parental criticism...

My folks came to visit yesterday... nice and quiet visit, steak on the grill, lots of time to catch up, sit outside and relax.

Of course the subject came up of Son2. I told them how well I thought he was doing, and that his grades came out pretty good.  So, my dad had to say something... He said that if we cut him off from financial support for college, that would teach him to get good grades (or something like that).  Why does that man make me so darn defensive!?!  So, of course, he doesn't really get it, comes from a different generation, where threats were used often.  And, I know my husband and I are proud of Son2... he managed to succeed in college despite his struggles.  And, duh... I would NOT have continued to support that if he was still using, I am NOT (despite past history) a complete idiot.

I haven't told my parents much of anything about Son2 and K's relationship troubles.  They adore (as do I) K and have taken the stance that if anything happens between them, it would be all Son2's fault.  We had been talking about my nephew's recent engagement, and my dad doesn't think much of the kid, and never will give him the benefit of the doubt.  I myself have been critical of my nephew, because I was never sure how much he knew and didn't say about Son2's drug use.  But I don't know the facts, so I feel I must keep an open mind.  My dad is judgemental, it's black or white with him.

My dad couldn't even (has not yet) congratulate or tell me he was proud of me for getting the promotion.  All he could say was how come you have to work harder and not get any extra compensation.

Ok, so basically this post is about my dad and how he makes me feel.  I will never live up... neither will Son2. What can I do?  It's hard not to take all of it to heart.

milestones...

I was going to post that it was my birthday this week, a year older, a year wiser, etc... It was a nice birthday, nice gifts, also my 15 year service anniversary at work, nice recognition for that.

The milestone I really want to mention, is that Son2 got his grades and he got all B's or better.  Ok, so he only ended up with 3 classes this semester, but I can't even think how long it's been since he did this well in school.  I don't even remember him getting grades like this in high school (or maybe I can't remember that far back).  He certainly hasn't worked this hard, truly actually tried to do well, in several years.  This is significant, and I am very proud of him.

He also started his new job, serving at a fancy place where they hold weddings and other events.  He said it was best first day ever.  He even spilled a glass of water and had to totally reset an entire table, and said he didn't even get upset, just asked "just tell me how to fix this" and did it.

He continues to do his step work, he is just starting step 5, please someone remind me what that is.  He has now an additional sponsor, in addition to Angel.  He has asked a family friend of K's, a pastor, to be his spiritual sponsor.  I am glad to hear that.  I respect this man, and I think this will be a good thing.  Son2 also has been working on the first step with his sponsee.  He says he's doing the first step along WITH his sponsee, so he's going through that again too.

He also goes to Group (after care) once a week, and meets with the addiction counselor one on one once in a while too.  He sees the addiction doctor once every couple of months, he continues to wean off of Suboxone.  It's kinda weird, he says it's like having a monthly period.  Every month he gets crabby for a few days after he changes his dose.

I'm not sure how often, but it sounds like he attends NA meetings maybe two or three times a week.

He works hard at his recovery.  It's part of life for him.  He will mostly work his new job on the weekends, so I think he is planning on spending time this summer working with his sponsors and sponsee. He's trying to be more independent, K has not moved back in yet... not sure what's going on there.

It should be an interesting summer...

the semester is over...

So, it's over.  Son2 withdrew from the problem class, and managed to get B or better in his other classes, all studios. I'm proud of him, so proud... this is his best college semester yet... a couple years ago, I didn't know if he should even BE in college.  He should be proud too, he worked really hard for this.

I think he is satisfied with himself for that.  But, he is distracted again, with his relationship with K.  It doesn't sound like she wants to move back in with him.  They have been dating, but living apart.  He doesn't like it.  I think she doesn't want to move back in because she is afraid it will be like it was before, the same codependent thing.  Of course, he promises it won't be, but can I really blame her for not believing him?  I'm guessing she feels responsible, and doesn't think that it's fair.  Well, of course it's not fair.  She is not responsible for his sobriety, and we all know that, but saying it and believing it are different things.  He is losing patience with her, she can't commit, doesn't want to move in, can't even say if she wants to be with him.  I told him, he needs to prove to himself and to her, that he can live his recovery without her, and I don't know how long that will take.  Sad, sad, sad, but he's working on it, and only time will tell.

On a different note, I miss my other son.  Us bloggers, we don't often talk much about our other kids. I saw Son1 on Mother's Day, he brought me flowers and hung out with us and Son2 and K.  We don't see Son1 much, he is busy with his life, his wife, job, friends, etc.  He lives 20 minutes away.  He is independent, isn't that a good thing?  He also doesn't see his brother much, in fact I think they only see each other at family events.  I don't want to think he is ashamed of his brother, but the thought has crossed my mind.

