My son is an addict

It's just life...

2012-02-12T18:20:00.000-06:00

I feel a little better. Truly... I'm glad to have these kinds of issues. Its just life, and I'm grateful that I have the luxury of complaining about myself.

Son2 is doing fine. I am back to calling him Son2. I have been re-thinking calling him by name in my blog, since Barbara brought it up. I don't know, but I guess it would be prudent to go back to calling him Son2.

I mean, he went on local tv, on camera, and gave his first and last name and said he was a recovering heroin addict, and he knows I blog about him, and he's ok with that.

I used to keep the whole thing very secret. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt like we, our whole family, were scum, and didn't want anyone to find out. Drug addicts have such a bad rep, tv and celebs don't help. I came to accept Son2 has a disease, but so many others don't see it that way. I rejoice in his progress, I'm so proud of him for what he has done in recovery. But even his own family members, I won't say who, look down on him.

After Son2 went on tv, I've talked about it with more people. A lot of people won't say anything, won't bring it up, ask how he's doing, or even ask how we're doing. My own extended family and friends, act like nothing happened, and I don't believe that none of them saw the piece on tv. Those that did talk to me about it after it aired, really touched my heart. So, I talk to people about it if they ask me about it, but I don't bring it up unless it comes up.

Should I be able to talk about this freely as if my Son2 had any other disease? How he's doing, how the treatment is going, etc. But it's not that easy... it's not the same, is it?

So, I guess on the blog, I will be a little more careful. Anonymous, seems like a little bit of a cop out, though, you know what I mean? I'm trying not to be ashamed, but that's something I still struggle with. So, what do I call it? shame? call it being careful? call it protecting our family's privacy?

This is kind of a rambling post... but I'm really struggling with this idea.

What now.... ?

2012-02-06T18:17:00.001-06:00

Tony is doing ok, I guess. His relationship with K seems on and off, truly, I don't know for sure what is going on right now. She graduated, and will be going to grad school next fall. What will happen between them I don't know, and have kind of stopped trying to figure it out.

Second semester is under way, he is taking a full class load and working weekends. He's still going to meetings and working the steps. He's done with his weekly After Care, so he doesn't come home Thursday nights anymore. I kind of miss that. We went to see him a couple of weeks ago to take him out for dinner and see how he was doing. The apartment was a pig stye but he seemed to be ok. It was all I could do not to start cleaning, but even he said, I am not responsible for that.

As far as me, I don't know... I think I have the winter blues, or something. Plus I am feeling a lot of pressure at work. I'm on a big project and am performing a pretty important role. At least it feels important, and I am scared to screw up, thus the stress. New role, new boss, big project, it adds up to tension headaches, not sleeping well, shoulder and neck pain. Add on a few age related health issues, and I am not sitting in a very good place.

How much do you think addiction has changed you? I mean has it changed the way you deal with life's difficulties? Right now, my sons are ok. Family is ok. So, why can't I relax? Why don't I feel better than this?

I have to laugh a little

2012-01-09T19:56:00.001-06:00

So last week Tony was here, it was the middle of the night and something woke me up. I heard his bedroom door close and figured he couldn't sleep or just plain likes to stay up late. Then I got a whiff of something... Sulfuric... I have smelled this before a couple years back when a certain renter was living next door. My husband and I had always theorized it was meth. But I didn't think of that. Right away I lept to the conclusion that it was Tony. I lay in bed trying to decide how to confront him, feeling sick and sniffing the air to be sure of what I was smelling. I pondered if I should wake up my husband and then I heard something... Voices. At first I thought they were coming from Tony's room or that he was outside, but then I recognized the voices and the banter. Our neighbors and the former renter come to visit. "you suck" "no, you suck" "you really suck" "no, you really suck!" etc, etc, etc. You know the non-rational, inane arguments that drunk/high people have.Of course, Tony was in bed, and if he was still awake, was probably greatly amused. H and I had a good chuckle in the morning, he had heard them too. I couldn't admit what I had been thinking... Sigh... Two more things I have to mention. Tony got his grades, 3 A's and 2 B's. These are the best grades he has ever received. No dropped classes and a full load. He's got to be so proud of himself, I know we are. The other thing is that After Care is ending. He had been going once every couple weeks or so still, but they finally are cutting him loose. I guess it's time, I hate to think he was taking someone's spot who really needs the help. So that's one more thing to leave by the wayside, another safety net to put aside. It makes me uneasy, but then, I'm not the one driving, am I?

Peace.

2011-12-24T11:49:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas to you and yours. My wish for you all is Serenity, Courage and Wisdom...

and... I hope you can share this time with those you love.

Peace.

My son is 22 today...

2011-12-11T09:37:00.001-06:00

Today is Tony's birthday, he is 22. We saw him yesterday and took him his gifts. He looks good, I guess. Different though. He was quiet. It's the end of the semester and he really has to focus for another couple of weeks, then he can relax. We also got to see K. She went out to lunch with us. I felt uncomfortable, it seemed awkward... didn't seem right to me. But, we let them lead the way, if they want to continue to be room mates, they will have to get along, and they seem to be. K was animated, excited about graduation (she will graduate with honors next week), and catching us up on all her news. She even engaged Tony in the conversation and it turned out to be a very nice visit. They were acting like good friends and room mates, not estranged lovers. If what we saw yesterday was really true, they have been one of the only couples I have ever known that could really go from being in a deeply involved relationship, to "just friends". She gave Tony a birthday present, and we are exchanging Christmas gifts with her and will include her in our holiday. Both of them are going to celebrate New Year's with us in Florida. We made sure it was ok with Tony, and were surprised when she accepted the invitation.

So, I don't know for sure what is going on between them... it's none of my business, really. But I can speculate that neither one of them wants the other one out of their life. They've been through a lot together, and it's been quite a journey. They are tied to each other. I hope they will maintain this connection always, but of course I have a personal relationship with both of them, so that's selfish on my part.

Where it gets weirder, is that Tony is interested in another girl and K knows it. I don't know very much about it except that he met her at work. I think he is trying to date her, but not sure he is being successful. I have no idea if she knows he's a recovering addict. I haven't had a chance to ask him about her, and frankly, I'm still dealing with the break up and I'm not ready for this.

So, it continues to be a challenge to be Tony's mom. I have a few friends and acquaintances that are expecting and often those of us with older kids give advice. I don't even know what to say anymore, except kids will surprise you, and you can't plan out their lives, because they have their own minds. And you certainly can't control who they will love. Love your kids, and make sure they know it.

BTW, Tony started up step work again. I think he is on Step 5 now... "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

And also, the high school principal got in touch with us. He had seen Tony's piece on tv and wanted to get in touch with him about coming and talking to a small group of students. Tony said he was interested but I don't know if they have arranged it yet. This will be hard for him. He doesn't have good memories of that place, but this could be a real opportunity to make a difference. At risk kids are a tough crowd, but it seems like someone who has been in their shoes may be able to get through. Ron: I would love to hear your thoughts...

blues...

2011-12-03T09:49:00.001-06:00

It's Saturday... I don't have to work, it's rainy, cold, chance of snow later, I have things to do, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Another craft sale, christmas shopping, holiday party... I am just not in the mood. I am boycotting my favorite oldies radio station because they started playing christmas music a month ago. It's dark when I get up in the morning and dark when I drive home from work. So many ads to buy buy buy... stuff we don't need and can't afford.

Yup, it's depressing. That's early December for ya.

Tony seems to be pulling away... I guess he's really busy, getting towards the end of the semester, projects due, exams, plus he's trying to work every weekend. I don't know what's going on with K, he says they haven't had time to talk.

So, it's been three years... and he is acting independent... finally. I guess. Not coming home as much, not texting as often, not quite as talkative when he's home. I gotta tell you, it feels weird, uncomfortable. Three years of intensity surrounding him, it's hard to let go of that. It gave me purpose, you know? I know in my head that this is what we strive for as parents, for our little birds to fly solo, but it feels funny to not be needed so much. Not to be included in every detail of his life anymore. Yeah, it hurts a little.

It's hard to admit that... I get accused (behind my back they think) of being an overly involved and overly protective parent. Guilty, I guess. I've seen worse. I'd like to think I know when to back off. And maybe now is the time for Tony. He has a birthday coming up in a couple weeks, he will be 22.

So, interestingly enough... we have seen my older son and his wife twice this week. That's nice. We have a much different relationship, more mature. They only live 20 minutes away but we go sometimes a couple weeks without connecting. They have their own lives.

ok, on to the shopping season...

Peace.

Three Years ago...

2011-11-28T08:25:00.001-06:00

Lately I've been distant from blogs. Been busy, you know... and stuff...

Three years ago on Thanksgiving our nightmare began, our son told us he was a heroin addict. A lot of water under the bridge since then, now he's been clean for a couple of years, since July he's off all medication and we're all trying to get used to "New Tony".

Most everyone was home for Thanksgiving, it was great to see all the family. Tony was distant and quiet. He's been so busy, and now his relationship with K is up in the air. (He is having second thoughts about the break up.) He's been working and taking a full load of classes, and he is passing all his classes, and for the first time it looks like he will get through the semester without dropping or flunking a class. He is focused and intense, serious.

So... I don't know if this is normal. Something didn't feel right to me... but then, I don't know what right feels like anymore. I told H yesterday, I don't know if I will every get over this. I still feel like I'm on alert, like I'm afraid to relax, afraid to be happy.

We bought a condo in Florida, a vacation home. I love it there, it's peaceful, warm and sunny. A nice retreat for us to escape to. I am uncomfortable telling our friends and family about it. It makes me feel guilty. Why? We worked hard for it. But, don't feel deserving, and I certainly don't want to flaunt it.

