Where I want to be...

This is where I want to be... Florida.  

But where I am is Wisconsin, big snowstorm yesterday, roads were a mess, a foot of snow in the driveway when we got home from work, and now today, piles as tall as me along the side....

I am really sick of winter. I think a lot of us are here.  

A couple more weeks and my husband I will be down in Florida for vacation.  I can hardly wait. 

On a side note, we saw Son2 and his fiance at my cousin's wedding last weekend.  It was nice to see her again, starting to get to know her. It's good.

Didn't see that coming...

Just when I think there are no more surprises, Son2 comes up with another one... keep reading, it's not what you think...

So he texted me a couple days ago and wanted to know if we were home from work, sounding like he wanted to talk.  In my mind, red alerts are going off, but I talked to him and he seemed fine, although a little mysterious.  At first I was afraid he was going to say he was using again, maybe some day that will NOT be the first thought in my head... Anyway, he wanted to get together so we could meet his new girlfriend.  Yeah, ok, we hadn't met her yet, he talks about her a lot, even though they've only been going out for about a month.

Last night, we meet for dinner, met his new girlfriend, C. She seems very nice, quiet, pretty, kind of artistic and "punk" like him.  We had dinner, talked, she is an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant, works a lot of hours, seems ok, from what I could tell.  So, then Son2 says they are engaged and they want to get married next year.

DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. I don't even know what to say, we just met her, I wish I knew her better, because I don't even know what to think.  We of course, gave our congratulations, lots of hugs and kisses and plans to meet family, etc.  

He seems happy, he seems sure. But I can't help but think of the other times he was head over heels in love, and then everything fell apart.  I do not want to see that again.  But, I will wipe that doubt off of my face, and be happy for them. He is older, wiser, and more mature. He is making this choice.

I wish them all of my best wishes and happiness.  And, I welcome her to our family with open arms. HIGH HOPES, that what I have.  And, remember, he is very happy.

Looks like I will have a new daughter-in-law! Very exciting!

Starting to feel better...

I haven't been blogging as often as I used to.  I try to keep up and read some of my favorites, but don't post often.  I guess I'm not sure what to write, not sure what my blog is about anymore.  This post, I guess is about me, not my son.

This winter has been tough on me. Today is cold, but at least it's sunny. I have had a low level virus of some kind since the holidays, and on top of that, I'm not happy at my job.  The stress weighs heavy on me, aches and pains, headaches, nausea on and off, lethargic.  ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.

You know it's easy to see what to do when it's someone else, things make so much more sense when you're looking from a distance.  I think I have finally decided what action to take.  I'm going to try to transfer to another department at work.  I've been in the same area for 15 years, and I'm burned out.  Time for a change.  Sounds simple, doesn't it?  But it took me a long time to get to that. Being miserable is comfortable in a weird way, it's a Known state.  Making a big change is Unknown, and that's scary.

BTW, I do believe that the addiction experience contributed to my burnout, even though the thick of it occurred a few years ago.

Another of my husband's friends passed away this past week. I'd already made up my mind, but thinking about that, really cemented my decision.  The guy was in his mid 60's, not yet retired, and wasn't really sick.  It was unexpected.  This is the 4th friend that my husband has lost in the past  year, all somewhere in their 60's.  All guys who didn't get to enjoy their retirement, enjoy their grandchildren,  even watch their children get married.

Life is too short and full of uncertainty. I do not want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. I don't want to dread going to work. I don't want my job to take over my life. I want to go home every night and leave work behind.  I want to enjoy hobbies, I want to take care of my body and my soul, and I want to enjoy my family.  You know what I really want?  I want to retire.  Kind of drastic though, maybe just a change first.

So, I'll make a change, go for it, right?  Take control of my life, can't rely on others to do that. Can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results, right?  Like I said, sounds so much easier when you're talking about someone else.

Happy guy

Son2 opening Christmas gifts

We talked to Son2 yesterday. He was in a good mood.  He started dating someone and was telling us about her.  He also was happy about his band's show on New Year's Eve.  He also says his Winterim course is going well.  So... life is good.

Pretty soon he will start his spring semester, and it sounds like it will be very busy.  Since he's hoping to graduate in May, he is taking a full load, planning to continue to work, and I believe he also has to hold a senior art exhibition and I'm sure he wants to continue with his band.  It's all very exciting, but I'm a little apprehensive about it all.  It's a lot, and although he's been doing well, I really don't know where his breaking point is.  

After all we've been through, I still worry.  I don't know if I will ever get past the fear of relapse.

I think I have a reputation at work of being a glass half empty sort of person.  Ok, so I've been in the dept for 15 years, and I think I'm just being realistic and honest, but I guess sometimes it comes off as being a pessamist.  Maybe I focus on the negative a little too much.  I also think my experience with Addiction in the family has changed my perspective.

Today, though I'm glad Son2 is happy.  He looks happy, doesn't he?

Another December, Another year....