And finally, I'm tired and sick.  I've been putting in some long hours at work on a big project with a lot of stress.  It's finally taken it's toll, and I got sick, sinus infection.  Forced me to stay home today, where I still managed to put a half day's work in.  So, I'm a little whiny, and it's times like this when it's hard to be hopeful about anything.

Actually, I got nothin' to complain about.  Both my boys are doing fine... it's just ME having a bad day.

Stuff happens

Ron's posts often hit me right at home.  Son2 is really experiencing life... and all the problems and day to day "stuff" that we all have to deal with.

He is not doing well in one of his classes. In the past, when this has happened, he basically ignored the issue until it was too late to drop and then ended up failing.  This of course, has damaged his gpa almost beyond repair, but he has avoided getting kicked out, finally got off of probation, and this time, is actually trying to figure out what to do.  He told me the other day he has to figure out if he should drop or if he can salvage his grade by studying like crazy.  hmmmm... sounds like a plan to me.  He actually told me he had to make this decision himself, and act like a human, actually act like a grown up.

The other life lesson, that just happened today, was that he cut his hand in art class today, working on a project, his metals class, I'm guessing.  I've been extremely busy at work, long hours, lots of meetings, etc, etc.  Anyway, when he called, I was going into a meeting and so couldn't answer, but texted him to ask what was up. He was already on his way to health service.  I couldn't really do anything anyway, but we spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, me in several meetings, and him at health service, then HIM calling the insurance company, then to the ER, then to get a stitch and a tetanus shot.  He sure seemed to have it all under control, but I asked for a text pic anyway.  Just one stitch, but the wound did look pretty deep.  So now, he has to spend the next week keeping it dry and not over extending it.  Not easy when he has art project work to finish by the end of the semester.  I told him to do his best.  He told me not to worry, he would do what he had to do.

Good Friday

Son2 gave me permission to post some of his art work.  I don't know if I mentioned, he is an art major in college.  A lot of his work has to do with his recovery.  Above is a hand made book of his which he was proud to say was recently included in a show.  The cover came from a print he made from the early days, it's pretty dark, I don't know if you can see it's a guy without a head.  Yeah, much of his early work is dark, those were black days for him.  Anyway, the rest of the pages contain print images of "drug" stuff, representing the lost years.  It's powerful, and hard for his dad and I to look at, really.

Son2 was here this week again for Group on Friday and a one-on-one appointment with his drug counselor.  I was off work for the holiday so I tagged along to check with the Center regarding insurance.  I met a few of his group members, and then he invited me to sit in on his one-on-one.  I wasn't expecting that, after all that was "his" time and I knew he needed to talk through some stuff.  I'm so glad I had that opportunity.  I have to say I am so thankful for this counselor, I'll call him "D".  30 years of experience, and the guy surely knows how to get to the meat of it.  He doesn't let my son get away with anything.  He cuts to the chase, and puts reality right in front of him.  The greatest thing is that Son2 is receiving all of that very well.  He is open to change, and advice and has a great deal of respect for D.  He says he can't BS D, can't fool him, and he likes that.  WOW, I think he is growing up... growing... evolving...

Kids... they WILL surprise you

I had a long phone conversation with Son2 a few days ago, and he said that he and K were working through some things.  They sat down and each made a list of what they want, and came to find out that they had so much more in common on their lists than not.  They still love each other, and still want to maintain the relationship.  So, what is the problem then?  Well... it sounds like they are realizing that they jumped into things a bit too quickly a couple years back, and missed that normal relationship building, dating, etc.  Uhhhh... when I told my husband, he actually burst out laughing.  This would be in the "I tried to tell you" category.  We certainly felt that at the time.  When they first got together, I felt so uneasy about it.  It was a terrible time in his life, confessing his addiction to us, and then starting a relationship with someone at the same time?

So, they are trying to back up, not an easy thing to do, and it will take a lot of work and commitment from both of them.  She is going to move out for a month, they will "date", they will keep the apartment, the third roommate will move out for good, and K will move back in after a month.  At that time, they plan to each have their own "space" in the apartment.  They will each have the opportunity to have their own room, so that is probably a good thing.

They seem to think it is worth all of this, and I have to give them credit for trying.  I suggested counseling, and Son2 liked the idea.  He is a little skeptical about how things will be when she comes back, but I told him there are never any guarantees, and to take it as it comes.

So... K is NOT out of the picture.  Personally, I am glad.  I hope things work out.

Heartbroken...

Well, Son2 took the engagement ring back.  Just happened on Saturday, and then he came home to stay with us overnight.  He went back Sunday to talk to K... thought they should decide what to do.  Their lease is up in a few weeks, so now is the time to make some hard choices.

I had a brief text exchange with him today... he said he was ok, but no decisions had been made yet.

I am so sad... for Son2, and for our family.