Yeah, this journey is not over, I have a long ways to go. Blogging helps, I should have remembered that sooner. Thanks to all.

A couple of sad things...

2011-10-19T20:09:00.000-05:00

Last week my grandma passed away. She was 98. This was a tough loss, we were close and she lived such a long life, I was starting to think she was going to live forever. It seemed an easy passing... she just gradually started sleeping more and more, until she finally didn't wake up... and then after a couple of days, just slipped away. I helped my mom some, she had a lot on her plate, and I was worried about her handling all of it. But she really obsessed over all the details, wanted everything done right, and the funeral was beautiful. Imagine a cemetery in the heart of Wisconsin farmland, up on a hill, overlooking the fields, on a windy but sunny autumn day, with leaves falling and quiet rustling, sun shimmering through the trees. It gave me peace.

Yesterday Tony broke up with K. She was devastated. I guess I wasn't completely surprised. He talked a little last week like he wasn't feeling the same about her, things had changed and he felt he was wanting to move on. I am crushed, I love that girl.

So, this is the new Tony. Tony free of all drugs and medication. He is focused and no longer paralyzed by indecision. He's organized and staying busy. Keeping track of his time, working and going to school.

Gone is the little boy, blond and chubby cheeked, happy and carefree.

Gone is the drug addict, depressed and desperate.

Gone is the dependent, unsure, drifter.

Now that those Tony's are gone, I'm not sure who is the new Tony.... someone I want to get to know better. He is someone new, someone different. Maybe he is someone who can actually look ahead and figure out what he wants. His past has shaped this new Tony, in ways that I don't always understand. I'm not sure what to make of new Tony yet. He buys guns, breaks up with his girlfriend, talks about joining the military, not sure who his friends are... don't know what to think.

I am sad because I love K.

But I feel this is another milestone. He is leaving that old Tony behind with K I think. He needs to move forward... I guess there was just too much SH*^%)&*T in their shared past.

Tread carefully, my boy...

Catching up

2011-09-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's been a while, and I just was trying to catch up on the blogs I usually follow. I realize I've missed you guys... my fellow bloggers...

I've been busy... at work, and with more trips to Florida. It was a lot of work, but we're glad we now have a vacation home!! We are so happy with our new place and looking forward to a lot of future leisure time there.

Tony is doing very well I think. The semester is well under way, and in spite of taking more credits than usual and working more than usual, he is doing better than usual. In fact he had a couple of exams yesterday and said he did very well. K says she'll believe it when she sees the grade... I don't blame her for that, he doesn't have a stellar track record. But, he sounds good, he says he is doing well managing his time, and in spite of being super busy, doesn't sound that stressed. He's tired, but in a normal, every day life, has too much to do way, not in a side effects from medication or drug use way.

Of course I worry and I am wary. He's off Suboxone, and I keep thinking without that safety net, how much "life" can he take before that one more thing happens that pushes him over the edge. He's pushing himself... that's unusual. He's managing his time... that is also unusual... he's never been good at that. He's been making his own decisions, despite our advice, the gun, and now a new kitten. Both items he thought about for a long time before deciding. Is it possible that... now that he is really healthy... he is starting to mature?? I know he is technically an adult, but I think he is actually starting to act like one. I can only hope he continues down this path.

My other son....

2011-09-04T09:16:00.001-05:00

Just been catching up on blogs after a couple weeks off... This has been on my mind...

My older son is 25 now... He just bought a new car, with his own money, got the loan on his own, picked it out with his wife. He's got a good job and a condo for him and his wife. We are still helping them pay for their first car (a wedding gift), but that will end within 6 months, and they will be completely independent financially. Very proud of him.

I can't tell you how hard it is NOT to compare him to my younger son, Tony. Even without addiction in the family, that's a difficult thing, not to compare children. I've tried NOT to for the last 21 years. They are each individuals, with their own personality, own path, own choices.

Tony was the youngest, always following his older brother, B. He heard all about his brother, his successes with his grades, sports, etc. B was charming, he was popular, a "good" kid. Tony was very young when we had to juggle our own kids and my husband's failing parents, through their passings. Tony was entering high school, when B decided to marry at 19, so Tony had to listen to all the fuss over that for quite a while. I was on a huge project at work during Tony's junior and senior year of high school. All of these things distracted us as parents from him. He experimented with alcohol and drugs, pushed boundaries, tested limits, things that B never did.

All kinds of things run through my mind, excuses, reasons... still... even after all of these months working on my own recovery.

Compare my two sons? Sure, I can't help it. They are different, but you know... I kind of like that. Each of them can be happy and successful in life in their own way.

This photo horrified me when I first saw it, Tony lighting B's birthday cake candle with his heroin tattoo in full view. Yup, they are different alright!

Milestone, and another new day

2011-08-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of the rest of Tony's life. And it marks TWO years of sobriety.

Seems like a big milestone to me. Two years represents a long time, struggles, hard work, ups and downs. We're proud of him. I think if he can stay clean for two years, he can stay clean for the rest of his life.

But, I think most of us know that it isn't that easy. He has a lot of challenges ahead, hopefully finishing college, and figuring out how to make a living, to name a couple. All of this is hard enough for most people, but for him and all recovering addicts, life has taken a detour and is difficult to get back on, and stay on the right track.

BTW, he is celebrating this milestone by going target shooting with his new gun. GRRRRR.

I did talk to him about the gun purchase. I told him he would be contributing more financially than he had in the past. I won't be protecting his Savings anymore, he will have to use it until it's gone, and work more hours if necessary. I know this is going to be difficult with school, but I think he can do it, and I know I can't baby him.

He surprised me (again), by telling me he's been contemplating joining the military (Marines). I think the Marines would crush his gentle soul, and I told him that, after asking politely if I could offer my opinion. I'm not sure if he's serious, we'll see. Again, this is way out of my comfort zone. Of course it is NOT my life, and these are his choices... (sigh...)

Note to self: Momma knows all...

2011-08-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

So, just cuz the kid is clean, doesn't mean he's not stupid.

Ok, that was pretty harsh, but I'm still pretty mad. Yesterday I discovered that Son2, aka Tony, bought himself a gun, of all things. I know he's wanted one for a long time. He's known since a small child, that I detest guns, and that I would never approve. So, on top of that, he doesn't have that kind of money. We've been helping him with school, rent, gas, groceries, and he's been chipping in this summer since he's been working part time. He's not making enough to buy a gun, so he took 2/3 of his savings to buy it. The Savings, that I have been protecting for him... guess that was stupid of me, should have taken it long ago in return for all the cash he stole, wasted tuition for classes he flunked, etc, etc, etc.

He must have forgotten that I still have access to his accounts online, or else he didn't care if I found out, or maybe he thought I wouldn't notice right away, and he would have a chance to tell me. Regardless, I blasted him with texts when I was very angry, probably shouldn't have done that. After a few minutes, I texted him that we would talk when I calmed down, I think that will be tomorrow night.

I think we will have to ask him to contribute a set amount every month financially. I haven't discussed it all through with H, but think there must be consequences of some kind for this. So, he will have to work, more hours if necessary. And if he can't come up with it, maybe we will have to confiscate the gun or something. Just thoughts at this point...

And another thing, technically this is a lie... a lie of omission... after I calm down about the gun, then I will get mad about that too.

ok, I'm really mad, but .... it's kind of nice to be mad about something that has nothing to do with drugs, at least I hope it doesn't. I mean, I'm hoping this is what it is, and doesn't have anything to do with him going off of Suboxone. It's kind of hard to explain, but I almost think this is a new version of Tony, or is it old Tony, using Tony, or just Tony off of Suboxone?

On a lighter note, the kid can still make me chuckle. He posted this on his FB wall after my text blast, "Note to self: Momma knows all"

Husbands will surprise you too

2011-07-30T07:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got an email from my husband while at work. A co worker of his was bragging about not needing all of her pain medication after oral surgery. H was very concerned about the leftovers, and was explaining to her that she should dispose of them properly so they would not fall into the wrong hands. He emailed to ask me where that drop off location was.

I haven't posted much about my husband. He has his own way of dealing with our son's addiction and recovery. He went to one or two Al-anon meetings with me a couple of years ago, will read a link to an interesting article or post if I send it to him. I have books laying around on addiction and recovery, but I have never seen him even pick one up.

He will always listen when I talk, and will engage in discussion if I ask him what he thinks. He is supportive to Tony, and has always been a wonderful father. But,I get the impression he thinks he can get through this by himself, doesn't need any help...

So, just when I'm wondering if he really is listening, or will ever take a stand on this, he does this. He did his own little part to keep a narcotic off the street. Guess he was paying attention. :)

Feeling better...

2011-07-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

Although he says he is not 100%, Tony says he is feeling much better. Still having trouble sleeping, but even that is better, as well as the aches and pains and stomach trouble.

Spent some time with K this morning while Tony was in Group. It's always good to get her perspective or interpretation of how things are going. So, if I ask Tony about his mood, I always want to ask her too, since she is up close and personal. Sounds better, but moods are still up and down. Too bad she couldn't be with him for the worst of it, he had to spend one or two nights alone. But maybe that's ok, he fought that fight alone, and won the battle. Gotta make him feel good about himself.

OFF OF SUBOXONE!

2011-07-18T16:10:00.000-05:00

Tony has been off now since Wednesday, so, it's been 5 days. My husband and I were gone for the weekend, which made me uncomfortable, but... Tony convinced me to go, and I realized he had to do this alone. I was in touch by text, and I think the weekend was kind of rough. I won't go into all the gory details, but it sounded like the flu, and he had a couple bad nights. So yesterday, he texted me how he was feeling and I suggested maybe things were improving. He said he was on the downhill... so it sounds like the worst is over.

