBARQLfYnD6LNPL2kK_N7PIRkCPle7s/s320/IMG_1499.JPG" width="301" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Son2 opening Christmas gifts</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
We talked to Son2 yesterday. He was in a good mood. He started dating someone and was telling us about her. He also was happy about his band's show on New Year's Eve. He also says his Winterim course is going well. So... life is good.<br />
<br />
Pretty soon he will start his spring semester, and it sounds like it will be very busy. Since he's hoping to graduate in May, he is taking a full load, planning to continue to work, and I believe he also has to hold a senior art exhibition and I'm sure he wants to continue with his band. It's all very exciting, but I'm a little apprehensive about it all. It's a lot, and although he's been doing well, I really don't know where his breaking point is. <br />
<br />
After all we've been through, I still worry. I don't know if I will ever get past the fear of relapse. <br />
<br />
I think I have a reputation at work of being a glass half empty sort of person. Ok, so I've been in the dept for 15 years, and I think I'm just being realistic and honest, but I guess sometimes it comes off as being a pessamist. Maybe I focus on the negative a little too much. I also think my experience with Addiction in the family has changed my perspective.<br />
<br />
Today, though I'm glad Son2 is happy. He looks happy, doesn't he?Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-82203687562242404762012-12-31T14:33:00.000-06:002012-12-31T14:33:22.864-06:00Another December, Another year....Son2 had a birthday a couple weeks ago, he is 23 now. We didn't see him for his birthday, which was a little weird, because of finals. But if all goes well, this will be the last year finals will get in the way of his birthday. He is hoping to graduate in May. I am hopefully optimistic about this, and as some of you know, he's come a long way. It feels good to be looking forward to college graduation.<br />
<br />
Christmas is over and lots of time with family. The weeks before Christmas were hectic and I have to say I was relieved when all of that was over. I've been off work since and it felt pretty good to relax and not do much, low stress... Son2 was here for a few days, hung out and slept a lot. He also went to speak at his outpatient group. He keeps in touch with his drug counselor, and comes back to speak every once in a while. It is a good thing.<br />
<br />
Son2's punk band has their first paying gig tonight, New Year's Eve. He is pretty excited and it's nice to see him so involved, having friends, being organized, having success in what he does.<br />
<br />
I had kind of a rough year at work. I was promoted about a year and a half ago, and after this past year, I was seriously thinking that was a mistake. The stress and workload was immense (to me), and I wanted out. I guess I don't handle stress well. I was on a project that took a big toll on me, and I guess I just burned out. So... anyway, can't figure out what to do. I am in my 50's and the thought of looking for a new job scares the crap out of me. I can't retire yet either, financially not a good idea. I started high blood pressure meds last summer, doctor said do what I can about reducing stress. I will be working in a little different area after New Year's, so we'll see how that goes.<br />
<br />
All of this has been rolling around in my head while I've been home the last few days. Today, I ran across this quote, and it gave me a lift. <br />
<br />
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." --Eleanor Roosevelt<br />
<br />
Happy New Year to all, bring on 2013!!Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-76498274095229399702012-11-22T09:43:00.000-06:002012-11-22T09:43:02.527-06:00IS or WAS?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpOAvng_GPssFPAYnC_S96m-pg3pgxzB0NI-GObYjEoKCgxK3er218B1J5oOFCJWvIO5dmv-LB2dNCy3Wom_FWDtgCeD49me0whneb8S4dh-xsVMSbA8vU9xXPfI9rIoLunWiPkKwaARI/s1600/2012-09-07+20.03.39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpOAvng_GPssFPAYnC_S96m-pg3pgxzB0NI-GObYjEoKCgxK3er218B1J5oOFCJWvIO5dmv-LB2dNCy3Wom_FWDtgCeD49me0whneb8S4dh-xsVMSbA8vU9xXPfI9rIoLunWiPkKwaARI/s320/2012-09-07+20.03.39.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Son1, Husband, Son2... showing their toughness</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A couple of days ago before work I was doing a flyover on POA blogs, starting with my own. I jumped to Ron's blog and clicked on his link where he had recently written an article.<br />
<br />
http://www.myaddiction.com/share/drugs/my-son-was-an-addict<br />
<br />
