Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year

May the new year bring us all wisdom, strength and above all, hope.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Post holiday mood

Dad and Mom posted about the good and bad of the holiday.  Well, that's where I'm at I guess.  It's not all good, it never is.

So, the good was really pretty great.  I had a wonderful Christmas with family that lasted 3 days.  Actually it's not quite over because my sister, Sis,  is coming today.  Had a very nice dinner here Sunday with Son1 and his wife, T, and Son2 and K.  It was so fun, and the gifts were so thoughtful.  A lot of laughter and wonderful moments were had by all.  My kids all together, it was priceless.

The bad is that my grandma went into the hospital Christmas Eve with pneumonia, so she was not able to be with us at my Mom's for Christmas dinner.  Congestive heart failure, eye infection, diabetes, and I don't know what else.  They will send her back to the nursing home probably Thursday, but of course, the pneumonia may be under control, but the rest... well, you know...   I know I am so lucky to still have a grandparent at my age (51).  I mean, how many people my age still have grandparents?  But, I am so used to having her, I guess it kinda seemed she would live forever.  My mom is such a good daughter, she managed to to deal with that and host Christmas as well.  I don't deal with it so well.

So for today, everyone is ok.  I'm ok.  I look forward to seeing Sis.  We will talk and talk and talk.  Talking is good.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Holidays

Before I get too busy with the holidays I wanted to thank you all.  To all the bloggers I follow, you all have given me so much to think about.  You've all been through so much, I am just beginning to understand.  I can't begin to give any advice, I have no answers, and I can't tell you how to feel.  I can just say I hope you find Peace during this holiday season.

I will be seeing my sons soon....  another Christmas full of memories, kids, parents, siblings, grandma, nieces and nephews, most of them I look forward to seeing (you can choose your friends, but not your family... ha-ha).

By the way, Son2 did pass all his classes, just barely on the one.  I'm relieved, I think that gets him off academic probation.  Why was this my worry?  Well, it shouldn't have been, but mom-mode kicked in a little.  At least it didn't keep me up at night this time.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday prep

I read DadandMom's holiday shopping post with a wry smile.  The days leading up to Christmas can be so stressful for me.  There are so many obligations, chores, shopping, etc, etc.  And then the scheduling. As our kids have lives of their own, finding a time when we can all be together is a real challenge.  I always take some time off work so I can tackle these things by myself head on. Today is one of those days.

So, as I try to get through my list of errands and chores today, I am mindful of what makes this all worth while.  I get to celebrate Christmas with the people who are most important to me.

On a sad and ironic note, I will hopefully see my 97-year old grandma on Christmas Day who is in declining health.  She has been on a morphine pump for the last few years for pain.  She falls asleep a lot, morphine and age I think.  She is an addict of course, but who would deny her her last days pain free?  I can only imagine how that screws with Son2's head.

Thank you all for sharing.  I appreciate your insight and advice.  I hope you all have a happy holiday season.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

20/20 episode

I finally got around to watching this 20/20 episode.  WOW, this was very powerful.  This hit me so close to home, it was hard to watch.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Son2 turns 21 today

Today is Son2's 21st birthday.  I am so very happy to see this day.  He and K came to spend a couple of days so we were able to spend some time with them.

I always feel let down when he leaves, and a little apprehensive.  I know I hover around them when they are here, I can't help it.  I try to savor every minute, and I want to make sure I'm available to talk if either one of them feels the need.  Am I ever going to back off of that, and relax when they are here?  I don't know, maybe not.

K told me he's not doing very well in one of his classes.  I'm very disappointed to hear that and a little angry.  When is he going to buck up and stop using his addiction as an excuse for slacking off?  Anyway, I was afraid I would say something I would regret and didn't want to ruin his birthday, so I decided to wait to talk to him about that.   Am I ever going to stop walking tippy toe around him, afraid to "upset" him?  I don't know about that either.

I read some advice in one of the blogs I follow, to grieve the child you used to hope for.  It's sad, and I don't know if I can give up all of that.  I'm still hoping he will finish college, get a job, get married, have kids, and be happy.  Maybe I shouldn't look that far ahead.

It's kind of a blue day...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The current state of things...

Son1 and Son2 are off on a road trip together.  This is a good thing, I think.  They need to spend some time together.  I don't know if they've ever really talked about what happened and why, I think there's some resentment on both sides.  I try to stay out of it, it's between them.  But, I do tell them, "you only have one brother".

Son1.  He married young, managed to finish a tech degree and get a good job.  He's smart, responsible, funny, easy going, and charming.  He always looked out for his younger brother.  He even got beat up a little defending him once from a bully.  He is what we used to call clean cut, short hair cut, no tattos, no piercings.  He doesn't smoke, but drinks beer.

Son2. He's going to college and he is engaged.  He's very bright, always challenging and questioning.  Also charming, but he has a sharp edge to him.  He struggles with school, but he is capable of doing better.  He pushed boundaries in high school, pretty normal stuff... until he made that one bad decision, that step to heroin.  He's been clean since August 2009. He's begun to wean himself off of his medication.  He smokes, but doesn't drink anymore.  He's into punk rock.  He has a lip ring, tattoos and dyes his hair.  Right now he has a mohawk haircut.  He is his own man.

So, that's about them.  What about me?  I have been so focused on my kids, for 25 years.  It's very difficult to focus on myself.  I admit, it's hard for me to let go of them.  Son1 has become very independent, he doesn't need me.  I know that's a good thing, but I feel sad too.  We've been through a lot with Son2.  I want him to be independent too, he needs to fight this addiction himself.  Sometimes I don't know what my role is.  I want to help him, support him, be there for him always.  So, while he fights his addiction every day,  I try to figure out how to be his parent every day.  Soon he will be 21.

It's hard looking at myself.  I don't like some of the things I see.  Reading the blogs helps more than I ever expected. Thank you bloggers, for that.