So, there he is now, no more safety net, exposed and naked. I will see him in a couple of days. It's scary... for me... I am feeling uneasy... hopeful... but very uneasy.

And something else... I was in touch with K... who left Tony alone one of those bad nights... she said he was acting so lethargic, and I suppose he was crabby too and not feeling well. She said it reminded her of how he was when he was using, and she found it very difficult to be around him. I felt bad about that, how much she has been hurt in all of this. I love her, and I know Tony does too.

He did have some medication to help with the symptoms. One of the drugs is a narcotic. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but K was in charge of that one. She decided the when and where and the dose and sounded like she kept it in her possession. I'm guessing that he was only prescribed enough to get through these symptoms and then that's done too.

So, I have time off this week, and I do so want to drive to see him, check up on him. He will be here in a couple of days, so I suppose I can wait.

Cold turkey it is...

2011-07-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

Tony (aka Son2) told us this week he has decided next Wednesday will be his last dose of Suboxone. He talked to his doctor today, and has an appointment with him next Thursday where they will decide what medicine to use for the withdrawal symptoms.

From what I understand the worst of it should be over in a couple of weeks, but it's hard to say. Everyone is different. He wants to do it this summer, while he is not in school.

This was totally his decision. Of course I'm concerned, I just was reading a blog about this very thing, and it doesn't sound fun, although it sounds much better than withdrawing from heroin. The blog's author also said he didn't really feel normal for 3-4 months or so.

Normal. What is that? I'm not sure I know what that looks like. Will he be happy? Will he be depressed? Will he use? Will he drink? Will he be an asshole? (excuse my language)

I'll be doing some more reading on this...

and he plans on staying in the apt with K during all of this, although I suggested that he come home for a few days if he wants to or needs to.

we're out in the open, and life goes on...

2011-07-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

The first part of this post is about Son2 (Tony) and his wean off of Suboxone. He told me this week that at last week's dr appointment, they talked about how to handle the last part of the wean. First choice is 6 more months of going down 1 mg at a time, it gets harder each month and he's gotta go through a few days of feeling sick each month, which he's already been doing. Second choice is cold turkey, which at the point the doctor says, would be comparable to dragging it out for 6 months. He said it's hard to say just how bad it would be or how long the symptoms would last. Before I could even say anything, Tony said that the second option made him very uncomfortable. No quick decision here, both options sound rough. I can't even give him any advice on this one, except that the cold turkey also scares me. Frankly, I'm scared to death of him going off at all, it feels like a safety net I'm afraid to cut away. But it's not my decision, and he sounds like he is considering carefully. It was his choice to to begin the wean in the first place, but of course I worry.

The second part of this post, is about reactions. I really didn't know what to expect for reactions to Tony going on tv and announcing he is a recovering heroin addict. Good thing I didn't have very long to worry about that. I'll start with my own reaction. I was quite disturbed about the way they opened the interview, with a shot of drug spoon, foil, syringe. I realize that was an eye catcher for their audience, but to me it just felt like a shot to the gut. Tony was amazing, serious, clear eyed. I was so proud of him. I haven't been able to watch the video again, not ready for that. Some day I will.

I had let a few people know about the interview before hand so they could watch, but most of them knew about Tony's addiction already.

When I think about all the people we know in this area, it's staggering. My husband grew up here, and has lots of friends, lots of hobbies and avenues for contacts in various ways, work, school, etc. We've lived here together for 25 years, so I have a lot of contacts through work, etc. as well. Plus, I have quite a bit of family up here, aunts and uncles, and lots and lots of cousins. So, with all of that, only a handful of people have reached out to us. Some old friends, parents of my older son's best friend as a child, wrote us a very nice note. A good friend of mine from work, a middle aged family guy with a daughter about Tony's age, came to me a couple of days ago and we had a nice talk. That was a difficult but much needed conversation, he left my cubicle with tears in his eyes. Well, that's it so far... I suspect a lot of people saw it, but maybe don't want to say anything.

I feel relieved that this has come out. And I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore. If there is one thing I learned in the past two and a half years, it's that I CAN LIVE WITH THIS.

that's my boy

2011-06-24T20:50:00.001-05:00

Son2 did an amazing thing this week. He went on tv and told his story. Kid's got guts, that's for sure.

Link------> Son2 on the news

I surely hope this will make a difference in our community.

So, the cat's out of the bag. Time for me to come clean now with people in my life. No more hiding from this.

My name is Lu Ann, aka Momma, and my son is an addict. My son's name is Tony.

I made a new friend...

2011-06-18T09:39:00.000-05:00

She is the new SO of a very old friend of my husband. They've been around a lot this summer, and she's not from around here, so it's been fun to show her our midwestern ways. She's from out east, has traveled a lot and is a very interesting person. I'll call her R.

This is significant because... well... I'm kind of a natural home body. My choice, I'd rather stay home then go out and party, and it's not exactly my thing to go out with the girls... in other words, I guess I don't have many close friends that I hang out with.

I mentioned to her a while back that I had a chair in the basement that I had been meaning to recover for about 15 years. She jumped on it and offered to help, pick out fabric, etc. She brought me swatches, evaluated the chair, helped me take it apart and measure the old fabric. Then we went to find new fabric and spent last weekend recovering. I don't imagine I'm the kind of girlfriend she's used to, I'm not cosmopolitan or sophisticated, don't wear a lot of jewelry or low cut outfits. I wear jeans whenever I can, and shorts. I sweat when I'm hot... well, you get the picture. But R is a very down to earth woman, she's real, and she's sweet, with a great sense of humor. Plus she is a woman's woman. She sticks up for herself and is self-assured.

I always loved this rocking chair... it was my grandma's (the one who is 97), I remember it from when I was a kid, then she gave it to me and I rocked my own babies. When we moved to the lake, it was all ripped and worn and went straight to the basement. The transformation absolutely thrilled me. There is something so rewarding about making something old new again. And it delights me how comfortable it is for me, no wonder I spent so much time rocking the boys in it. Long story short, it made me so happy.

So, last night I finished putting all the finishing tacks on the chair, wanted to show R before we went out shopping again today. I enjoy hanging out with her. It's amazing how fascinating Wisconsin can be to someone not from here. We always see ourselves as so normal and un-amazing.

I have a friend, someone to be myself with, where I'm not a mom, a wife, a daughter. I think this will be a nice summer.

My boys

2011-06-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

So, I couldn't resist because this pic is so great. This captures the essence of each of them, this is how I think of them, happy, joking around, having fun. The adults that they are today with a flash of "kid" still in them. I just love this.

That is Son2 on the left, and Son1 on the right. We were celebrating their dad's birthday, ice cream parlor after going out to dinner. It was a fun evening, and I was delighted that we were all together.

parental criticism...

2011-05-29T12:41:00.000-05:00

My folks came to visit yesterday... nice and quiet visit, steak on the grill, lots of time to catch up, sit outside and relax.

Of course the subject came up of Son2. I told them how well I thought he was doing, and that his grades came out pretty good. So, my dad had to say something... He said that if we cut him off from financial support for college, that would teach him to get good grades (or something like that). Why does that man make me so darn defensive!?! So, of course, he doesn't really get it, comes from a different generation, where threats were used often. And, I know my husband and I are proud of Son2... he managed to succeed in college despite his struggles. And, duh... I would NOT have continued to support that if he was still using, I am NOT (despite past history) a complete idiot.

I haven't told my parents much of anything about Son2 and K's relationship troubles. They adore (as do I) K and have taken the stance that if anything happens between them, it would be all Son2's fault. We had been talking about my nephew's recent engagement, and my dad doesn't think much of the kid, and never will give him the benefit of the doubt. I myself have been critical of my nephew, because I was never sure how much he knew and didn't say about Son2's drug use. But I don't know the facts, so I feel I must keep an open mind. My dad is judgemental, it's black or white with him.

My dad couldn't even (has not yet) congratulate or tell me he was proud of me for getting the promotion. All he could say was how come you have to work harder and not get any extra compensation.

Ok, so basically this post is about my dad and how he makes me feel. I will never live up... neither will Son2. What can I do? It's hard not to take all of it to heart.

milestones...

2011-05-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

I was going to post that it was my birthday this week, a year older, a year wiser, etc... It was a nice birthday, nice gifts, also my 15 year service anniversary at work, nice recognition for that.

The milestone I really want to mention, is that Son2 got his grades and he got all B's or better. Ok, so he only ended up with 3 classes this semester, but I can't even think how long it's been since he did this well in school. I don't even remember him getting grades like this in high school (or maybe I can't remember that far back). He certainly hasn't worked this hard, truly actually tried to do well, in several years. This is significant, and I am very proud of him.

He also started his new job, serving at a fancy place where they hold weddings and other events. He said it was best first day ever. He even spilled a glass of water and had to totally reset an entire table, and said he didn't even get upset, just asked "just tell me how to fix this" and did it.

He continues to do his step work, he is just starting step 5, please someone remind me what that is. He has now an additional sponsor, in addition to Angel. He has asked a family friend of K's, a pastor, to be his spiritual sponsor. I am glad to hear that. I respect this man, and I think this will be a good thing. Son2 also has been working on the first step with his sponsee. He says he's doing the first step along WITH his sponsee, so he's going through that again too.