As I was getting ready to close out and go to work, I noticed something curious. With the two tabs open in my browser, the tab for my blog said "My son is an Addict", and the other one from Ron's article said "My son was an Addict". Both of our sons, about the same age, clean and sober for a couple years or so... what does that mean?<br />
<br />
My Son2 says he IS an addict, in the present tense. My interpretation of that is that, even though he is sober, he fights for it every day. For me, I am afraid to put it in the past tense, afraid to think that it is really over. Don't get me wrong, my son is doing well and I am so proud of him. I guess I have a lot to think about. Maybe you will see some changes on my blog soon. BTW, I would love to hear what Ron thinks about this.<br />
<br />
It's hard to move forward from the past sometimes for me. FOUR years ago today, our Son2 came to us with his heroin addiction. He's home now actually, for Thanksgiving, just like he was then. Every Thanksgiving since then, I've brought it up with family members, to mark the day and be thankful for how far we've all come. I don't know if I will this year, maybe I should leave it behind this time. But, I will still be thinking of it. Yesterday, I had a text exchange with K, Son2's former girlfriend. We are still in touch... it's hard to let go of that too. I told her how thankful I was she was there to share those years with us, and to be part of our family during that time. She said she would make all the same choices again... and that she has seen Son2 grow and change and can't see him ever going back. Time for all of us to move on I guess.<br />
<br />
So, I give thanks today ...<br />
<br />
Happy Thanksgiving to all.<br />
<br />
Peace.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-18160269295601991812012-09-15T12:08:00.000-05:002012-09-15T12:08:25.728-05:00Being Sober...A couple of things have come up on other blogs that I wanted to write about...<br />
<br />
Can an addict use "just a little" bit and maintain sobriety?<br />
Personally, I don't think so. Either you are sober or you aren't. If you think you can still use while you are in recovery, you are just kidding yourself. As a parent, don't believe it.<br />
<br />
Can being sober be "fun"?<br />
Well, of course. That's easy to say now. I went through a time when Son2 was fairly new into recovery and I thought he had to be a saint. I didn't want him to go out, or do anything "fun" . After all, wasn't that how he got into trouble in the first place, trying to have too much fun? But after a while I did realize, with his help, he was still young, and still needed to live his life, making whatever mistakes he would make, experiencing joy and sadness, just like everyone else. He has started a punk band with his friends, goes out, and does a lot of stuff that other guys his age do. He is not a saint, but he is clean and sober as far as I know. It's possible. Do I like it? Well, I still worry the way he lives his life, the temptations, etc. But then, it's not my life, it's his.<br />
<br />
Regrets?<br />
I still think about being a "bad mother" back then, and now. It's hard not to feel responsible for my Son2's problems in some way. I've blogged about this more than once, and I still struggle with this. There was a few things that happened that I always will wonder about, if they had an influence on his choices. My husband's parents fell ill and passed away when Son2 was preschool age. Of course a lot of our focus was on them, and I always felt bad about that. When Son2 was about 14, his older brother decided to get married at 19. I was pretty upset that he was marrying so young, and again, much of my focus was on that situation. I did the best I could, I really think so. It looks a little different now that I look back after 3-4 years. Not so emotional as back then. I think all of us POA's have done the best we could, at the time, in the situation and circumstances we were in and what we knew at the time. <br />
<br />
Looking ahead<br />
Son2 just told me that he talked to his advisor and he thinks he will graduate in the spring. OMG! Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-33135781141589137222012-08-21T20:13:00.002-05:002012-08-21T20:13:15.751-05:003 yearsSon2 called me last night, just as I was falling asleep. It surprised me a little, and annoyed me too, I was tired. I'm not used to being in daily contact with him anymore and didn't really expect even a text, say nothing of a call. He called to tell me he had just gotten out of a meeting. That's nice, honey, was it good? I got my 3 year coin. WHAT? wait, what? what is today? oh my gosh, August 20. <br />
<br />
