Checking in after a Long Break

I don't know why I didn't post for so long.... I wasn't reading much either... I guess I just needed a break.  Much has happened.... you know, life goes on.

First of all, Son2 is fine.  He and K broke up for good, they both now have found separate apartments and seem to be doing fine.  I don't think they have any contact with each other right now, maybe for the best.  I miss that girl a lot.  We are trying to stay in touch, hope we can keep that up.

Son2 is living in what he describes as a crappy apartment, with a roommate who was a childhood friend.  I haven't seen this apt yet.  Don't get me wrong, neither one of these guys is perfect, but although D, the roommate, drinks (like many Wisconsin college students), he does not do drugs, and he knows all too well Son2's history and has said he will not tolerate any of that.  Son2 has been his designated driver a few times.  I think they will look out for each other a bit.  Son2 is sober as far as I know, does not drink either.  He still likes guns, and has a buddy that he likes to target shoot with, and also play Airsoft with.  This buddy is also an artist (photographer) so they have a lot in common.  Son2 is also trying to start a punk band with his roommate and a couple of other guys.  Not the sort of thing I would recommend for a recovering addict, but it keeps him busy, and it's his choice.

Son2 is becoming more and more independent.  He is working as many hours as he can get this summer.  We still pay his rent, but he is covering most of his other expenses.  He doesn't come home every week anymore, and that is weird.  He has his own life, he is doing his own thing.  I didn't know if I would ever get to this point, but I finally can say I do not worry for him constantly anymore.  In fact I don't text him every single day anymore either.  He is not living the life I ever imagined he would, but he is living his own life.  We were out of town the weekend he moved, so he managed all of that without us,  with a few of his friends to help.  One thing I asked him to do for us is figure out this summer is how many more semesters of college he has left.  I'm thinking 2 or maybe 3.

So then, what about me?  My job sucks still, having trouble handling the stress.  A couple of friends of ours passed away this spring, and my daughter-in-law's mother was just diagnosed with Lymphoma.  Add a couple of annoying health issues of my own, and yeah... life goes on... with or without addiction in it.  I'm trying to focus on what I think is important in life, but it's not always easy to be positive.  We have so much to be thankful for though, my kids are independent and happy, lots to look forward to.

So, Life is good, some things that happen are good, and some things are bad.  Life goes on...

It's just life...

I feel a little better.  Truly... I'm glad to have these kinds of issues.  Its just life, and I'm grateful that I have the luxury of complaining about myself.

Son2 is doing fine. I am back to calling him Son2. I have been re-thinking calling him by name in my blog, since Barbara brought it up.  I don't know, but I guess it would be prudent to go back to calling him Son2.

I mean, he went on local tv, on camera, and gave his first and last name and said he was a recovering heroin addict, and he knows I blog about him, and he's ok with that.

I used to keep the whole thing very secret.  I didn't want anyone to know, I felt like we, our whole family, were scum, and didn't want anyone to find out.  Drug addicts have such a bad rep, tv and celebs don't help.  I came to accept Son2 has a disease, but so many others don't see it that way.  I rejoice in his progress, I'm so proud of him for what he has done in recovery.  But even his own family members, I won't say who, look down on him.

After Son2 went on tv, I've talked about it with more people. A lot of people won't say anything, won't bring it up, ask how he's doing, or even ask how we're doing.  My own extended family and friends, act like nothing happened, and I don't believe that none of them saw the piece on tv.  Those that did talk to me about it after it aired, really touched my heart. So, I talk to people about it if they ask me about it, but I don't bring it up unless it comes up.

Should I be able to talk about this freely as if my Son2 had any other disease?  How he's doing, how the treatment is going, etc.  But it's not that easy... it's not the same, is it?

So, I guess on the blog, I will be a little more careful.  Anonymous, seems like a little bit of a cop out, though, you know what I mean?  I'm trying not to be ashamed, but that's something I still struggle with.  So, what do I call it?  shame?  call it being careful? call it protecting our family's privacy?

This is kind of a rambling post... but I'm really struggling with this idea.

What now.... ?

Tony is doing ok, I guess.  His relationship with K seems on and off, truly, I don't know for sure what is going on right now.  She graduated, and will be going to grad school next fall.  What will happen between them I don't know, and have kind of stopped trying to figure it out.

Second semester is under way, he is taking a full class load and working weekends.  He's still going to meetings and working the steps.  He's done with his weekly After Care, so he doesn't come home Thursday nights anymore.  I kind of miss that. We went to see him a couple of weeks ago to take him out for dinner and see how he was doing.  The apartment was a pig stye but he seemed to be ok.  It was all I could do not to start cleaning, but even he said, I am not responsible for that.

As far as me, I don't know... I think I have the winter blues, or something.  Plus I am feeling a lot of pressure at work. I'm on a big project and am performing a pretty important role.  At least it feels important, and I am scared to screw up, thus the stress.  New role, new boss, big project, it adds up to tension headaches, not sleeping well, shoulder and neck pain.  Add on a few age related health issues, and I am not sitting in a very good place.

How much do you think addiction has changed you?  I mean has it changed the way you deal with life's difficulties?  Right now, my sons are ok.  Family is ok.  So, why can't I relax?  Why don't I feel better than this?