He also goes to Group (after care) once a week, and meets with the addiction counselor one on one once in a while too. He sees the addiction doctor once every couple of months, he continues to wean off of Suboxone. It's kinda weird, he says it's like having a monthly period. Every month he gets crabby for a few days after he changes his dose.

I'm not sure how often, but it sounds like he attends NA meetings maybe two or three times a week.

He works hard at his recovery. It's part of life for him. He will mostly work his new job on the weekends, so I think he is planning on spending time this summer working with his sponsors and sponsee. He's trying to be more independent, K has not moved back in yet... not sure what's going on there.

It should be an interesting summer...

the semester is over...

2011-05-16T19:45:00.000-05:00

So, it's over. Son2 withdrew from the problem class, and managed to get B or better in his other classes, all studios. I'm proud of him, so proud... this is his best college semester yet... a couple years ago, I didn't know if he should even BE in college. He should be proud too, he worked really hard for this.

I think he is satisfied with himself for that. But, he is distracted again, with his relationship with K. It doesn't sound like she wants to move back in with him. They have been dating, but living apart. He doesn't like it. I think she doesn't want to move back in because she is afraid it will be like it was before, the same codependent thing. Of course, he promises it won't be, but can I really blame her for not believing him? I'm guessing she feels responsible, and doesn't think that it's fair. Well, of course it's not fair. She is not responsible for his sobriety, and we all know that, but saying it and believing it are different things. He is losing patience with her, she can't commit, doesn't want to move in, can't even say if she wants to be with him. I told him, he needs to prove to himself and to her, that he can live his recovery without her, and I don't know how long that will take. Sad, sad, sad, but he's working on it, and only time will tell.

On a different note, I miss my other son. Us bloggers, we don't often talk much about our other kids. I saw Son1 on Mother's Day, he brought me flowers and hung out with us and Son2 and K. We don't see Son1 much, he is busy with his life, his wife, job, friends, etc. He lives 20 minutes away. He is independent, isn't that a good thing? He also doesn't see his brother much, in fact I think they only see each other at family events. I don't want to think he is ashamed of his brother, but the thought has crossed my mind.

And finally, I'm tired and sick. I've been putting in some long hours at work on a big project with a lot of stress. It's finally taken it's toll, and I got sick, sinus infection. Forced me to stay home today, where I still managed to put a half day's work in. So, I'm a little whiny, and it's times like this when it's hard to be hopeful about anything.

Actually, I got nothin' to complain about. Both my boys are doing fine... it's just ME having a bad day.

Stuff happens

2011-05-04T20:28:00.000-05:00

Ron's posts often hit me right at home. Son2 is really experiencing life... and all the problems and day to day "stuff" that we all have to deal with.

He is not doing well in one of his classes. In the past, when this has happened, he basically ignored the issue until it was too late to drop and then ended up failing. This of course, has damaged his gpa almost beyond repair, but he has avoided getting kicked out, finally got off of probation, and this time, is actually trying to figure out what to do. He told me the other day he has to figure out if he should drop or if he can salvage his grade by studying like crazy. hmmmm... sounds like a plan to me. He actually told me he had to make this decision himself, and act like a human, actually act like a grown up.

The other life lesson, that just happened today, was that he cut his hand in art class today, working on a project, his metals class, I'm guessing. I've been extremely busy at work, long hours, lots of meetings, etc, etc. Anyway, when he called, I was going into a meeting and so couldn't answer, but texted him to ask what was up. He was already on his way to health service. I couldn't really do anything anyway, but we spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, me in several meetings, and him at health service, then HIM calling the insurance company, then to the ER, then to get a stitch and a tetanus shot. He sure seemed to have it all under control, but I asked for a text pic anyway. Just one stitch, but the wound did look pretty deep. So now, he has to spend the next week keeping it dry and not over extending it. Not easy when he has art project work to finish by the end of the semester. I told him to do his best. He told me not to worry, he would do what he had to do.

Good Friday

2011-04-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

Son2 gave me permission to post some of his art work. I don't know if I mentioned, he is an art major in college. A lot of his work has to do with his recovery. Above is a hand made book of his which he was proud to say was recently included in a show. The cover came from a print he made from the early days, it's pretty dark, I don't know if you can see it's a guy without a head. Yeah, much of his early work is dark, those were black days for him. Anyway, the rest of the pages contain print images of "drug" stuff, representing the lost years. It's powerful, and hard for his dad and I to look at, really.

Son2 was here this week again for Group on Friday and a one-on-one appointment with his drug counselor. I was off work for the holiday so I tagged along to check with the Center regarding insurance. I met a few of his group members, and then he invited me to sit in on his one-on-one. I wasn't expecting that, after all that was "his" time and I knew he needed to talk through some stuff. I'm so glad I had that opportunity. I have to say I am so thankful for this counselor, I'll call him "D". 30 years of experience, and the guy surely knows how to get to the meat of it. He doesn't let my son get away with anything. He cuts to the chase, and puts reality right in front of him. The greatest thing is that Son2 is receiving all of that very well. He is open to change, and advice and has a great deal of respect for D. He says he can't BS D, can't fool him, and he likes that. WOW, I think he is growing up... growing... evolving...

Kids... they WILL surprise you

2011-04-17T09:12:00.000-05:00

I had a long phone conversation with Son2 a few days ago, and he said that he and K were working through some things. They sat down and each made a list of what they want, and came to find out that they had so much more in common on their lists than not. They still love each other, and still want to maintain the relationship. So, what is the problem then? Well... it sounds like they are realizing that they jumped into things a bit too quickly a couple years back, and missed that normal relationship building, dating, etc. Uhhhh... when I told my husband, he actually burst out laughing. This would be in the "I tried to tell you" category. We certainly felt that at the time. When they first got together, I felt so uneasy about it. It was a terrible time in his life, confessing his addiction to us, and then starting a relationship with someone at the same time?

So, they are trying to back up, not an easy thing to do, and it will take a lot of work and commitment from both of them. She is going to move out for a month, they will "date", they will keep the apartment, the third roommate will move out for good, and K will move back in after a month. At that time, they plan to each have their own "space" in the apartment. They will each have the opportunity to have their own room, so that is probably a good thing.

They seem to think it is worth all of this, and I have to give them credit for trying. I suggested counseling, and Son2 liked the idea. He is a little skeptical about how things will be when she comes back, but I told him there are never any guarantees, and to take it as it comes.

So... K is NOT out of the picture. Personally, I am glad. I hope things work out.

Heartbroken...

2011-04-11T19:34:00.000-05:00

Well, Son2 took the engagement ring back. Just happened on Saturday, and then he came home to stay with us overnight. He went back Sunday to talk to K... thought they should decide what to do. Their lease is up in a few weeks, so now is the time to make some hard choices.

I had a brief text exchange with him today... he said he was ok, but no decisions had been made yet.

I am so sad... for Son2, and for our family.

Something is going on with K...

2011-04-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

Son2 made his weekly trip home last night for Group. He talked a lot about how frustrated he is with how things are going with K. He is angry, and doesn't think he is being treated very well.

I'm not sure, but I suspect K wants her old life back. She says she is trying to re-establish friendships that she has let flounder during the last couple of years she has been with Son2. She misses her old friends, and wants to spend time with them. Yes, she has started partying again. I'm not sure how much, but she is drinking. So... she's been spending a lot of time with friends, and excluding Son2.

Son2 is a bit of a loner. He needs to have his own friends. Needs to make new friends. He needs to have some kind of a life apart from her. I suspect that's maybe what she is trying to pursue... but Son2 is having a hard time, and he's pretty upset with her. I don't know if they can overcome this.

Yes, I know it is their problem to solve, it's really between them to figure this out. But, I can't help but feel bad. I adore her, I love her like the daughter I never had. She is a wonderful person and has so many endearing qualities. I just don't know what she is thinking, and I am so afraid she wants out. It's personal for me. Of course, there is that underlying fear of how will Son2 react if they break up. You all know what I'm thinking...

Why did she do it? Why did she even start to date him more than two years ago when she knew he was using heroin? Why did she stay with him when he relapsed? Why didn't she dump him when she had so many opportunities in the past? Why now, when he has made so much good progress, does she well..., change? Hmmmmmm.... this girl is a complex cookie.

How I've changed...

2011-04-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

Ron, your post was amazing, made me think a lot.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My body, and my mind are restless. Feels like something is going to happen, with my dad, my grandma, Son2, or something...

I have to tell you about my mother, my role model, in order to explain how Son2's addiction has changed me. Mom married my dad at 19, they started having kids right away. She never worked except for 1 year as an accounting assistant after we were all out of the house. Her job was, and still is, to take care of her family. She always has been a worrier. She has fussed over every drama, big and small, in my dad's family, our family, her kids, and now her grand kids. I think over the years she has seen her role to worry about everyone in the family. She also is the caretaker. She feels responsible for the health of my dad, her mother, and of course herself. My mother was my model for being a wife and mother. I always felt if I could be half the woman she was, I would be successful.

When we found out about Son2's addiction, I didn't want to tell my parents. They had already been through a lot with my niece and nephew. Sometimes that was all Mom could talk about. I did finally tell them after a couple of months. I finally decided in their shoes, I would want to know. Anyway, I tried to be "Mom", I reacted the only way I knew how... but it wasn't enough.

So, how have I changed?

I am not nearly as hard on other parents. I was raised to believe kids are an extension of their parents. I don't know how many times I heard my parents be very critical of the parents when their kids messed up. They are probably doing that right now.

I can't fix this. This has been a slow realization, but I am finally coming to terms with it. Early on, I used to say I'm going to do everything I can, if it doesn't work it's not going to be for "my" lack of trying. It's been hard to let go of the idea that Son2's recovery is my responsibility. Now, I know I can't do it for him, but I can offer him support in his recovery.