He was laughing, and I said I was so sorry that I forgot the date. He said he was hurt at first, but wait, wasn't that a good thing? We talked about it for a while, and I said I never thought I would have forgotten that date. I was remembering those days where addiction occupied my every thought. Daily worry, phone calls, texts, sleepless nights. All of you POA's know what I'm talking about. Even after he was clean and sober, there was still worry, then relapse, and more worry. I thought it would never end.<br />
<br />
This past year, finally, I am able to think of other things: my stupid job, vacations, my parents, other family drama, etc. Son2 has become so independent, really created some distance, doing his own thing. I look ahead, and actually see him finishing college, something I didn't dare think about 2 years ago.<br />
<br />
He said to me, to both his father and I, that he couldn't have done it without us. That touched my heart. But really, he did it. And he continues to do it, every single day.<br />
<br />
I haven't been posting too often, but I do try to get out and read blogs, although not as often as I used to. I feel the pain of those POA's that are dealing with active addiction. I don't have any thing really deep to say, except I somehow got through it. Everybody seems to deal with it differently, and what works for one, may not work for another. Am I any wiser for the experience? I don't really know, I'd like to think so. It's changed me that's for sure.<br />
<br />
Take care of yourself, that is one important lesson I learned. <br />
<br />
Peace.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-2105209080422777542012-07-08T13:25:00.003-05:002012-07-08T13:25:46.336-05:00Checking in after a Long BreakI don't know why I didn't post for so long.... I wasn't reading much either... I guess I just needed a break. Much has happened.... you know, life goes on.<br />
<br />
First of all, Son2 is fine. He and K broke up for good, they both now have found separate apartments and seem to be doing fine. I don't think they have any contact with each other right now, maybe for the best. I miss that girl a lot. We are trying to stay in touch, hope we can keep that up.<br />
<br />
Son2 is living in what he describes as a crappy apartment, with a roommate who was a childhood friend. I haven't seen this apt yet. Don't get me wrong, neither one of these guys is perfect, but although D, the roommate, drinks (like many Wisconsin college students), he does not do drugs, and he knows all too well Son2's history and has said he will not tolerate any of that. Son2 has been his designated driver a few times. I think they will look out for each other a bit. Son2 is sober as far as I know, does not drink either. He still likes guns, and has a buddy that he likes to target shoot with, and also play Airsoft with. This buddy is also an artist (photographer) so they have a lot in common. Son2 is also trying to start a punk band with his roommate and a couple of other guys. Not the sort of thing I would recommend for a recovering addict, but it keeps him busy, and it's his choice.<br />
<br />
Son2 is becoming more and more independent. He is working as many hours as he can get this summer. We still pay his rent, but he is covering most of his other expenses. He doesn't come home every week anymore, and that is weird. He has his own life, he is doing his own thing. I didn't know if I would ever get to this point, but I finally can say I do not worry for him constantly anymore. In fact I don't text him every single day anymore either. He is not living the life I ever imagined he would, but he is living his own life. We were out of town the weekend he moved, so he managed all of that without us, with a few of his friends to help. One thing I asked him to do for us is figure out this summer is how many more semesters of college he has left. I'm thinking 2 or maybe 3.<br />
<br />
So then, what about me? My job sucks still, having trouble handling the stress. A couple of friends of ours passed away this spring, and my daughter-in-law's mother was just diagnosed with Lymphoma. Add a couple of annoying health issues of my own, and yeah... life goes on... with or without addiction in it. I'm trying to focus on what I think is important in life, but it's not always easy to be positive. We have so much to be thankful for though, my kids are independent and happy, lots to look forward to.<br />
<br />
So, Life is good, some things that happen are good, and some things are bad. Life goes on...Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-66046946586035405412012-02-12T18:20:00.000-06:002012-02-12T18:20:03.971-06:00It's just life...I feel a little better. Truly... I'm glad to have these kinds of issues. Its just life, and I'm grateful that I have the luxury of complaining about myself. <br />
