Sunday, February 12, 2012

It's just life...

I feel a little better.  Truly... I'm glad to have these kinds of issues.  Its just life, and I'm grateful that I have the luxury of complaining about myself.

Son2 is doing fine. I am back to calling him Son2. I have been re-thinking calling him by name in my blog, since Barbara brought it up.  I don't know, but I guess it would be prudent to go back to calling him Son2.

I mean, he went on local tv, on camera, and gave his first and last name and said he was a recovering heroin addict, and he knows I blog about him, and he's ok with that.

I used to keep the whole thing very secret.  I didn't want anyone to know, I felt like we, our whole family, were scum, and didn't want anyone to find out.  Drug addicts have such a bad rep, tv and celebs don't help.  I came to accept Son2 has a disease, but so many others don't see it that way.  I rejoice in his progress, I'm so proud of him for what he has done in recovery.  But even his own family members, I won't say who, look down on him.

After Son2 went on tv, I've talked about it with more people. A lot of people won't say anything, won't bring it up, ask how he's doing, or even ask how we're doing.  My own extended family and friends, act like nothing happened, and I don't believe that none of them saw the piece on tv.  Those that did talk to me about it after it aired, really touched my heart. So, I talk to people about it if they ask me about it, but I don't bring it up unless it comes up.

Should I be able to talk about this freely as if my Son2 had any other disease?  How he's doing, how the treatment is going, etc.  But it's not that easy... it's not the same, is it?

So, I guess on the blog, I will be a little more careful.  Anonymous, seems like a little bit of a cop out, though, you know what I mean?  I'm trying not to be ashamed, but that's something I still struggle with.  So, what do I call it?  shame?  call it being careful? call it protecting our family's privacy?

This is kind of a rambling post... but I'm really struggling with this idea.

Monday, February 6, 2012

What now.... ?

Tony is doing ok, I guess.  His relationship with K seems on and off, truly, I don't know for sure what is going on right now.  She graduated, and will be going to grad school next fall.  What will happen between them I don't know, and have kind of stopped trying to figure it out.

Second semester is under way, he is taking a full class load and working weekends.  He's still going to meetings and working the steps.  He's done with his weekly After Care, so he doesn't come home Thursday nights anymore.  I kind of miss that. We went to see him a couple of weeks ago to take him out for dinner and see how he was doing.  The apartment was a pig stye but he seemed to be ok.  It was all I could do not to start cleaning, but even he said, I am not responsible for that.

As far as me, I don't know... I think I have the winter blues, or something.  Plus I am feeling a lot of pressure at work. I'm on a big project and am performing a pretty important role.  At least it feels important, and I am scared to screw up, thus the stress.  New role, new boss, big project, it adds up to tension headaches, not sleeping well, shoulder and neck pain.  Add on a few age related health issues, and I am not sitting in a very good place.

How much do you think addiction has changed you?  I mean has it changed the way you deal with life's difficulties?  Right now, my sons are ok.  Family is ok.  So, why can't I relax?  Why don't I feel better than this?