Worrying doesn't help. It certainly doesn't help my son, and it just makes me crazy, so why do it? It's very difficult for me, hence the tossing and turning at night... but I'm trying.

Other things like it's not my fault, Addiction is a disease, I'm trying to embrace. Logically these things make sense, but emotionally... I don't know.

I'm a stronger person than I was. Maybe a bit more hardened, maybe a bit frustrated with parents who worry because their 23 year old just got a lip ring, or had a beer.

And sad... of course. Sad that this has happened, that loss of a couple years he'll never get back. A changed person.

Generations...

2011-03-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day! Well, I can't help it if stuff is happening...

Son2: well, you all know from previous posts what's been going on. Hopefully he'll be successful with his new job. He went to the doctor this week, and is continuing to wean off the Suboxone.

Dad: just found out this morning he was having chest pains and he will have to have some sort of heart procedure (a catheterization?). He has a history of heart problems, he had bypass surgery a two years ago. Dr. said not to strain himself until they could get it set up. Mom said she was giving me a heads up because someone will have to drive them around probably when it happens. I imagine that will be pretty soon.

Grandma: She's still hanging in there. Hospice has started coming in daily for about a week now. I saw her last weekend, first time in maybe 6 months. She has declined quite a bit. She falls asleep a lot, in fact can't hardly stay awake to hold much of a conversation. But, she did recognize me, called me by name and was very happy to see me. I'm glad I went and made her smile. I don't know how much longer she will be able to "know" people. She's 97.

My job is going well, although I am very busy with the current project and it is taking every ounce of brain power I have when I am there to focus in and maintain progress.

I try not to worry about all of this... I guess I do worry, but at least I try not to let it take over. What ever happens, I will just have to take it as it comes, as I have done so many times in the past. Because that is what I do, that is what I HAVE to do...

Clueless...

2011-03-26T10:06:00.001-05:00

My best friend is in her mid forties, never had kids, been divorced twice, and has had many failed relationships. I'm going to call her Clueless... and although that is somewhat derogatory, I am very fond of her and we have been good friends for many years. She has always been there for me. She is generous and caring, to a fault...

She is a good gauge for me... It's interesting to see her reaction to things in my life... she always tries to help... which I appreciate, but really... I just need her to listen.

Yesterday, she again recommended that Son2 read this book called "Heroin Diaries" about some ex rocker who did drugs. I do NOT want him to read that, and I don't think he would anyway. I can't read that myself. I can't seem to explain to her why. Once in a while I watch that show "Intervention" and I really have a hard time with that. Too painful... too close to home.

She is the kind of person who loves books. Got a problem, read a book. I love books too, but I'd like to think I'm not so naive to think that reading a self-help book will give me all the answers and solve everything. Clueless has read many diet, self-help, how-to, and meaning-of-life books. Each time, she makes a half-hearted attempt to follow whatever guru's advice for a short time, and then is on to the next thing. She is content to isolate herself with her beloved pets (horse, dog, etc) and books and not deal with real people in the real world.

I can't make her understand what being a parent is, and what it means to me. How hard-hearted I must seem to her when I say things like Son2's relationship with K is not my problem and I can't really do anything about it. How can I explain to her that I can't solve a problem that is not mine to solve, and I can love someone more than anything, but that is not enough to "fix" them.

Having said all of that, I love her dearly. I know I can count on her. She is one of the steady rocks in my life.

Thank you, Clueless.

Son2 got a job!

2011-03-25T19:47:00.000-05:00

Without mohawk, Son2 went to apply for a job at a catering company and was successful!

So... with a crewcut, lip ring removed, long sleeved white shirt, black dress pants and shoes and a shave he will look like a regular guy with a job.

This will be a good thing, a good life lesson for him. Good for him.

Pink Mohawk is gone

2011-03-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

Son2 sent me a picture message today, of himself WITHOUT the pink mohawk. And no pink, either. I was a little surprised he got rid of it so quickly... but I am happy.

I'd like to think something so superficial does not mean anything to me, but I really am glad its gone. I have to rejoice today... because I don't think I should be quite so happy about it when I see him tomorrow.

I'll see how he's taking it before I get too excited. Last time he got rid of it (for a job), he actually cried... but I think that was when he was using.

I had a talk with K

2011-03-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

I read a post from a fellow blogger recently about their addict son's life stress being preferable to drug stress. What a timely post for me!

Son2 and K came for a visit for a couple days and I had a nice talk with K (Son2's finance). Yes, they have been fighting lately... about what, I was very curious, even though it was really none of my business. Well, it's really normal relationship stuff. Of course this is maybe a little more intense given the history of drug abuse in their relationship... but really it's kind of normal stuff. I think Son2's maturity was stifled, delayed if you will during his using days... so.... he is kind of behind in that department.

I think that if they give each other some room, have a lot of patience, and remain committed, they can work through this. Good thing they have enough sense to have a long engagement.

K goes to Al Anon, has a sponsor and is working through the 12-step program. She is also the daughter of an alcoholic. Son2 goes to NA meetings, also works the 12 steps, and continues to go to "after care" group once a week. He has started seeing the drug counselor one on one once a week as well since some of this relationship stuff has come up recently. They know what to do. They are doing it. They have support. It's up to them now. A lot of it is up to Son2.

On a side note, I suspect the mohawk will be gone soon. Son2 is actively looking for a summer job, and the jobs he is looking at will require more of a "clean cut" appearance. I think the lip ring will have to come out too. He will come to this decision on his own... I will not influence. I think I will not miss the stares he gets in public. It always takes me a few seconds to realize they are not admiring his good looks, hey... that guy thinks my kid is a freak. But, on the other hand, I might actually miss it a little... it makes him special and unique and an individual, a rebel, anti establishment. ok, maybe I won't miss it.... but it will be a change though to get used to... we kinda have gotten used to him the way he is, you know?

Thanks to you all for your posts, it means a lot. And in case you're wondering if it makes a difference... it does... to me.

Quick update...it's all about me

2011-03-17T19:00:00.000-05:00

This post is about me... all about me... Seems selfish, but I'm going to try.

I was offered and accepted the position at work, so I will be promoted next month. YAY for me! I already have been moved to a new bigger cubicle which is pretty sweet.

I am disappointed with the recent events here in my state of Wisconsin. Lots of tension around here lately, and the protests get bigger and more elaborate. I did protest at the Capitol a couple of weeks ago along with about 75,000 others.

I decided to go on a diet, change my eating habits, try to self-improve and take better care of myself. This has been going on about 3 weeks or so. Guess what? I feel better!

It is spring, and I love spring. We had some nice warm days this week where, along with Daylight Savings Time, I was able to get outside after work, first to cross country ski one last time, and then to go for a nice walk.

I got my hair cut today... something about that always renews me.

So, I managed to get through this without mentioning one other person (ok, except the other protesters). It's kind of a challenge to completely focus on yourself even if just for a few minutes.

Try it...

I'm back!

2011-02-27T14:04:00.001-06:00

I had such a nice time on vacation, I have to admit I couldn't face the blogging right away. I really just wanted to day dream about the beach and ocean... It was a great time to recharge. One of my favorite memories is standing on the beach at sunset. It was so beautiful, the sky and the ocean were SO BIG, and I felt so small. It was truly amazing.

Several things brought me back to reality, besides the airplane. The weather was so warm, 50's when we got back. There was mud everywhere and the snow was all dirty, it was depressing. It has snowed since, and we are back to normal winter weather. I am very busy at work now, in fact I am applying for a new position, which means I have to promote myself, something I'm not good at. And then there is the budget repair bill causing a lot of turmoil here in Wisconsin. The protests are big and practically in our back yard, about 20 minutes away, something else that makes me feel small.

Son2 hit the 18 month mark and proudly showed me his 18 month coin. He keeps it in his wallet along with another milestone coin. He also announced he has become a sponsor. His sponsee is a couple years older than he is, and so far has been calling to touch base daily. It's only been a week or so, and his sponsee is just beginning his recovery road, but Son2 seems positive. He is a part of a sponsor family, his sponsor's name is Angel (no, I am not kidding). He has sponsee brothers (other guys who Angel sponsors), and now he has a sponsee himself. Sounds like they get together about once a week to do step work.

There is still something going on with Son2 and K. She confided that they fight a lot, but she won't say about what. I think she is under a lot of stress with school, but otherwise, I don't know what the heck is going on. I know it is up to them to figure out. She goes to Al Anon, and has a sponsor. So, I know they both have support. They know we are here too, to talk if need be. So, I guess they will either work it out....or not.

Uneasy feeling

2011-02-09T20:34:00.001-06:00

Well, I feel stupid now after that I feel lucky post. Son2 had a fight with K at 5am yesterday. Guess he had been up all night working on a school project, and then ended up having the fight. He won't say what it was about or what's going on to me or to his dad. He sounded funny on the phone last night. Didn't give me any details today either via text, and didn't answer when I tried to call. He did say he thinks things are alright. K hasn't answered my text either asking how she was doing. Something is going on and I don't know what. I think they don't want to say because we are leaving for our trip tomorrow night.

As you all know, this is the kind of thing that could trigger a relapse, I'm not going to kid myself about that. I even went online and did a little snooping at his bank account to see if it looked like his spending had changed (don't think so).

I know I should stay out of it...I tried to do that today, I really did. He can handle this, whatever it is, but will he? I just want him to tell me everything is ok, he stayed sober, they are still engaged, and they got through it. I wish I could talk to him face to face, but I don't think that will be possible until we get back from our trip.

