I have to laugh a little

So last week Tony was here, it was the middle of the night and something woke me up. I heard his bedroom door close and figured he couldn't sleep or just plain likes to stay up late. Then I got a whiff of something... Sulfuric... I have smelled this before a couple years back when a certain renter was living next door. My husband and I had always theorized it was meth. But I didn't think of that. Right away I lept to the conclusion that it was Tony. I lay in bed trying to decide how to confront him, feeling sick and sniffing the air to be sure of what I was smelling. I pondered if I should wake up my husband and then I heard something... Voices. At first I thought they were coming from Tony's room or that he was outside, but then I recognized the voices and the banter. Our neighbors and the former renter come to visit. "you suck" "no, you suck" "you really suck" "no, you really suck!" etc, etc, etc. You know the non-rational, inane arguments that drunk/high people have. Of course, Tony was in bed, and if he was still awake, was probably greatly amused. H and I had a good chuckle in the morning, he had heard them too. I couldn't admit what I had been thinking... Sigh... Two more things I have to mention. Tony got his grades, 3 A's and 2 B's. These are the best grades he has ever received. No dropped classes and a full load. He's got to be so proud of himself, I know we are. The other thing is that After Care is ending. He had been going once every couple weeks or so still, but they finally are cutting him loose. I guess it's time, I hate to think he was taking someone's spot who really needs the help. So that's one more thing to leave by the wayside, another safety net to put aside. It makes me uneasy, but then, I'm not the one driving, am I?

Peace.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.  My wish for you all is Serenity, Courage and Wisdom...

and... I hope you can share this time with those you love.

Peace.

My son is 22 today...

Today is Tony's birthday, he is 22.  We saw him yesterday and took him his gifts.  He looks good, I guess. Different though.  He was quiet.  It's the end of the semester and he really has to focus for another couple of weeks, then he can relax.  We also got to see K.  She went out to lunch with us.  I felt uncomfortable, it seemed awkward... didn't seem right to me.  But, we let them lead the way, if they want to continue to be room mates, they will have to get along, and they seem to be.  K was animated, excited about graduation (she will graduate with honors next week), and catching us up on all her news.  She even engaged Tony in the conversation and it turned out to be a very nice visit.  They were acting like good friends and room mates, not estranged lovers.  If what we saw yesterday was really true, they have been one of the only couples I have ever known that could really go from being in a deeply involved relationship, to "just friends".  She gave Tony a birthday present, and we are exchanging Christmas gifts with her and will include her in our holiday.  Both of them are going to celebrate New Year's with us in Florida.   We made sure it was ok with Tony, and were surprised when she accepted the invitation.

So, I don't know for sure what is going on between them... it's none of my business, really.  But I can speculate that neither one of them wants the other one out of their life.  They've been through a lot together, and it's been quite a journey.  They are tied to each other.  I hope they will maintain this connection always, but of course I have a personal relationship with both of them, so that's selfish on my part.

Where it gets weirder, is that Tony is interested in another girl and K knows it.  I don't know very much about it except that he met her at work.  I think he is trying to date her, but not sure he is being successful.  I have no idea if she knows he's a recovering addict.  I haven't had a chance to ask him about her, and frankly, I'm still dealing with the break up and I'm not ready for this.

So, it continues to be a challenge to be Tony's mom.  I have a few friends and acquaintances that are expecting and often those of us with older kids give advice.  I don't even know what to say anymore, except kids will surprise you, and you can't plan out their lives, because they have their own minds.  And you certainly can't control who they will love.  Love your kids, and make sure they know it.

BTW, Tony started up step work again.  I think he is on Step 5 now... "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

And also,  the high school principal got in touch with us. He had seen Tony's piece on tv and wanted to  get in touch with him about coming and talking to a small group of students. Tony said he was interested but I don't know if they have arranged it yet.  This will be hard for him.  He doesn't have good memories of that place, but this could be a real opportunity to make a difference.  At risk kids are a tough crowd, but it seems like someone who has been in their shoes may be able to get through.  Ron: I would love to hear your thoughts...

blues...

It's Saturday... I don't have to work, it's rainy, cold, chance of snow later, I have things to do, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Another craft sale, christmas shopping, holiday party... I am just not in the mood.  I am boycotting my favorite oldies radio station because they started playing christmas music a month ago. It's dark when I get up in the morning and dark when I drive home from work.    So many ads to buy buy buy... stuff we don't need and can't afford.

Yup, it's depressing. That's early December for ya.

Tony seems to be pulling away... I guess he's really busy, getting towards the end of the semester, projects due, exams, plus he's trying to work every weekend.  I don't know what's going on with K, he says they haven't had time to talk.

So, it's been three years... and he is acting independent... finally.  I guess.  Not coming home as much, not texting as often, not quite as talkative when he's home.  I gotta tell you, it feels weird, uncomfortable.  Three years of intensity surrounding him, it's hard to let go of that.  It gave me purpose, you know?  I know in my head that this is what we strive for as parents, for our little birds to fly solo, but it feels funny to not be needed so much.  Not to be included in every detail of his life anymore. Yeah, it hurts a little.