I have to laugh a little

So last week Tony was here, it was the middle of the night and something woke me up. I heard his bedroom door close and figured he couldn't sleep or just plain likes to stay up late. Then I got a whiff of something... Sulfuric... I have smelled this before a couple years back when a certain renter was living next door. My husband and I had always theorized it was meth. But I didn't think of that. Right away I lept to the conclusion that it was Tony. I lay in bed trying to decide how to confront him, feeling sick and sniffing the air to be sure of what I was smelling. I pondered if I should wake up my husband and then I heard something... Voices. At first I thought they were coming from Tony's room or that he was outside, but then I recognized the voices and the banter. Our neighbors and the former renter come to visit. "you suck" "no, you suck" "you really suck" "no, you really suck!" etc, etc, etc. You know the non-rational, inane arguments that drunk/high people have. Of course, Tony was in bed, and if he was still awake, was probably greatly amused. H and I had a good chuckle in the morning, he had heard them too. I couldn't admit what I had been thinking... Sigh... Two more things I have to mention. Tony got his grades, 3 A's and 2 B's. These are the best grades he has ever received. No dropped classes and a full load. He's got to be so proud of himself, I know we are. The other thing is that After Care is ending. He had been going once every couple weeks or so still, but they finally are cutting him loose. I guess it's time, I hate to think he was taking someone's spot who really needs the help. So that's one more thing to leave by the wayside, another safety net to put aside. It makes me uneasy, but then, I'm not the one driving, am I?

Peace.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.  My wish for you all is Serenity, Courage and Wisdom...

and... I hope you can share this time with those you love.

Peace.

My son is 22 today...

Today is Tony's birthday, he is 22.  We saw him yesterday and took him his gifts.  He looks good, I guess. Different though.  He was quiet.  It's the end of the semester and he really has to focus for another couple of weeks, then he can relax.  We also got to see K.  She went out to lunch with us.  I felt uncomfortable, it seemed awkward... didn't seem right to me.  But, we let them lead the way, if they want to continue to be room mates, they will have to get along, and they seem to be.  K was animated, excited about graduation (she will graduate with honors next week), and catching us up on all her news.  She even engaged Tony in the conversation and it turned out to be a very nice visit.  They were acting like good friends and room mates, not estranged lovers.  If what we saw yesterday was really true, they have been one of the only couples I have ever known that could really go from being in a deeply involved relationship, to "just friends".  She gave Tony a birthday present, and we are exchanging Christmas gifts with her and will include her in our holiday.  Both of them are going to celebrate New Year's with us in Florida.   We made sure it was ok with Tony, and were surprised when she accepted the invitation.

So, I don't know for sure what is going on between them... it's none of my business, really.  But I can speculate that neither one of them wants the other one out of their life.  They've been through a lot together, and it's been quite a journey.  They are tied to each other.  I hope they will maintain this connection always, but of course I have a personal relationship with both of them, so that's selfish on my part.

Where it gets weirder, is that Tony is interested in another girl and K knows it.  I don't know very much about it except that he met her at work.  I think he is trying to date her, but not sure he is being successful.  I have no idea if she knows he's a recovering addict.  I haven't had a chance to ask him about her, and frankly, I'm still dealing with the break up and I'm not ready for this.

So, it continues to be a challenge to be Tony's mom.  I have a few friends and acquaintances that are expecting and often those of us with older kids give advice.  I don't even know what to say anymore, except kids will surprise you, and you can't plan out their lives, because they have their own minds.  And you certainly can't control who they will love.  Love your kids, and make sure they know it.

BTW, Tony started up step work again.  I think he is on Step 5 now... "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

And also,  the high school principal got in touch with us. He had seen Tony's piece on tv and wanted to  get in touch with him about coming and talking to a small group of students. Tony said he was interested but I don't know if they have arranged it yet.  This will be hard for him.  He doesn't have good memories of that place, but this could be a real opportunity to make a difference.  At risk kids are a tough crowd, but it seems like someone who has been in their shoes may be able to get through.  Ron: I would love to hear your thoughts...

blues...

It's Saturday... I don't have to work, it's rainy, cold, chance of snow later, I have things to do, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Another craft sale, christmas shopping, holiday party... I am just not in the mood.  I am boycotting my favorite oldies radio station because they started playing christmas music a month ago. It's dark when I get up in the morning and dark when I drive home from work.    So many ads to buy buy buy... stuff we don't need and can't afford.

Yup, it's depressing. That's early December for ya.

Tony seems to be pulling away... I guess he's really busy, getting towards the end of the semester, projects due, exams, plus he's trying to work every weekend.  I don't know what's going on with K, he says they haven't had time to talk.

So, it's been three years... and he is acting independent... finally.  I guess.  Not coming home as much, not texting as often, not quite as talkative when he's home.  I gotta tell you, it feels weird, uncomfortable.  Three years of intensity surrounding him, it's hard to let go of that.  It gave me purpose, you know?  I know in my head that this is what we strive for as parents, for our little birds to fly solo, but it feels funny to not be needed so much.  Not to be included in every detail of his life anymore. Yeah, it hurts a little.

It's hard to admit that...  I get accused (behind my back they think) of being an overly involved and overly protective parent.  Guilty, I guess.  I've seen worse.  I'd like to think I know when to back off.  And maybe now is the time for Tony.  He has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks, he will be 22.

So, interestingly enough... we have seen my older son and his wife twice this week.  That's nice. We have a much different relationship, more mature.  They only live 20 minutes away but we go sometimes a couple weeks without connecting.  They have their own lives.

ok, on to the shopping season...

Peace.