Saturday, December 4, 2010

The current state of things...

Son1 and Son2 are off on a road trip together.  This is a good thing, I think.  They need to spend some time together.  I don't know if they've ever really talked about what happened and why, I think there's some resentment on both sides.  I try to stay out of it, it's between them.  But, I do tell them, "you only have one brother".

Son1.  He married young, managed to finish a tech degree and get a good job.  He's smart, responsible, funny, easy going, and charming.  He always looked out for his younger brother.  He even got beat up a little defending him once from a bully.  He is what we used to call clean cut, short hair cut, no tattos, no piercings.  He doesn't smoke, but drinks beer.

Son2. He's going to college and he is engaged.  He's very bright, always challenging and questioning.  Also charming, but he has a sharp edge to him.  He struggles with school, but he is capable of doing better.  He pushed boundaries in high school, pretty normal stuff... until he made that one bad decision, that step to heroin.  He's been clean since August 2009. He's begun to wean himself off of his medication.  He smokes, but doesn't drink anymore.  He's into punk rock.  He has a lip ring, tattoos and dyes his hair.  Right now he has a mohawk haircut.  He is his own man.

So, that's about them.  What about me?  I have been so focused on my kids, for 25 years.  It's very difficult to focus on myself.  I admit, it's hard for me to let go of them.  Son1 has become very independent, he doesn't need me.  I know that's a good thing, but I feel sad too.  We've been through a lot with Son2.  I want him to be independent too, he needs to fight this addiction himself.  Sometimes I don't know what my role is.  I want to help him, support him, be there for him always.  So, while he fights his addiction every day,  I try to figure out how to be his parent every day.  Soon he will be 21.

It's hard looking at myself.  I don't like some of the things I see.  Reading the blogs helps more than I ever expected. Thank you bloggers, for that.

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