It's hard to admit that...  I get accused (behind my back they think) of being an overly involved and overly protective parent.  Guilty, I guess.  I've seen worse.  I'd like to think I know when to back off.  And maybe now is the time for Tony.  He has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks, he will be 22.

So, interestingly enough... we have seen my older son and his wife twice this week.  That's nice. We have a much different relationship, more mature.  They only live 20 minutes away but we go sometimes a couple weeks without connecting.  They have their own lives.

ok, on to the shopping season...

Peace.

Three Years ago...

Lately I've been distant from blogs.  Been busy, you know... and stuff...

Three years ago on Thanksgiving our nightmare began, our son told us he was a heroin addict.  A lot of water under the bridge since then, now he's been clean for a couple of years, since July he's off all medication and we're all trying to get used to "New Tony".

Most everyone was home for Thanksgiving, it was great to see all the family.  Tony was distant and quiet.  He's been so busy, and now his relationship with K is up in the air. (He is having second thoughts about the break up.) He's been working and taking a full load of classes, and he is passing all his classes, and for the first time it looks like he will get through the semester without dropping or flunking a class.  He is focused and intense, serious.

So... I don't know if this is normal.  Something didn't feel right to me... but then, I don't know what right feels like anymore.  I told H yesterday, I don't know if I will every get over this.  I still feel like I'm on alert, like I'm afraid to relax, afraid to be happy.

We bought a condo in Florida, a vacation home. I love it there, it's peaceful, warm and sunny.  A nice retreat for us to escape to.  I am uncomfortable telling our friends and family about it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Why?  We worked hard for it.  But, don't feel deserving, and I certainly don't want to flaunt it.

Yeah, this journey is not over, I have a long ways to go.  Blogging helps, I should have remembered that sooner.  Thanks to all.

A couple of sad things...

Last week my grandma passed away. She was 98.  This was a tough loss, we were close and she lived such a long life, I was starting to think she was going to live forever.  It seemed an easy passing... she just gradually started sleeping more and more, until she finally didn't wake up... and then after a couple of days, just slipped away.   I helped my mom some, she had a lot on her plate, and I was worried about her handling all of it.  But she really obsessed over all the details, wanted everything done right, and the funeral was beautiful.  Imagine a cemetery in the heart of Wisconsin farmland, up on a hill, overlooking the fields, on a windy but sunny autumn day, with leaves falling and quiet rustling, sun shimmering through the trees.  It gave me peace.

Yesterday Tony broke up with K.  She was devastated.  I guess I wasn't completely surprised. He talked a little last week like he wasn't feeling the same about her, things had changed and he felt he was wanting to move on.  I am crushed, I love that girl.

So, this is the new Tony.  Tony free of all drugs and medication.  He is focused and no longer paralyzed by indecision.  He's organized and staying busy.  Keeping track of his time, working and going to school.

Gone is the little boy, blond and chubby cheeked, happy and carefree.

Gone is the drug addict, depressed and desperate.

Gone is the dependent, unsure, drifter.

Now that those Tony's are gone, I'm not sure who is the new Tony.... someone I want to get to know better.  He is someone new, someone different.  Maybe he is someone who can actually look ahead and figure out what he wants.  His past has shaped this new Tony, in ways that I don't always understand.  I'm not sure what to make of new Tony yet.  He buys guns, breaks up with his girlfriend, talks about joining the military, not sure who his friends are...  don't know what to think.

I am sad because I love K.

But I feel this is another milestone. He is leaving that old Tony behind with K I think.  He needs to move forward... I guess there was just too much SH*^%)&*T in their shared past.

Tread carefully, my boy...

Catching up

Ok, it's been a while, and I just was trying to catch up on the blogs I usually follow.  I realize I've missed you guys... my fellow bloggers...

I've been busy... at work, and with more trips to Florida.  It was a lot of work, but we're glad we now have a vacation home!!  We are so happy with our new place and looking forward to a lot of future leisure time there.

Tony is doing very well I think.  The semester is well under way, and in spite of taking more credits than usual and working more than usual, he is doing better than usual.  In fact he had a couple of exams yesterday and said he did very well.  K says she'll believe it when she sees the grade... I don't blame her for that, he doesn't have a stellar track record.  But, he sounds good, he says he is doing well managing his time, and in spite of being super busy, doesn't sound that stressed.  He's tired, but in a normal, every day life, has too much to do way, not in a side effects from medication or drug use way.

Of course I worry and I am wary.  He's off Suboxone, and I keep thinking without that safety net, how much "life" can he take before that one more thing happens that pushes him over the edge.  He's pushing himself... that's unusual.  He's managing his time... that is also unusual... he's never been good at that.  He's been making his own decisions, despite our advice, the gun, and now a new kitten.  Both items he thought about for a long time before deciding.  Is it possible that... now that he is really healthy... he is starting to mature??  I know he is technically an adult, but I think he is actually starting to act like one.  I can only hope he continues down this path.