A couple of sad things...

Last week my grandma passed away. She was 98.  This was a tough loss, we were close and she lived such a long life, I was starting to think she was going to live forever.  It seemed an easy passing... she just gradually started sleeping more and more, until she finally didn't wake up... and then after a couple of days, just slipped away.   I helped my mom some, she had a lot on her plate, and I was worried about her handling all of it.  But she really obsessed over all the details, wanted everything done right, and the funeral was beautiful.  Imagine a cemetery in the heart of Wisconsin farmland, up on a hill, overlooking the fields, on a windy but sunny autumn day, with leaves falling and quiet rustling, sun shimmering through the trees.  It gave me peace.

Yesterday Tony broke up with K.  She was devastated.  I guess I wasn't completely surprised. He talked a little last week like he wasn't feeling the same about her, things had changed and he felt he was wanting to move on.  I am crushed, I love that girl.

So, this is the new Tony.  Tony free of all drugs and medication.  He is focused and no longer paralyzed by indecision.  He's organized and staying busy.  Keeping track of his time, working and going to school.

Gone is the little boy, blond and chubby cheeked, happy and carefree.

Gone is the drug addict, depressed and desperate.

Gone is the dependent, unsure, drifter.

Now that those Tony's are gone, I'm not sure who is the new Tony.... someone I want to get to know better.  He is someone new, someone different.  Maybe he is someone who can actually look ahead and figure out what he wants.  His past has shaped this new Tony, in ways that I don't always understand.  I'm not sure what to make of new Tony yet.  He buys guns, breaks up with his girlfriend, talks about joining the military, not sure who his friends are...  don't know what to think.

I am sad because I love K.

But I feel this is another milestone. He is leaving that old Tony behind with K I think.  He needs to move forward... I guess there was just too much SH*^%)&*T in their shared past.

Tread carefully, my boy...

Catching up

Ok, it's been a while, and I just was trying to catch up on the blogs I usually follow.  I realize I've missed you guys... my fellow bloggers...

I've been busy... at work, and with more trips to Florida.  It was a lot of work, but we're glad we now have a vacation home!!  We are so happy with our new place and looking forward to a lot of future leisure time there.

Tony is doing very well I think.  The semester is well under way, and in spite of taking more credits than usual and working more than usual, he is doing better than usual.  In fact he had a couple of exams yesterday and said he did very well.  K says she'll believe it when she sees the grade... I don't blame her for that, he doesn't have a stellar track record.  But, he sounds good, he says he is doing well managing his time, and in spite of being super busy, doesn't sound that stressed.  He's tired, but in a normal, every day life, has too much to do way, not in a side effects from medication or drug use way.

Of course I worry and I am wary.  He's off Suboxone, and I keep thinking without that safety net, how much "life" can he take before that one more thing happens that pushes him over the edge.  He's pushing himself... that's unusual.  He's managing his time... that is also unusual... he's never been good at that.  He's been making his own decisions, despite our advice, the gun, and now a new kitten.  Both items he thought about for a long time before deciding.  Is it possible that... now that he is really healthy... he is starting to mature??  I know he is technically an adult, but I think he is actually starting to act like one.  I can only hope he continues down this path.

My other son....

Just been catching up on blogs after a couple weeks off... This has been on my mind...

My older son is 25 now... He just bought a new car, with his own money, got the loan on his own, picked it out with his wife.  He's got a good job and a condo for him and his wife. We are still helping them pay for their first car (a wedding gift), but that will end within 6 months, and they will be completely independent financially.  Very proud of him.

I can't tell you how hard it is NOT to compare him to my younger son, Tony.  Even without addiction in the family, that's a difficult thing, not to compare children.  I've tried NOT to for the last 21 years.  They are each individuals, with their own personality, own path, own choices.

Tony was the youngest, always following his older brother, B.  He heard all about his brother, his successes with his grades, sports, etc.  B was charming, he was popular, a "good" kid. Tony was very young when we had to juggle our own kids and my husband's failing parents, through their passings.  Tony was entering high school, when B decided to marry at 19, so Tony had to listen to all the fuss over that for quite a while.  I was on a huge project at work during Tony's junior and senior year of high school.  All of these things distracted us as parents from him. He experimented with alcohol and drugs, pushed boundaries, tested limits, things that B never did.

All kinds of things run through my mind, excuses, reasons... still... even after all of these months working on my own recovery.

Compare my two sons?  Sure, I can't help it.  They are different, but you know... I kind of like that.  Each of them can be happy and successful in life in their own way.

This photo horrified me when I first saw it, Tony lighting B's birthday cake candle with his heroin tattoo in full view.  Yup, they are different alright!