<br />
Son2 is doing fine. I am back to calling him Son2. I have been re-thinking calling him by name in my blog, since Barbara brought it up. I don't know, but I guess it would be prudent to go back to calling him Son2. <br />
<br />
I mean, he went on local tv, on camera, and gave his first and last name and said he was a recovering heroin addict, and he knows I blog about him, and he's ok with that.<br />
<br />
I used to keep the whole thing very secret. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt like we, our whole family, were scum, and didn't want anyone to find out. Drug addicts have such a bad rep, tv and celebs don't help. I came to accept Son2 has a disease, but so many others don't see it that way. I rejoice in his progress, I'm so proud of him for what he has done in recovery. But even his own family members, I won't say who, look down on him. <br />
<br />
After Son2 went on tv, I've talked about it with more people. A lot of people won't say anything, won't bring it up, ask how he's doing, or even ask how we're doing. My own extended family and friends, act like nothing happened, and I don't believe that none of them saw the piece on tv. Those that did talk to me about it after it aired, really touched my heart. So, I talk to people about it if they ask me about it, but I don't bring it up unless it comes up. <br />
<br />
Should I be able to talk about this freely as if my Son2 had any other disease? How he's doing, how the treatment is going, etc. But it's not that easy... it's not the same, is it?<br />
<br />
So, I guess on the blog, I will be a little more careful. Anonymous, seems like a little bit of a cop out, though, you know what I mean? I'm trying not to be ashamed, but that's something I still struggle with. So, what do I call it? shame? call it being careful? call it protecting our family's privacy?<br />
<br />
This is kind of a rambling post... but I'm really struggling with this idea. <br />
<br />
<br />Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-13264860593165792242012-02-06T18:17:00.001-06:002012-02-06T18:17:07.302-06:00What now.... ?Tony is doing ok, I guess. His relationship with K seems on and off, truly, I don't know for sure what is going on right now. She graduated, and will be going to grad school next fall. What will happen between them I don't know, and have kind of stopped trying to figure it out. <br />
<br />
Second semester is under way, he is taking a full class load and working weekends. He's still going to meetings and working the steps. He's done with his weekly After Care, so he doesn't come home Thursday nights anymore. I kind of miss that. We went to see him a couple of weeks ago to take him out for dinner and see how he was doing. The apartment was a pig stye but he seemed to be ok. It was all I could do not to start cleaning, but even he said, I am not responsible for that.<br />
<br />
As far as me, I don't know... I think I have the winter blues, or something. Plus I am feeling a lot of pressure at work. I'm on a big project and am performing a pretty important role. At least it feels important, and I am scared to screw up, thus the stress. New role, new boss, big project, it adds up to tension headaches, not sleeping well, shoulder and neck pain. Add on a few age related health issues, and I am not sitting in a very good place.<br />
<br />
How much do you think addiction has changed you? I mean has it changed the way you deal with life's difficulties? Right now, my sons are ok. Family is ok. So, why can't I relax? Why don't I feel better than this?Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-85681711842171527112012-01-09T19:56:00.001-06:002012-01-09T19:56:49.405-06:00I have to laugh a littleSo last week Tony was here, it was the middle of the night and something woke me up. I heard his bedroom door close and figured he couldn't sleep or just plain likes to stay up late. Then I got a whiff of something... Sulfuric... I have smelled this before a couple years back when a certain renter was living next door. My husband and I had always theorized it was meth. But I didn't think of that. Right away I lept to the conclusion that it was Tony. I lay in bed trying to decide how to confront him, feeling sick and sniffing the air to be sure of what I was smelling. I pondered if I should wake up my husband and then I heard something... Voices. At first I thought they were coming from Tony's room or that he was outside, but then I recognized the voices and the banter. Our neighbors and the former renter come to visit. "you suck" "no, you suck" "you really suck" "no, you really suck!" etc, etc, etc. You know the non-rational, inane arguments that drunk/high people have.
