A couple of things have come up on other blogs that I wanted to write about...
Can an addict use "just a little" bit and maintain sobriety?
Personally, I don't think so. Either you are sober or you aren't. If you think you can still use while you are in recovery, you are just kidding yourself. As a parent, don't believe it.
Can being sober be "fun"?
Well, of course. That's easy to say now. I went through a time when Son2 was fairly new into recovery and I thought he had to be a saint. I didn't want him to go out, or do anything "fun" . After all, wasn't that how he got into trouble in the first place, trying to have too much fun? But after a while I did realize, with his help, he was still young, and still needed to live his life, making whatever mistakes he would make, experiencing joy and sadness, just like everyone else. He has started a punk band with his friends, goes out, and does a lot of stuff that other guys his age do. He is not a saint, but he is clean and sober as far as I know. It's possible. Do I like it? Well, I still worry the way he lives his life, the temptations, etc. But then, it's not my life, it's his.
Regrets?
I still think about being a "bad mother" back then, and now. It's hard not to feel responsible for my Son2's problems in some way. I've blogged about this more than once, and I still struggle with this. There was a few things that happened that I always will wonder about, if they had an influence on his choices. My husband's parents fell ill and passed away when Son2 was preschool age. Of course a lot of our focus was on them, and I always felt bad about that. When Son2 was about 14, his older brother decided to get married at 19. I was pretty upset that he was marrying so young, and again, much of my focus was on that situation. I did the best I could, I really think so. It looks a little different now that I look back after 3-4 years. Not so emotional as back then. I think all of us POA's have done the best we could, at the time, in the situation and circumstances we were in and what we knew at the time.
Looking ahead
Son2 just told me that he talked to his advisor and he thinks he will graduate in the spring. OMG!
If he is using then he is not sober. The End. The point in question is whether he can use "a little" and then stop. That is the debate. Using in any way does not equal sobriety and I personally never claimed it did...just sayin.
ReplyDeleteMadyson, I was not really responding to your post(s) in particular. But your blog did remind me of conversations I've had with my son and others in the past about using a little, drinking a little, just one hit, one more hit, one last drink, and whether they really wanted to overcome addiction. My son told me early in his recovery that since his problem was with heroin, he thought he could still drink cuz he never had a problem with alcohol. That was before he relapsed. When he became more serious about recovery, he realized what it would take for him to maintain his recovery: 100 percent commitment.
ReplyDeleteI remember the hellish days between the time Son2 came to us for help until he actually started treatment. We were so stupid, telling him not to use, stay strong, just hold on until we could get him into treatment. He finally told us he had to use a little to get by until treatment. When I look back, knowing what I know now, I realize he probably went on a real bender. Anyway, I talked myself into accepting that a little was ok, just to get by. My son realized later that couldn't work for him.
We all fall back and think about how we could have been better mothers ( Or mutha's in my case) ...We Dads and Moms did our best ..we made mistakes and we had no knowledge of the enemy. Would I have changed some stuff? sure..but who wouldn't. All parents would do that ...but that is not the way life plays out.
ReplyDeleteThey can have a good time in sobriety ..just ask my son!
peace and strength
Nothing hurts parents more than seeing their son in the wrong way of living. I am not a parent yet but I would say, I understand their feelings when their kids are directed to the wrong path. For an addict, a friend would be the best sober companion .
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent, nothing is more joyful than to see her children happy with their lives. Sober companionship is one of the many ways that a person can recover from addiction.
ReplyDelete