I'm back!

I had such a nice time on vacation, I have to admit I couldn't face the blogging right away.  I really just wanted to day dream about the beach and ocean...  It was a great time to recharge. One of my favorite memories is standing on the beach at sunset.  It was so beautiful, the sky and the ocean were SO BIG, and I felt so small.  It was truly amazing.

Several things brought me back to reality, besides the airplane.  The weather was so warm, 50's when we got back.  There was mud everywhere and the snow was all dirty, it was depressing.  It has snowed since, and we are back to normal winter weather.  I am very busy at work now, in fact I am applying for a new position, which means I have to promote myself, something I'm not good at.  And then there is the budget repair bill causing a lot of turmoil here in Wisconsin.  The protests are big and practically in our back yard, about 20 minutes away, something else that makes me feel small.

Son2 hit the 18 month mark and proudly showed me his 18 month coin.  He keeps it in his wallet along with another milestone coin.  He also announced he has become a sponsor.  His sponsee is a couple years older than he is, and so far has been calling to touch base daily.  It's only been a week or so, and his sponsee is just beginning his recovery road, but Son2 seems positive.  He is a part of a sponsor family, his sponsor's name is Angel (no, I am not kidding).  He has sponsee brothers (other guys who Angel sponsors), and now he has a sponsee himself.  Sounds like they get together about once a week to do step work.

There is still something going on with Son2 and K.  She confided that they fight a lot, but she won't say about what.  I think she is under a lot of stress with school, but otherwise, I don't know what the heck is going on.  I know it is up to them to figure out.  She goes to Al Anon, and has a sponsor.  So, I know they both have support.  They know we are here too, to talk if need be.  So, I guess they will either work it out....or not.

Uneasy feeling

Well, I feel stupid now after that I feel lucky post.  Son2 had a fight with K at 5am yesterday.  Guess he had been up all night working on a school project, and then ended up having the fight.  He won't say what it was about or what's going on to me or to his dad.  He sounded funny on the phone last night.  Didn't give me any details today either via text, and didn't answer when I tried to call.  He did say he thinks things are alright. K hasn't answered my text either asking how she was doing.  Something is going on and I don't know what.  I think they don't want to say because we are leaving for our trip tomorrow night.

As you all know, this is the kind of thing that could trigger a relapse, I'm not going to kid myself about that.  I even went online and did a little snooping at his bank account to see if it looked like his spending had changed (don't think so).

I know I should stay out of it...I tried to do that today, I really did.  He can handle this, whatever it is, but will he?  I just want him to tell me everything is ok, he stayed sober, they are still engaged, and they got through it.  I wish I could talk to him face to face, but I don't think that will be possible until we get back from our trip.

So, I feel like I'm on alert.  I know I should relax, let go and hop on the plane.  It's his problem to solve.  I know that's what I need to do, but I will probably try to talk to him again tomorrow and see if I can get any reassurances... isn't that a rather selfish thing?  I really don't want to worry about this on our trip.

Hope I'm getting all worked up for nothing...

I think we are lucky

Son2 will be clean and sober for 18 months in a few days, but who's counting.

I can't help but feel lucky, and I'm not sure I am, or that I should be.  We are lucky to have health insurance, we are fortunate to have good jobs, we are fortunate that we didn't have to pay for inpatient care (Son2's has all been outpatient).  We are lucky that the black days of heroin were only a matter of months, not years. I mean is this even normal?  It almost feels like we are in for a train wreck.  I feel uneasy, I really do.  We are all stable for now, but you know, he can't stay in college forever.

Spring is coming, so naturally we start thinking of growth, change, etc.  He mentioned he might have normal hair by the summer (right now he has a pink mohawk). We've also been talking about looking for a summer job.  He is 5 months into his Suboxone wean.  Things are changing.  I think he is growing up...

We had an interesting funny little conversation a few days ago.  He told me that his Suboxone has a side effect of insomnia, something he has been struggling with for the past 2 years.  I said I know, I read the literature.  I told him I had given him all the information 2 years ago, but I guessed he wasn't in the right frame of mind to look at it.  He nodded knowingly.

My husband and I will be leaving on our trip in a few days.  Son2 has made us promise to let him know when we get there, check in regularly, etc.  Kinda funny to have the shoe on the other foot, but it feels very good to have some one worry about us for a change.