Milestone, and another new day

Today is the first day of the rest of Tony's life.  And it marks TWO years of sobriety.

Seems like a big milestone to me.  Two years represents a long time, struggles, hard work, ups and downs. We're proud of him.  I think if he can stay clean for two years, he can stay clean for the rest of his life.

But, I think most of us know that it isn't that easy.  He has a lot of challenges ahead, hopefully finishing college, and figuring out how to make a living, to name a couple.  All of this is hard enough for most people, but for him and all recovering addicts, life has taken a detour and is difficult to get back on, and stay on the right track.

BTW, he is celebrating this milestone by going target shooting with his new gun.  GRRRRR.

I did talk to him about the gun purchase.  I told him he would be contributing more financially than he had in the past.  I won't be protecting his Savings anymore, he will have to use it until it's gone, and work more hours if necessary.  I know this is going to be difficult with school, but I think he can do it, and I know I can't baby him.

He surprised me (again), by telling me he's been contemplating joining the military (Marines).  I think the  Marines would crush his gentle soul, and I told him that, after asking politely if I could offer my opinion. I'm not sure if he's serious, we'll see.  Again, this is way out of my comfort zone.  Of course it is NOT my life, and these are his choices... (sigh...)

Note to self: Momma knows all...

So, just cuz the kid is clean, doesn't mean he's not stupid.

Ok, that was pretty harsh, but I'm still pretty mad.  Yesterday I discovered that Son2, aka Tony, bought himself a gun, of all things. I know he's wanted one for a long time. He's known since a small child, that I detest guns, and that I would never approve.  So, on top of that, he doesn't have that kind of money.  We've been helping him with school, rent, gas, groceries, and he's been chipping in this summer since he's been working part time.  He's not making enough to buy a gun, so he took 2/3 of his savings to buy it. The Savings, that I have been protecting for him... guess that was stupid of me, should have taken it long ago in return for all the cash he stole, wasted tuition for classes he flunked, etc, etc, etc.

He must have forgotten that I still have access to his accounts online, or else he didn't care if I found out, or maybe he thought I wouldn't notice right away, and he would have a chance to tell me.  Regardless, I blasted him with texts when I was very angry, probably shouldn't have done that.  After a few minutes, I texted him that we would talk when I calmed down, I think that will be tomorrow night.

I think we will have to ask him to contribute a set amount every month financially.  I haven't discussed it all through with H, but think there must be consequences of some kind for this.  So, he will have to work, more hours if necessary. And if he can't come up with it, maybe we will have to confiscate the gun or something.  Just thoughts at this point...

And another thing, technically this is a lie... a lie of omission... after I calm down about the gun, then I will get mad about that too.

ok, I'm really mad, but .... it's kind of nice to be mad about something that has nothing to do with drugs, at least I hope it doesn't.  I mean, I'm hoping this is what it is, and doesn't have anything to do with him going off of Suboxone.  It's kind of hard to explain, but I almost think this is a new version of Tony, or is it old Tony, using Tony, or just Tony off of Suboxone?

On a lighter note, the kid can still make me chuckle.  He posted this on his FB wall after my text blast, "Note to self: Momma knows all"

Husbands will surprise you too

Yesterday I got an email from my husband while at work.  A co worker of his was bragging about not needing all of her pain medication after oral surgery.  H was very concerned about the leftovers, and was explaining to her that she should dispose of them properly so they would not fall into the wrong hands. He emailed to ask me where that drop off location was.

I haven't posted much about my husband.  He has his own way of dealing with our son's addiction and recovery.  He went to one or two Al-anon meetings with me a couple of years ago, will read a link to an interesting article or post if I send it to him.  I have books laying around on addiction and recovery, but I have never seen him even pick one up.

He will always listen when I talk, and will engage in discussion if I ask him what he thinks.  He is supportive to Tony, and has always been a wonderful father.  But,I get the impression he thinks he can get through this by himself, doesn't need any help...

So, just when I'm wondering if he really is listening, or will ever take a stand on this, he does this. He did his own little part to keep a narcotic off the street.  Guess he was paying attention.  :)

Feeling better...

Although he says he is not 100%, Tony says he is feeling much better.  Still having trouble sleeping, but even that is better, as well as the aches and pains and stomach trouble.

Spent some time with K this morning while Tony was in Group.  It's always good to get her perspective or interpretation of how things are going.  So, if I ask Tony about his mood, I always want to ask her too, since she is up close and personal.  Sounds better, but moods are still up and down.  Too bad she couldn't be with him for the worst of it, he had to spend one or two nights alone. But maybe that's ok, he fought that fight alone, and won the battle.  Gotta make him feel good about himself.