So, I feel like I'm on alert. I know I should relax, let go and hop on the plane. It's his problem to solve. I know that's what I need to do, but I will probably try to talk to him again tomorrow and see if I can get any reassurances... isn't that a rather selfish thing? I really don't want to worry about this on our trip.

Hope I'm getting all worked up for nothing...

I think we are lucky

2011-02-07T09:34:00.000-06:00

Son2 will be clean and sober for 18 months in a few days, but who's counting.

I can't help but feel lucky, and I'm not sure I am, or that I should be. We are lucky to have health insurance, we are fortunate to have good jobs, we are fortunate that we didn't have to pay for inpatient care (Son2's has all been outpatient). We are lucky that the black days of heroin were only a matter of months, not years. I mean is this even normal? It almost feels like we are in for a train wreck. I feel uneasy, I really do. We are all stable for now, but you know, he can't stay in college forever.

Spring is coming, so naturally we start thinking of growth, change, etc. He mentioned he might have normal hair by the summer (right now he has a pink mohawk). We've also been talking about looking for a summer job. He is 5 months into his Suboxone wean. Things are changing. I think he is growing up...

We had an interesting funny little conversation a few days ago. He told me that his Suboxone has a side effect of insomnia, something he has been struggling with for the past 2 years. I said I know, I read the literature. I told him I had given him all the information 2 years ago, but I guessed he wasn't in the right frame of mind to look at it. He nodded knowingly.

My husband and I will be leaving on our trip in a few days. Son2 has made us promise to let him know when we get there, check in regularly, etc. Kinda funny to have the shoe on the other foot, but it feels very good to have some one worry about us for a change.

What we don't want to see

2011-01-26T20:27:00.000-06:00

This past fall (before I started my blog) my husband and I did an anonymous tv interview as parents of an addict. The gist of it was prescription drug use escalating to hard drugs, i.e. heroin. So, we told our story, 3 minutes of it was broadcast and it was also posted on the station's website. I was horrified by one of the comments on the website in response. A woman had posted something to the effect of how she couldn't believe how stupid could parents be not to notice their kid was on drugs. It felt like a cold slap in the face and it bothered me a lot for days, so much I couldn't concentrate at work. A couple days later I ventured on the site again and was surprised to find that a number of people had come to our defense online.

I thought of that this week with the recent perceived attacks involving blogs I follow. There are all kinds of content on these blogs, some we don't want to see, some make sense, some don't, some are good and some not so much. It's overwhelming at first, that's for sure. Yeah, some of it bothers me, a lot. But, the thing is, it all gives me a lot to think about, and I appreciate all the different points of view, and the very different approaches and styles.

I hate to see anyone get offended, and I am surely one to avoid confrontation. But I really hope this is a free exchange, free to speak, and free to ignore. Take what you need, leave the rest...

A little drama this week

2011-01-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

Son2 and K just realized this week that classes begin for second semester on Monday, a week earlier than they thought, so there was a little bit of scrambling around for them. I just kind of chuckled, glad they had figured it out in time, and glad I turned that responsibility over to him. It's a relief to know I don't have to keep track of when school starts, whether he signed up for classes in time, if he bought his books, and all the other details. Hey, I already did all of that 30-some years ago for myself.

Son2 got a call this week saying he would be dropped from a few of his classes because he didn't have the necessary GPA. He and K were pretty upset. I was sympathetic, but didn't step in to handle it, didn't offer to make any calls or anything. Well, he did handle it, and I'm glad that he did. He talked to advisors, counselors, and I don't know who all, and decided to apply to the SAC (Student Accessibility Center) to be categorized as disabled so he could get a little consideration. He is looking for a little help with his GPA requirements, and also maybe some extended deadlines in course work.

I'm not sure I agree with this approach. It feels like another excuse, a crutch. But I keep thinking about the posts of all of you parent bloggers. He has a disease. I mean, if he can get a doctor to fill out the paperwork saying he is disabled, I should be able to accept the fact that he is. I know he is, but it's still hard for me to process... I'm working on it.

So, he managed to avoid getting booted out of any classes for now, and the paperwork is in the works. As I said, school starts Monday...

Our other little drama involved Son1, go figure... He texted Friday to ask if we would be home (a bit unusual), and said he wanted to stop over and maybe stay over night (extremely unusual). Turns out he had a big fight with his wife and needed some time away. We didn't get many details, but he assured me everything was fine. So, he stayed over, we had a nice visit, and then went to meet his wife for breakfast. He texted he thinks they got things straightened out. WHATEVER! He's a grown up now, but they got married very young which is coming back to bite them now. That's speculation on my part, since I don't know anything. Anyway, they will figure it out... I guess.

Planning a trip

2011-01-15T08:28:00.000-06:00

We got more snow last night. Made for some messy driving, but I woke up to the sound of the snow plow this morning and looked outside to fairly clear skies.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Florida for next month. It will be our 25th anniversary trip. It feels like a big milestone to me as a wife and also a parent. We've had our share of rough times, but also a wealth of happiness. Sometimes its hard to see the good in a situation, and tough to handle the challenges. Someone told me once (at work) when I was fussing and worrying over a project, to take one thing at a time, and really think through it. What's the worst that could happen? What would you do about it, really (besides worry)? So, at work anyway, that helped to overcome a lot of apprehension. At home, though, you can't always plan for everything. But having lived through some of the bad times, gives me more confidence going forward. I can get through this. And I still try to plan for everything.

Which leads me to my next point. I could never have gone on a trip like this two years ago and leave Son2. I think he will be ok though, and if he's not, then we'll (he will) have to deal with it. So, I will go on our trip, celebrate our married life together and give myself a break.

Hoping for a lot of sunshine...

First post of the new year...

2011-01-09T11:28:00.000-06:00

well, here goes...

I was in a text conversation yesterday with Son2, and he said he was feeling down because a friend was having a hard time and couldn't stay clean. This is just one of many little curves he will have to figure out how to deal with without heroin. Every time something, anything, comes along to challenge him, I worry if it will be the thing that triggers a relapse. I know it's up to him and it's out of my control, and I hope he has the strength, the support and the tools to deal with whatever life throws at him. But it's very difficult for me. I can't just sit back and do nothing, I can't help feeling like I should do something, and what?

I managed to get to the point where I could turn Son1's own life over to him. I'm hoping I can get there some day for Son2, although it seems so much more difficult because of his addiction. What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother do I want to be? What is my role to my kids now that they are adults?

Son2 has started weaning off his medication (Suboxone). It will take another year probably to taper down to nothing. That is something else I worry about. He made the decision alone with his doctor, without even talking to us first, which I think is good.

So, that is what 2011 looks like for me. I want to learn this year, how to deal with all of this. "Let go...", "Detach with love", the Serenity Prayer, Acceptance... etc, etc, etc. How can I live all of these things and still provide parental support? Still be "Mom"? That's what I hope to figure out.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T13:45:00.000-06:00

May the new year bring us all wisdom, strength and above all, hope.

Post holiday mood

2010-12-28T10:24:00.000-06:00

Dad and Mom posted about the good and bad of the holiday. Well, that's where I'm at I guess. It's not all good, it never is.

So, the good was really pretty great. I had a wonderful Christmas with family that lasted 3 days. Actually it's not quite over because my sister, Sis, is coming today. Had a very nice dinner here Sunday with Son1 and his wife, T, and Son2 and K. It was so fun, and the gifts were so thoughtful. A lot of laughter and wonderful moments were had by all. My kids all together, it was priceless.

The bad is that my grandma went into the hospital Christmas Eve with pneumonia, so she was not able to be with us at my Mom's for Christmas dinner. Congestive heart failure, eye infection, diabetes, and I don't know what else. They will send her back to the nursing home probably Thursday, but of course, the pneumonia may be under control, but the rest... well, you know... I know I am so lucky to still have a grandparent at my age (51). I mean, how many people my age still have grandparents? But, I am so used to having her, I guess it kinda seemed she would live forever. My mom is such a good daughter, she managed to to deal with that and host Christmas as well. I don't deal with it so well.

So for today, everyone is ok. I'm ok. I look forward to seeing Sis. We will talk and talk and talk. Talking is good.

Happy Holidays

2010-12-23T16:37:00.000-06:00

Before I get too busy with the holidays I wanted to thank you all. To all the bloggers I follow, you all have given me so much to think about. You've all been through so much, I am just beginning to understand. I can't begin to give any advice, I have no answers, and I can't tell you how to feel. I can just say I hope you find Peace during this holiday season.

I will be seeing my sons soon.... another Christmas full of memories, kids, parents, siblings, grandma, nieces and nephews, most of them I look forward to seeing (you can choose your friends, but not your family... ha-ha).

By the way, Son2 did pass all his classes, just barely on the one. I'm relieved, I think that gets him off academic probation. Why was this my worry? Well, it shouldn't have been, but mom-mode kicked in a little. At least it didn't keep me up at night this time.

Holiday prep

2010-12-21T08:31:00.000-06:00

I read DadandMom's holiday shopping post with a wry smile. The days leading up to Christmas can be so stressful for me. There are so many obligations, chores, shopping, etc, etc. And then the scheduling. As our kids have lives of their own, finding a time when we can all be together is a real challenge. I always take some time off work so I can tackle these things by myself head on. Today is one of those days.

So, as I try to get through my list of errands and chores today, I am mindful of what makes this all worth while. I get to celebrate Christmas with the people who are most important to me.

