Last week my grandma passed away. She was 98. This was a tough loss, we were close and she lived such a long life, I was starting to think she was going to live forever. It seemed an easy passing... she just gradually started sleeping more and more, until she finally didn't wake up... and then after a couple of days, just slipped away. I helped my mom some, she had a lot on her plate, and I was worried about her handling all of it. But she really obsessed over all the details, wanted everything done right, and the funeral was beautiful. Imagine a cemetery in the heart of Wisconsin farmland, up on a hill, overlooking the fields, on a windy but sunny autumn day, with leaves falling and quiet rustling, sun shimmering through the trees. It gave me peace.
Yesterday Tony broke up with K. She was devastated. I guess I wasn't completely surprised. He talked a little last week like he wasn't feeling the same about her, things had changed and he felt he was wanting to move on. I am crushed, I love that girl.
So, this is the new Tony. Tony free of all drugs and medication. He is focused and no longer paralyzed by indecision. He's organized and staying busy. Keeping track of his time, working and going to school.
Gone is the little boy, blond and chubby cheeked, happy and carefree.
Gone is the drug addict, depressed and desperate.
Gone is the dependent, unsure, drifter.
Now that those Tony's are gone, I'm not sure who is the new Tony.... someone I want to get to know better. He is someone new, someone different. Maybe he is someone who can actually look ahead and figure out what he wants. His past has shaped this new Tony, in ways that I don't always understand. I'm not sure what to make of new Tony yet. He buys guns, breaks up with his girlfriend, talks about joining the military, not sure who his friends are... don't know what to think.
I am sad because I love K.
But I feel this is another milestone. He is leaving that old Tony behind with K I think. He needs to move forward... I guess there was just too much SH*^%)&*T in their shared past.
Tread carefully, my boy...