Son2 had a birthday a couple weeks ago, he is 23 now.  We didn't see him for his birthday, which was a little weird, because of finals. But if all goes well, this will be the last year finals will get in the way of his birthday.  He is hoping to graduate in May.  I am hopefully optimistic about this, and as some of you know, he's come a long way.  It feels good to be looking forward to college graduation.

Christmas is over and lots of time with family. The weeks before Christmas were hectic and I have to say I was relieved when all of that was over.  I've been off work since and it felt pretty good to relax and not do much, low stress... Son2 was here for a few days, hung out and slept a lot. He also went to speak at his outpatient group.  He keeps in touch with his drug counselor, and comes back to speak every once in a while.  It is a good thing.

Son2's punk band has their first paying gig tonight, New Year's Eve.  He is pretty excited and  it's nice to see him so involved, having friends, being organized, having success in what he does.

I had kind of a rough year at work.  I was promoted about a year and a half ago, and after this past year, I was seriously thinking that was a mistake.  The stress and workload was immense (to me), and I wanted out.  I guess I don't handle stress well. I was on a project that took a big toll on me, and I guess I just burned out.  So... anyway, can't figure out what to do. I am in my 50's and the thought of looking for a new job scares the crap out of me.  I can't retire yet either, financially not a good idea. I started high blood pressure meds last summer, doctor said do what I can about reducing stress.  I will be working in a little different area after New Year's, so we'll see how that goes.

All of this has been rolling around in my head while I've been home the last few days.  Today, I ran across this quote, and it gave me a lift.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  --Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy New Year to all, bring on 2013!!

IS or WAS?

Son1, Husband, Son2... showing their toughness

A couple of days ago before work I was doing a flyover on POA blogs, starting with my own.  I jumped to Ron's blog and clicked on his link where he had recently written an article.

http://www.myaddiction.com/share/drugs/my-son-was-an-addict

As I was getting ready to close out and go to work, I noticed something curious.  With the two tabs open in my browser,  the tab for my blog said "My son is an Addict", and the other one from Ron's article said "My son was an Addict".  Both of our sons, about the same age, clean and sober for a couple years or so... what does that mean?

My Son2 says he IS an addict, in the present tense.  My interpretation of that is that, even though he is sober, he fights for it every day.  For me, I am afraid to put it in the past tense, afraid to think that it is really over.  Don't get me wrong, my son is doing well and I am so proud of him.  I guess I have a lot to think about.  Maybe you will see some changes on my blog soon.  BTW, I would love to hear what Ron thinks about this.

It's hard to move forward from the past sometimes for me.  FOUR years ago today, our Son2 came to us with his heroin addiction.  He's home now actually, for Thanksgiving, just like he was then.  Every Thanksgiving since then, I've brought it up with family members, to mark the day and be thankful for how far we've all come.  I don't know if I will this year, maybe I should leave it behind this time.  But, I will still be thinking of it.  Yesterday, I had a text exchange with K, Son2's former girlfriend.  We are still in touch... it's hard to let go of that too.  I told her how thankful I was she was there to share those years with us, and to be part of our family during that time.  She said she would make all the same choices again... and that she has seen Son2 grow and change and can't see him ever going back.  Time for all of us to move on I guess.

So, I give thanks today ...

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Peace.

Being Sober...

A couple of things have come up on other blogs that I wanted to write about...

Can an addict use "just a little" bit and maintain sobriety?
       Personally, I don't think so.  Either you are sober or you aren't.  If you think  you can still  use while you are in recovery, you are just kidding yourself.  As a parent, don't believe it.

Can being sober be "fun"?
        Well, of course.  That's easy to say now.  I went through a time when Son2 was fairly new into recovery and I thought he had to be a saint.  I didn't want him to go out, or do anything "fun" .  After all, wasn't that how he got into trouble in the first place, trying to have too much fun?  But after a while I did realize, with his help,  he was still young, and still needed to live his life, making whatever mistakes he would make, experiencing joy and sadness, just like everyone else. He has started a punk band with his friends, goes out, and does a lot of stuff that other guys his age do.  He is not a saint, but he is clean and sober as far as I know. It's possible. Do I like it?  Well, I still worry the way he lives his life, the temptations, etc.  But then, it's not my life, it's his.

Regrets?
       I still think about being a "bad mother" back then, and now.  It's hard not to feel responsible for my Son2's problems in some way.  I've blogged about this more than once, and I still struggle with this.  There was a few things that happened that I always will wonder about, if they had an influence on his choices.  My husband's parents fell ill and passed away when Son2 was preschool age.  Of course a lot of our focus was on them, and I always felt bad about that.  When Son2 was about 14, his older brother decided to get married at 19.  I was pretty upset that he was marrying so young, and again, much of my focus was on that situation.  I did the best I could, I really think so.  It looks a little different now that I look back after 3-4 years. Not so emotional as back then.  I think all of us POA's have done the best we could, at the time, in the situation and circumstances we were in and what we knew at the time.

Looking ahead
      Son2 just told me that he talked to his advisor and he thinks he will graduate in the spring.  OMG!