Of course, Tony was in bed, and if he was still awake, was probably greatly amused. H and I had a good chuckle in the morning, he had heard them too. I couldn't admit what I had been thinking... Sigh...
Two more things I have to mention. Tony got his grades, 3 A's and 2 B's. These are the best grades he has ever received. No dropped classes and a full load. He's got to be so proud of himself, I know we are. The other thing is that After Care is ending. He had been going once every couple weeks or so still, but they finally are cutting him loose. I guess it's time, I hate to think he was taking someone's spot who really needs the help. So that's one more thing to leave by the wayside, another safety net to put aside.
It makes me uneasy, but then, I'm not the one driving, am I?Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-38702676080536012062011-12-24T11:49:00.001-06:002011-12-24T11:49:49.345-06:00Peace.Merry Christmas to you and yours. My wish for you all is Serenity, Courage and Wisdom...<br />
<br />
and... I hope you can share this time with those you love.<br />
<br />
Peace.Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5772632838210699563.post-66054010737659903422011-12-11T09:37:00.001-06:002011-12-11T10:26:56.718-06:00My son is 22 today...Today is Tony's birthday, he is 22. We saw him yesterday and took him his gifts. He looks good, I guess. Different though. He was quiet. It's the end of the semester and he really has to focus for another couple of weeks, then he can relax. We also got to see K. She went out to lunch with us. I felt uncomfortable, it seemed awkward... didn't seem right to me. But, we let them lead the way, if they want to continue to be room mates, they will have to get along, and they seem to be. K was animated, excited about graduation (she will graduate with honors next week), and catching us up on all her news. She even engaged Tony in the conversation and it turned out to be a very nice visit. They were acting like good friends and room mates, not estranged lovers. If what we saw yesterday was really true, they have been one of the only couples I have ever known that could really go from being in a deeply involved relationship, to "just friends". She gave Tony a birthday present, and we are exchanging Christmas gifts with her and will include her in our holiday. Both of them are going to celebrate New Year's with us in Florida. We made sure it was ok with Tony, and were surprised when she accepted the invitation. <br />
<br />
So, I don't know for sure what is going on between them... it's none of my business, really. But I can speculate that neither one of them wants the other one out of their life. They've been through a lot together, and it's been quite a journey. They are tied to each other. I hope they will maintain this connection always, but of course I have a personal relationship with both of them, so that's selfish on my part.<br />
<br />
Where it gets weirder, is that Tony is interested in another girl and K knows it. I don't know very much about it except that he met her at work. I think he is trying to date her, but not sure he is being successful. I have no idea if she knows he's a recovering addict. I haven't had a chance to ask him about her, and frankly, I'm still dealing with the break up and I'm not ready for this.<br />
<br />
So, it continues to be a challenge to be Tony's mom. I have a few friends and acquaintances that are expecting and often those of us with older kids give advice. I don't even know what to say anymore, except kids will surprise you, and you can't plan out their lives, because they have their own minds. And you certainly can't control who they will love. Love your kids, and make sure they know it.<br />
<br />
BTW, Tony started up step work again. I think he is on Step 5 now... "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."<br />
<br />
And also, the high school principal got in touch with us. He had seen Tony's piece on tv and wanted to get in touch with him about coming and talking to a small group of students. Tony said he was interested but I don't know if they have arranged it yet. This will be hard for him. He doesn't have good memories of that place, but this could be a real opportunity to make a difference. At risk kids are a tough crowd, but it seems like someone who has been in their shoes may be able to get through. Ron: I would love to hear your thoughts...Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16608446475815606649noreply@blogger.com2