This is Mother's Day

On this Mother's Day I have something to say to families struggling with Addiction:

My son is graduating from college.  His first semester in college, he dove deep into heroin addiction.  It was a horrible experience, and I won't go into all the details now.  Five years of college, and he pulled himself together and is now graduating.

I'm not saying this to brag, to throw this in your face, or make any of you feel bad.  I'm tell you this, to let you know there is hope.  Everyone has a different story, every one of us has felt pain, and many continue to struggle.  So, I'm not going to blab on and on about how life is grand.

Just know, there is hope.  Don't give up.

And to all you mothers... Happy Mother's Day.  Your kids love you.

it's finally spring

I am pleased that spring has finally come to Wisconsin.

I am so excited to say that Son2 is graduating from college in a couple of weeks!

I don't know what the future will bring for him. I don't want to look back at all the crap that happened, I just want to enjoy this.  I don't want to think about other "stuff" going on in my life right now, I just want to be happy.

Congratulations to my son.  I am so proud of him.

Where I want to be...

This is where I want to be... Florida.  

But where I am is Wisconsin, big snowstorm yesterday, roads were a mess, a foot of snow in the driveway when we got home from work, and now today, piles as tall as me along the side....

I am really sick of winter. I think a lot of us are here.  

A couple more weeks and my husband I will be down in Florida for vacation.  I can hardly wait. 

On a side note, we saw Son2 and his fiance at my cousin's wedding last weekend.  It was nice to see her again, starting to get to know her. It's good.

Didn't see that coming...

Just when I think there are no more surprises, Son2 comes up with another one... keep reading, it's not what you think...

So he texted me a couple days ago and wanted to know if we were home from work, sounding like he wanted to talk.  In my mind, red alerts are going off, but I talked to him and he seemed fine, although a little mysterious.  At first I was afraid he was going to say he was using again, maybe some day that will NOT be the first thought in my head... Anyway, he wanted to get together so we could meet his new girlfriend.  Yeah, ok, we hadn't met her yet, he talks about her a lot, even though they've only been going out for about a month.

Last night, we meet for dinner, met his new girlfriend, C. She seems very nice, quiet, pretty, kind of artistic and "punk" like him.  We had dinner, talked, she is an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant, works a lot of hours, seems ok, from what I could tell.  So, then Son2 says they are engaged and they want to get married next year.

DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. I don't even know what to say, we just met her, I wish I knew her better, because I don't even know what to think.  We of course, gave our congratulations, lots of hugs and kisses and plans to meet family, etc.  

He seems happy, he seems sure. But I can't help but think of the other times he was head over heels in love, and then everything fell apart.  I do not want to see that again.  But, I will wipe that doubt off of my face, and be happy for them. He is older, wiser, and more mature. He is making this choice.

I wish them all of my best wishes and happiness.  And, I welcome her to our family with open arms. HIGH HOPES, that what I have.  And, remember, he is very happy.

Looks like I will have a new daughter-in-law! Very exciting!

Starting to feel better...

I haven't been blogging as often as I used to.  I try to keep up and read some of my favorites, but don't post often.  I guess I'm not sure what to write, not sure what my blog is about anymore.  This post, I guess is about me, not my son.

This winter has been tough on me. Today is cold, but at least it's sunny. I have had a low level virus of some kind since the holidays, and on top of that, I'm not happy at my job.  The stress weighs heavy on me, aches and pains, headaches, nausea on and off, lethargic.  ok, maybe I'm a little depressed.

You know it's easy to see what to do when it's someone else, things make so much more sense when you're looking from a distance.  I think I have finally decided what action to take.  I'm going to try to transfer to another department at work.  I've been in the same area for 15 years, and I'm burned out.  Time for a change.  Sounds simple, doesn't it?  But it took me a long time to get to that. Being miserable is comfortable in a weird way, it's a Known state.  Making a big change is Unknown, and that's scary.

BTW, I do believe that the addiction experience contributed to my burnout, even though the thick of it occurred a few years ago.

Another of my husband's friends passed away this past week. I'd already made up my mind, but thinking about that, really cemented my decision.  The guy was in his mid 60's, not yet retired, and wasn't really sick.  It was unexpected.  This is the 4th friend that my husband has lost in the past  year, all somewhere in their 60's.  All guys who didn't get to enjoy their retirement, enjoy their grandchildren,  even watch their children get married.

Life is too short and full of uncertainty. I do not want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. I don't want to dread going to work. I don't want my job to take over my life. I want to go home every night and leave work behind.  I want to enjoy hobbies, I want to take care of my body and my soul, and I want to enjoy my family.  You know what I really want?  I want to retire.  Kind of drastic though, maybe just a change first.

So, I'll make a change, go for it, right?  Take control of my life, can't rely on others to do that. Can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results, right?  Like I said, sounds so much easier when you're talking about someone else.

Happy guy

Son2 opening Christmas gifts

We talked to Son2 yesterday. He was in a good mood.  He started dating someone and was telling us about her.  He also was happy about his band's show on New Year's Eve.  He also says his Winterim course is going well.  So... life is good.

Pretty soon he will start his spring semester, and it sounds like it will be very busy.  Since he's hoping to graduate in May, he is taking a full load, planning to continue to work, and I believe he also has to hold a senior art exhibition and I'm sure he wants to continue with his band.  It's all very exciting, but I'm a little apprehensive about it all.  It's a lot, and although he's been doing well, I really don't know where his breaking point is.  

After all we've been through, I still worry.  I don't know if I will ever get past the fear of relapse.

I think I have a reputation at work of being a glass half empty sort of person.  Ok, so I've been in the dept for 15 years, and I think I'm just being realistic and honest, but I guess sometimes it comes off as being a pessamist.  Maybe I focus on the negative a little too much.  I also think my experience with Addiction in the family has changed my perspective.

Today, though I'm glad Son2 is happy.  He looks happy, doesn't he?

Another December, Another year....

Son2 had a birthday a couple weeks ago, he is 23 now.  We didn't see him for his birthday, which was a little weird, because of finals. But if all goes well, this will be the last year finals will get in the way of his birthday.  He is hoping to graduate in May.  I am hopefully optimistic about this, and as some of you know, he's come a long way.  It feels good to be looking forward to college graduation.

Christmas is over and lots of time with family. The weeks before Christmas were hectic and I have to say I was relieved when all of that was over.  I've been off work since and it felt pretty good to relax and not do much, low stress... Son2 was here for a few days, hung out and slept a lot. He also went to speak at his outpatient group.  He keeps in touch with his drug counselor, and comes back to speak every once in a while.  It is a good thing.

Son2's punk band has their first paying gig tonight, New Year's Eve.  He is pretty excited and  it's nice to see him so involved, having friends, being organized, having success in what he does.

I had kind of a rough year at work.  I was promoted about a year and a half ago, and after this past year, I was seriously thinking that was a mistake.  The stress and workload was immense (to me), and I wanted out.  I guess I don't handle stress well. I was on a project that took a big toll on me, and I guess I just burned out.  So... anyway, can't figure out what to do. I am in my 50's and the thought of looking for a new job scares the crap out of me.  I can't retire yet either, financially not a good idea. I started high blood pressure meds last summer, doctor said do what I can about reducing stress.  I will be working in a little different area after New Year's, so we'll see how that goes.

All of this has been rolling around in my head while I've been home the last few days.  Today, I ran across this quote, and it gave me a lift.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  --Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy New Year to all, bring on 2013!!