On a sad and ironic note, I will hopefully see my 97-year old grandma on Christmas Day who is in declining health. She has been on a morphine pump for the last few years for pain. She falls asleep a lot, morphine and age I think. She is an addict of course, but who would deny her her last days pain free? I can only imagine how that screws with Son2's head.

Thank you all for sharing. I appreciate your insight and advice. I hope you all have a happy holiday season.

Serenity...

20/20 episode

2010-12-12T20:46:00.000-06:00

I finally got around to watching this 20/20 episode. WOW, this was very powerful. This hit me so close to home, it was hard to watch.

http://abc.go.com/watch/2020/SH559026/VD5594303/teens-hooked-on-heroin

Son2 turns 21 today

2010-12-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

Today is Son2's 21st birthday. I am so very happy to see this day. He and K came to spend a couple of days so we were able to spend some time with them.

I always feel let down when he leaves, and a little apprehensive. I know I hover around them when they are here, I can't help it. I try to savor every minute, and I want to make sure I'm available to talk if either one of them feels the need. Am I ever going to back off of that, and relax when they are here? I don't know, maybe not.

K told me he's not doing very well in one of his classes. I'm very disappointed to hear that and a little angry. When is he going to buck up and stop using his addiction as an excuse for slacking off? Anyway, I was afraid I would say something I would regret and didn't want to ruin his birthday, so I decided to wait to talk to him about that. Am I ever going to stop walking tippy toe around him, afraid to "upset" him? I don't know about that either.

I read some advice in one of the blogs I follow, to grieve the child you used to hope for. It's sad, and I don't know if I can give up all of that. I'm still hoping he will finish college, get a job, get married, have kids, and be happy. Maybe I shouldn't look that far ahead.

It's kind of a blue day...

The current state of things...

2010-12-04T10:03:00.000-06:00

Son1 and Son2 are off on a road trip together. This is a good thing, I think. They need to spend some time together. I don't know if they've ever really talked about what happened and why, I think there's some resentment on both sides. I try to stay out of it, it's between them. But, I do tell them, "you only have one brother".

Son1. He married young, managed to finish a tech degree and get a good job. He's smart, responsible, funny, easy going, and charming. He always looked out for his younger brother. He even got beat up a little defending him once from a bully. He is what we used to call clean cut, short hair cut, no tattos, no piercings. He doesn't smoke, but drinks beer.

Son2. He's going to college and he is engaged. He's very bright, always challenging and questioning. Also charming, but he has a sharp edge to him. He struggles with school, but he is capable of doing better. He pushed boundaries in high school, pretty normal stuff... until he made that one bad decision, that step to heroin. He's been clean since August 2009. He's begun to wean himself off of his medication. He smokes, but doesn't drink anymore. He's into punk rock. He has a lip ring, tattoos and dyes his hair. Right now he has a mohawk haircut. He is his own man.

So, that's about them. What about me? I have been so focused on my kids, for 25 years. It's very difficult to focus on myself. I admit, it's hard for me to let go of them. Son1 has become very independent, he doesn't need me. I know that's a good thing, but I feel sad too. We've been through a lot with Son2. I want him to be independent too, he needs to fight this addiction himself. Sometimes I don't know what my role is. I want to help him, support him, be there for him always. So, while he fights his addiction every day, I try to figure out how to be his parent every day. Soon he will be 21.

It's hard looking at myself. I don't like some of the things I see. Reading the blogs helps more than I ever expected. Thank you bloggers, for that.

Relapse...

2010-11-29T09:24:00.000-06:00

The first semester Son2 was clean was a little rocky. Everyone was new to the game, and we didn't always make good decisions. Son2 refused to go to NA or any support group other than his post rehab group. He thought he could do it alone, thought he could "handle it". He ended up flunking another class or two, but refused to drop out of college. His relationship with K was rocky too, and he was upset about that most of the time. He put that, school, and everything else before his Recovery. He made it through six months sober and celebrated that with a little get together at our house. H and I made some bad judgement calls too. At least one of his old buddies that he used with came to the party, MG. He was supposedly clean too, but the story I heard was that it was forced, he was under age and his parents spent thousands of dollars on private treatment that he didn't want to go to.

So, Son2 came home for the summer, started working and continued to try to make everything work. Things started to unravel. This is the hard part, I can't believe how stupid I was after everything that had already happened, to miss the signals. When I think back, they were like a red lights flashing at me. I can't hardly admit this, I think I didn't want to see.

Cash started disappearing again, but not in a real obvious way. Son2's mood started to change, he was very angry. There were fights with K, often. He talked about MG. MG started using again, Son2 was trying to counsel him. He got sick, and had to miss work. His boss made him get a doctor's note. He was kinda sick a lot. I knew he wasn't taking his meds. MG started coming around, but only to the driveway, he wouldn't come in the house. The final straw was when K found a bag of needles in Son2's car. She called me in tears. Son2 tried to convince us that it was MG's, but K was not buying the story. I wanted to believe him so bad but K would not. After a big confrontation via text messages, he finally admitted he was using. Deep down in my heart, I knew. DENIAL is very powerful and convincing. I remember sitting on the deck that summer with Son2 talking and he could barely stay awake. I knew he was high, but I wouldn't admit it to myself. After the confrontation, I asked him "do you want to get clean, or not?" I don't know what I would have done if he said no, but he said yes, so I said "ok, we start over," and we did. The lies, the betrayal, the stealing. I didn't know how I would ever rebuild that trust with him. I can't describe the feeling of betrayal by someone I love so much. I know many of you readers understand what that's like. I also know you've all been through many cycles of relapse and recovery. That makes me sad and very wary.

Son2 made a big decision that summer, to put his Recovery first in his life. He started back on his meds, started going to meetings, a lot of them. He started to be really engaged in the sessions. He took ownership of his Recovery and his life. He's been clean for over a year and seems to be doing well.

But it's never really over, is it?

Thanksgiving is over...

2010-11-27T17:20:00.000-06:00

Everyone went home today, kind of a let down. It was a weird holiday for me. I couldn't stop thinking about our Thanksgiving two years ago. Between that and starting this blog, I am realizing that maybe I'm not as ok as I thought. I thought blogging would give me a chance to give back, maybe be helpful to some other parents. But, I am finding that I am the one that needs advice and to work on my own recovery. One of the things I figured out early on is that it is important to educate myself. I even gave that advice to Son1 in the months following Son2's admission. I started to do that two years ago, but since everything has been going well, I think I don't need to. Well, even though things are ok right this minute, I'm thinking that I really don't want to get blindsided again, so maybe I shouldn't ignore this thing. Yeah, this thing is Addiction, and it is in our lives.

Last winter when my husband was out of town for two weeks, I spent the weekend with Son2 and K at their apartment in the city where they attend college. I went to an Al Anon meeting with K. I'm so glad she started going, she has found something that really helps her. It has been so much more worth while for her than it ever was for me. I also went to an NA meeting with Son2. It was an unforgettable experience. I sat and I listened for two hours. I was the only guest, and they asked me if I wanted to speak...

"Hi, my name is L-------. My son is an addict."

It was a good Thanksgiving...

2010-11-26T10:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I cooked, and cooked and cooked. It was a lot of work, a bit of stress, and well worth it, every single minute. Both my sons were around, my sister, Sis, my nephew, M, my niece, S, my parents. I was so happy to have everyone in my house, all together. These are the memories I will always cherish. We marked this day in our hearts, I gave Son2 lots of hugs and we exchanged many meaningful looks (yes, corny, but true). He even thanked Sis in his own round about way for forcing his confession two years ago. He told her he talks about her a lot in Recovery. I told everyone how much I appreciated their presence and we ate lots and lots of good food.

Thank you all for reading and for all the advice. I appreciate it all...

Why didn't anyone tell us?

2010-11-21T09:36:00.000-06:00

There are two parts to this post, and it's about telling.

First of all, one of the things that bothered me a lot after Son2 confessed to us two years ago, was why didn't anyone say anything to us? Why were we left in blissful ignorance for so long? I think his drug use was going on for about a year and a half, and several people were aware or had suspicions. A lot of his friends knew, kids we had never met or didn't know well, but also long time friends of his that we'd known for years. I suspect that his old friends didn't know how bad it was, or were just plain gutless. His brother, Son1, heard some things around town and confronted Son2 about them. Son2 basically blew up and told him to bud out. I don't know what he heard, but maybe he didn't realize how serious it was, or was just plain angry, but he never came to us. The one that really bothers me is his cousin M, who lives about 4 hours away. I believe that M knew for quite a long time, probably over a year, and never said a word, and maybe was even participating. M has a few problems of his own and hasn't always made good choices. I don't know if he was really a bad influence, but he sure wasn't a good one. I have to give him a little credit though, because he finally did say something to his sister, S, who immediately went to her mother, my sister, Sis. Apparently M was trying to be loyal to Son2, his cousin. But why do kids put so much emphasis on loyalty, even over health and welfare? I was pretty angry when I found out about that. Sis, confronted Son2 and she was pretty harsh with him. "Tell your parents, or I will," so that's when he decided the gig was up. Ironically, one of his friends also came forward about the same time and told his mother about Son2. So, we were going to find out one way or another... finally.

