Saturday, July 30, 2011

Husbands will surprise you too

Yesterday I got an email from my husband while at work.  A co worker of his was bragging about not needing all of her pain medication after oral surgery.  H was very concerned about the leftovers, and was explaining to her that she should dispose of them properly so they would not fall into the wrong hands. He emailed to ask me where that drop off location was.

I haven't posted much about my husband.  He has his own way of dealing with our son's addiction and recovery.  He went to one or two Al-anon meetings with me a couple of years ago, will read a link to an interesting article or post if I send it to him.  I have books laying around on addiction and recovery, but I have never seen him even pick one up.

He will always listen when I talk, and will engage in discussion if I ask him what he thinks.  He is supportive to Tony, and has always been a wonderful father.  But,I get the impression he thinks he can get through this by himself, doesn't need any help...

So, just when I'm wondering if he really is listening, or will ever take a stand on this, he does this. He did his own little part to keep a narcotic off the street.  Guess he was paying attention.  :)

Friday, July 22, 2011

Feeling better...

Although he says he is not 100%, Tony says he is feeling much better.  Still having trouble sleeping, but even that is better, as well as the aches and pains and stomach trouble.

Spent some time with K this morning while Tony was in Group.  It's always good to get her perspective or interpretation of how things are going.  So, if I ask Tony about his mood, I always want to ask her too, since she is up close and personal.  Sounds better, but moods are still up and down.  Too bad she couldn't be with him for the worst of it, he had to spend one or two nights alone. But maybe that's ok, he fought that fight alone, and won the battle.  Gotta make him feel good about himself.

Monday, July 18, 2011


Tony has been off now since Wednesday, so, it's been 5 days.  My husband and I were gone for the weekend, which made me uncomfortable, but... Tony convinced me to go, and I realized he had to do this alone.  I was in touch by text, and I think the weekend was kind of rough.  I won't go into all the gory details, but it sounded like the flu, and he had a couple bad nights.  So yesterday, he texted me how he was feeling and I suggested maybe things were improving.  He said he was on the downhill... so it sounds like the worst is over.

So, there he is now, no more safety net, exposed and naked.  I will see him in a couple of days.  It's scary... for me... I am feeling uneasy... hopeful... but very uneasy.

And something else... I was in touch with K... who left Tony alone one of those bad nights... she said he was acting so lethargic, and I suppose he was crabby too and not feeling well.  She said it reminded her of how he was when he was using, and she found it very difficult to be around him.  I felt bad about that, how much she has been hurt in all of this.  I love her, and I know Tony does too.

He did have some medication to help with the symptoms.  One of the drugs is a narcotic.  I'm not sure whose idea it was, but K was in charge of that one.  She decided the when and where and the dose and sounded like she kept it in her possession.  I'm guessing that he was only prescribed enough to get through these symptoms and then that's done too.

So, I have time off this week, and I do so want to drive to see him, check up on him.  He will be here in a couple of days, so I suppose I can wait.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Cold turkey it is...

Tony (aka Son2) told us this week he has decided next Wednesday will be his last dose of Suboxone.  He talked to his doctor today, and has an appointment with him next Thursday where they will decide what medicine to use for the withdrawal symptoms.

From what I understand the worst of it should be over in a couple of weeks, but it's hard to say.  Everyone is different.  He wants to do it this summer, while he is not in school.

This was totally his decision.  Of course I'm concerned, I just was reading a blog about this very thing, and it doesn't sound fun, although it sounds much better than withdrawing from heroin.  The blog's author also said he didn't really feel normal for 3-4 months or so.

Normal.  What is that?  I'm not sure I know what that looks like.  Will he be happy?  Will he be depressed?  Will he use?  Will he drink? Will he be an asshole?  (excuse my language)

I'll be doing some more reading on this...

and he plans on staying in the apt with K during all of this, although I suggested that he come home for a few days if he wants to or needs to.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

we're out in the open, and life goes on...

The first part of this post is about Son2 (Tony) and his wean off of Suboxone.  He told me this week that at last week's dr appointment, they talked about how to handle the last part of the wean.  First choice is 6 more months of going down 1 mg at a time, it gets harder each month and he's gotta go through a few days of feeling sick each month, which he's already been doing.  Second choice is cold turkey, which at the point the doctor says, would be comparable to dragging it out for 6 months.  He said it's hard to say just how bad it would be or how long the symptoms would last.  Before I could even say anything, Tony said that the second option made him very uncomfortable.  No quick decision here, both options sound rough.  I can't even give him any advice on this one, except that the cold turkey also scares me.  Frankly, I'm scared to death of him going off at all, it feels like a safety net I'm afraid to cut away.  But it's not my decision, and he sounds like he is considering carefully.  It was his choice to to begin the wean in the first place, but of course I worry.

The second part of this post, is about reactions.  I really didn't know what to expect for reactions to Tony going on tv and announcing he is a recovering heroin addict.  Good thing I didn't have very long to worry about that.  I'll start with my own reaction.  I was quite disturbed about the way they opened the interview, with a shot of drug spoon, foil, syringe.  I realize that was an eye catcher for their audience, but to me it just felt like a shot to the gut. Tony was amazing, serious, clear eyed.  I was so proud of him.  I haven't been able to watch the video again, not ready for that. Some day I will.

I had let a few people know about the interview before hand so they could watch, but most of them knew about Tony's addiction already.

When I think about all the people we know in this area, it's staggering.  My husband grew up here, and has lots of friends, lots of hobbies and avenues for contacts in various ways, work, school, etc.  We've lived here together for 25 years, so I have a lot of contacts through work, etc. as well.  Plus, I have quite a bit of family up here, aunts and uncles, and lots and lots of cousins.  So, with all of that, only a handful of people have reached out to us.  Some old friends, parents of my older son's best friend as a child, wrote us a very nice note.  A good friend of mine from work, a middle aged family guy with a daughter about Tony's age, came to me a couple of days ago and we had a nice talk.  That was a difficult but much needed conversation, he left my cubicle with tears in his eyes.  Well, that's it so far... I suspect a lot of people saw it, but maybe don't want to say anything.

I feel relieved that this has come out. And I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore.  If there is one thing I learned in the past two and a half years, it's that I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.