Secondly, it's been very difficult for us to tell anybody about our son's drug use. There are still a lot of people that don't know. Telling Son1 and his wife a couple days after we found out was one of my worst experiences. I didn't even tell my parents for several months, and they still don't know the details, including which drug he was abusing. I only told a couple close friends, Sis, and one brother, but not the other. Why? Simple... SHAME. I still have trouble talking about it. It is very painful to go back and think about it and what happened. I would prefer to ignore it all, and pretend it never happened and everything is fine. So, a few weeks ago, we were asked to do a TV interview about opiate addiction. I really wanted to pass, but I knew I couldn't just pretend it never happened, I thought it might help other parents, and they promised to protect our identity. So, we did the interview. It was very hard to talk about everything, but I'm glad we did it. It stirred up a lot of emotion again, and anyway... that's what led me to start this blog. I was brought up in a very strict, church-going family. Some of my relatives are pretty hard-core christian, and very judgmental. I just don't want them to know of my failure as a parent. So, I stay away from that, and continue to pretend everything is fine. H, my husband, is of a similar frame of mind. Not many from his family know either. I guess we're just chicken. Everyone doesn't have to know, do they?

Today...

2010-11-20T09:20:00.000-06:00

Today I am planning for Thanksgiving, grocery shopping, cleaning the house. I have been thinking a lot about what Thanksgiving means to us. Two years ago on Thanksgiving, Son2 came to us with his heroin addiction. So much has happened since then.

Today he is clean for 15 months.
Today he is engaged to a wonderful girl who we all adore
Today he is a college student who is passing all his classes
Today he is a happy and nice person
Today he tells me he loves me often
Today he attends group recovery sessions once a week
Today he attends NA meetings 3 times a week where he speaks freely and helps others
Today he is working on the 12 Steps with his NA sponsor
Today we can all look ahead with hope
Today we are thankful for his strength and all the people he surrounds himself with that are so supportive

I know that addiction is a life long illness, and I know that there are no guarantees. But today I am hopeful and life is good.

How did this happen?

2010-11-17T20:07:00.002-06:00

I'm still not sure why Son2 decided to try heroin or exactly when. I've found out a lot of painful things when he admitted them to us, and this is my best guess as to what happened.

The summer before his senior year in high school I think Son2 was in a bit of a slump, down in the dumps. A girl he really cared about had dumped him, and it hit him pretty hard, he started hanging out with different people and getting into a little trouble here and there. He was never a straight-A student, but his grades did slide a bit. We caught him lying about where he was. When school started, he dyed his hair. We thought he was just spreading his wings, trying to be his own man or something. I believe some time that summer or during that school year, he started experimenting with drugs. My guess is he had already been drinking. We did catch him with beer sometime during that school year. The drugs started with prescription drugs from our house. He had his wisdom teeth pulled that summer, and got a real kick out of the sedative. He didn't need the painkillers at the time, so I never even noticed that they were gone at some point. Later in the school year I broke my foot, and was prescribed a narcotic painkiller. I used some, but there quite a few left. It was months and months before I realized they were missing from the bed stand, didn't really think about it until after he confessed his heroin addiction. Apparently he found some "friends" at school that were doing the same and they traded pills. I believe they swallowed or crushed and snorted them.

At some point, he decided to try heroin, I'm not sure when, but it was before he went off to college. Not sure how much, but he was using the summer before college. It is amazing, but somehow he managed to beat the drug test and get hired at a convenience store. He also went on vacation with us to a relatives wedding out of state. Yes, it's true, all of this happened and we did not know he was on drugs. I think it got worse, once he left home and went off to college. He went down hill pretty quickly, was shooting heroin by then, several times a day. I think he had a couple of near overdoses. I'd like to think I would have noticed something if he would have been living at home. I think he tried other drugs, but his drug of choice was heroin. I think he also sold X or something to try to make some money. He was going through cash furiously, and he had to know we were gonna notice eventually. We found all this out later. As I said, we didn't have a clue at the time.

It's so hard for me to look back at that time period now. I see myself then in blissful ignorance and remember all the things a kids does his senior year with some resentment. I think back on many things that happened, things a parent should cherish, like school activities, banquets, sporting events, band concerts, graduation, and think oh, he was probably high, or I wonder where he really went when we thought he was at a school function, or god knows what.

Beginning treatment for heroin addiction

2010-11-16T19:42:00.000-06:00

Son2 began treatment for his heroin addiction two years ago, in December. He was prescribed Suboxone, and immediately quit using. We were told to use was dangerous, and to drink alcohol was also dangerous while on this medication. He began outpatient treatment over his Christmas vacation which was for four weeks. He went to half day sessions four days a week at the center. Because of his age (he was just turning 19) he was treated as an adult and was attending group therapy with other adults. As an adult, his medical records and medical information were private and we were not allowed to know anything without his consent. So, he was put in charge of his own recovery immediately, and I helped support that as much as I could. It was hard for me to let go of the idea of him being a child and dependent on us for everything. So, of course, as I always tended to do, I did a lot of tasks for him, made appointments and phone calls, ran errands, picked up prescriptions, etc. Eventually I did let go of a lot of that, but it seemed necessary at the time, for both of us. Another thing we did was attend the group sessions that were open to family. This accomplished two very important things. First, it showed Son2 that we loved him enough to be involved with his treatment, and Second, it was a real eye-opener for us. It was hard to hear and learn the harsh truth, not only about some of the things he had done, but also what it was going to take to overcome the addiction. These were things we had to know.

During this time, Son2 seemed willing to attend treatment, but still seemed to be holding back. He went to all the sessions, did his homework, and seemed to start feeling better physically. I think he wanted to beat the addiction, but didn't really realize what that meant. He was going through the motions, but not putting his whole self into it. For example, it was recommended to begin attending NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings. He didn't go, didn't want to, didn't think it would help. I think he felt some fear and shame. I'm guessing that's true because I felt that way myself. At one point, when asked about his priorities, he put his relationship with his girlfriend and college before his recovery. That's where his head was at. He seemed to be making progress, and since we didn't realize ourselves the impact of what was going on, we thought everything was going to be ok, and it was for a while. So off he went back to college after the four weeks, and started coming home once a week for after-care group sessions.

After he went back to school, we continued to touch base with him daily. He didn't seem to mind, and in fact I think he was grateful for our support.

I thought we were good parents

2010-11-15T09:14:00.000-06:00

For the first several weeks, the most powerful emotion I felt was guilt. I thought we were good parents, how could I have missed the fact that our son was a heroin addict? And how on earth could I have raised him to become an addict? I had always been of the mindset that it's all about how kids are brought up, and however a person turns out has something to do with their parents. This felt like a slap in the face and a kick in the stomach at the same time. What did we do wrong? Why did he do it?

Well, I still struggle with that and I think I always will. But, I really hope that I learned some things that could maybe help other parents, and maybe just maybe... help me to understand too.

I think he made a couple of bad decisions early on, he has to take responsibility for trying it in the first place. But after that, it soon was out of his control. Once the addiction took hold, he became a victim to the disease. Yes, a disease. The fact that addiction is a disease was not an easy concept to accept. Once we accepted that, we could deal with it differently and recognize that the disease was causing our pain, not our son.

Son2 was very good at hiding things from us. He was an excellent liar. He played on our emotions, our sense of humor, our weaknesses, our distractions. He manipulated us and it worked. Neither one of us had a clue about the drug use until he told us.

Something that really helped me during this time was a support group. I didn't want to go, I didn't think it would help. But it helped me to realize that we were not alone, and it really helped me to think about things.

Waiting is the worst part...

2010-11-14T17:20:00.000-06:00

After Son2 came to us and asked for help, it was a week before we could get him in to be evaluated, and yet another week before we could get him in to see the addiction doctor and prescribed medication. During those two weeks, he was trying to finish the semester at college. I foolishly expected him to just "not use" during that time, but I know now, that was impossible. He was in such a bad place, did not look well, was scared and feeling very low. I was so afraid something was going to happen... something like overdose, getting arrested, even suicide. It was a very bad time for all of us. I could not convince him to quit school and just stay home where we could be with him. My husband even tried to arrange some counseling on campus, we made countless trips back and forth to the city where he was attending school. There were so many phone calls, appointments, interviews, etc.

One bright light during this dark time, was Son2's new girlfriend, K. Why they started dating at this particular time is something I'll never understand, but she was a valuable touchstone for us on campus during this time. We were talking and texting with them both several times a day. I don't know how, but somehow we all made it through to the day he started his medication and gave up heroin (the first time).

What to do, what to do...

2010-11-13T17:09:00.000-06:00

First of all, we had to decide what to do... we really had no idea. I called our family doctor first thing the next morning. I can still remember how I felt when I said our son just told us he was on heroin, what do we do. He calmly said the most important thing is that he stop using. Well, it sounds obvious now, but at the time, it sounded brilliant. The doctor told us to call a treatment place that was connected with our insurance company and clinic. So, of course I tried to call immediately, wouldn't you know, they were closed for the holiday weekend. Well, at least it was a start...

That weekend was so hard. Son2 insisted on going back to school, I was so afraid for him. Of course, our biggest fear was overdose. I tried to convince him to stay home, but he wouldn't. I tried to get a promise from him to stay clean until we could get him in rehab or something, but he was sort of non-committing. That was the beginning of my education on just what this disease is all about. So, we drove him back to school, right after we met Son1 and his wife for lunch where Son2 told them what was going on. Many tears later, we dropped Son2 off at his dorm where we met his new girlfriend. Information overload. I don't think I slept for a week.

We got him in for an evaluation that following week.

How it all started...

2010-11-13T12:36:00.000-06:00

Two years ago, on Thanksgiving, when my son was home from college his freshman year, he told us he was addicted to heroin and needed help. My husband and I were so shocked, that was the last thing I would have ever guessed he would be into. I was feeling so many emotions, I was completely overwhelmed. We were scared to death, but the first thing was to stuff our emotions and decide what to do. I want to tell my story... I wrestled with the decision to create a blog, but I'm hoping it will do some good... I need to share this. Please stay tuned as I sort out my thoughts and begin...